HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Hi, I've been in a rocky relationship for over a year now with a man who is 21 years older than I. I don't think age has alot to do with my conflicts but I am beginning to wonder if he is going thru a mid-life crisis or something... We met about a year ago and we feel madly inlove... I was and will always be ready and wanting a relationship but I gave everything just to build or try to build a perfect relationship "family". I was a runway model for an elite agency I was extremely independent and happy but It all went for the worse when I quit working and we moved in together. My intentions were to take some time and off and travel and be happy with the 48 year old man. He was in a relationship for 24 years he and his ex-partner and I became friends and my relationship with him was respected. But it all happened when his ex found someone new. He started to tell me he needed time to be alone and single but would call me every secound to say he missed me. He also drank alot, it is as serious as hiding bottles of vodka in the closet and getting stone drunk to where all he does is sleep. I walked in on him a few times looking at crazy sex driven websites. He also started to include his fantasies about me & his friends, my friends just talking crazy about really bizzar sexual fantasies. My weekeneds changed in over a month now from getting out and going to brunch and doing productive activities, to me having to take care of him and making shure he is not falling down the stairs drunk or something... I also worry that if I do leave him he will act on his sexual fantasy. I think he has a bad alcohol problem and an obsessive personality with prostitutes and threesomes. Everyweekend has turned for the worse, but it always amazes me when it comes to the week and his work he is back to the person I feel in love with. its just when he is not working he is a complete disaster. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm pretty smart to know that he is not going to change for anybody not me not his ex, not even for himself. I'm just not one to walk away from something that I keep trying to fix but sometimes I feel as if he doesn't even want me here anymore. As if I am holding him back from his playboy fantasy lifestyle. It was his birthday yesterday, I planned on a nice fun day but he drank all day obsessing about me giving him a 3 way and I found a empty bottle of vodka under our bed. I'm a strong person but dumb to put up with all of this.. I just don't know what to do? why doesn't he tell me that he doesn't love me anymore? He is so stubborn when he is sober he doesn't admit to anything he is doing as wrong or shameful.. I just don't know- I feel lost, trapped- but I love the man Link to comment
EQD Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 you love what this man COULD be. but the reality is, this is who he is. he is a drunk who is crushed over the break of his 24 year relationship who has and wants to act on 3 way fantasies. be smart. Link to comment
avman Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 This man simply isn't healthy right now. He is not capable of a "normal" relationship like you would want him to be. You aren't his caretaker so don't worry yourself that if you leave him he'll make stupid decisions. He is a big boy and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Until he's ready to get help for himself there is little you can do. Put your own health first and leave this destructive relationship. Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks, you are right. I'm beginning to realize that this is just who he is right now. "You can't teach a stubborn old dog new tricks." I'm realizing that Im in this situation because I want to be. But I worry... I've left him alone a couple of times and found him dirty drunk passed out on the floor. And we are talking about a CFO of a major company. I just have to figure out a way out of this. I don't have faith in him changing for the better. It will never happen- his ex who treats him alot better than I do and is a non- alcoholic told me. It just frustrates me that some older men in their 40's who are suppose to have life experience and a solid foundation would want to settle with a rarity of someone like me who is ready. we will have to see what happends. Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom on their own before they get the strength together to clean themselves up. Don't be putting your career and your life on hold. You should be building your career and not putting yourself in a position of dependence. It is not your job to "fix" him. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 You sound like you are just a naturally nurturing woman. Its so easy to get swept up and give everything of yourself to help somebody in need. But, in this case it seems like you could be enabeling him which just isn't doing either of you any good. Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I feel like I do add pressure for him to be something he isn't but It gets to a point where it is borderline. He lost his mother a year ago and his ex was so good to him she would cook, clean, supportive or his career and the Martha Stewart of what I am not. She compromised alot for him- she at 44 even let him sleep around. The had what was called an "open relationship". I'm very stubborn as well, this is not who I am. But I am truly waiting to hit rock bottom to where I realize I can't take anymore, but things just keep getting worse and worse Link to comment
avman Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Don't let this turn into a co-dependant relationship. You don't want to be his mother. You want a partner and an equal. He's not able to do that and it doesn't matter that he's a CFO. He's an addict and to the addict their self medication always takes priority. Leave him the number of the local AA group and tell him to call you after he's been sober for a year. Extricate yourself from this situation before it takes you down with him. Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thank you, I thought about moving back to Brazil with my mother. But knowing me, I will stick around till I know I tried my best and I can't take anymore.. Its a shame because I wish it was now. It's like I have an additiction of trying to help people that I can't help. Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I agree that you should leave him - his problems are his to deal with and you should not sacrifice your well-being. Link to comment
avman Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 It's like I have an additiction of trying to help people that I can't help. That's the very definition of codependent. You might want to read this article. I think it will be an eye opener for you. link removed Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thank you for the link, I identified my problem with this relationship I realize that we both have co-dependent and control issues. We are not good together and my life won't change until I make the decision to leave. I'm still young but I just feel so trapped. I might need to see someone about my issues. Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think seeing someone would be very beneficial for you... just being able to speak with someone objective about issues is helpful. I seems that intellectually you know what is right... it's just motivating yourself to *do* what's right is lagging. You have an opportunity to avoid negative motivating factors (e.g. hitting rock bottom) and, instead, taking advantage of your insight into the situation to do what is right for you without needless suffering. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 It just frustrates me that some older men in their 40's who are suppose to have life experience and a solid foundation would want to settle with a rarity of someone like me who is ready. we will have to see what happends.Some people heal and learn from their life experience, while others never recover. Like the others said, you can't be his support until he can support himself. With regards to your own issues here, part of co-dependency is that helping someone that no one else can help gives your life value or meaning. It gives you a sense of purpose, but you become a martyr to the "cause". Except your partner isn't in any place to appreciate what you do. This may be a case where he won't see what he has until he's lost it. But in any case, I agree with the previous assessments that you need some time apart from him. *IF* he eventually deals with his baggage, then allow him to talk to you and take it from there. Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I just lost so much of myself and my independence in this relationship. I had so much going on before we met and now not having to work for a year, giving so much to this person. I'm scared and don't have any other foundation than my relationship with him. I've been in the worst case senario in my life due to my addiction of being dependent on someone else. I love him and I admire his ability to take care of me, his ex and anyone he loves in his life. I just invested so much into his crazy life that I can barely believe that I can separate myself from this life and take care of myself. Its that bad Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 whats scares me the most is this freakin economy! Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 If you spent that energy on *you* and *your* independence, then you would get the strength to act in your own best interest. Caring for yourself does not need to come at the expense of caring for someone else... in fact, it can be mutually beneficially. Link to comment
RogerRoger Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm sorry, but I have to ask. What is a 27 year old former model doing with a 48 year old man, especially one with so many major problems? From what you've said about him, he sounds like a smooth talker with a lot of money. Is that really what will make you happy? There are guys out there who will treat you like gold, even if they can't buy you much gold. They may not have great charm or honey dipped words, but then again you won't have to worry about them having a three way with strange women the moment you turn your back. You can get out of this ridiculous situation, and do far better for yourself. Link to comment
HoneybflyMm Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 It took a huge argument to make him realize that I wasn't happy with the direction he was taking our relationship. I'm a fool for being with him, but I'm no fool in understanding that everytime we spoke who would make promises he couldn't keep. If I continue on this road he will keep doing those things I hate, but if I turn around and walk away- he will call and want me back. We said we were taking things slow, but I deserve someone that wants to be with me and live happy together. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragment. We will see what happends after we come back from Vacation... Link to comment
DN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 What do you see as 'taking it slow'? The problem with that term is that different people have very different ideas about what it means. It is very imprecise - and if anyone has any sort of plan for themselves or for a relationship the plan needs a time-line - not necessarily a rigid time-line but people need to have an idea of where they expect to be in a year, five years, ten years and so on. Link to comment
backsplash Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Start loving yourself . Go to an Al-Anon or Codependents anonymous meeting. Get all the love and support from as many strong woman as you can. And when you are ready you'll make a change-perhaps even to let go of this man. See change and being happy aren't just about us talking about it and supporting each other on here with words-its also about action-to actually get to that better place. Good luck! Link to comment
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