going

[ButterflyWrists]

I can't be bothered with dealing with everything any more, well I'm worthless anyway, my mum doesn't care, my family don't care, my "friends" don't care, words on a white background on a computer screen, they don't care either, my shrink doesn't care, my "care" coordinator doesn't care, no one cares. Oh well, I should be used to it by now.

It's coming upto 3 years since I made the worst mistake of my life, going out with a rapist, that will be April 14th, the date burned into my memory forever.

Sorry for wasting so many peoples time, well I can promise you, I wont be doing that again.

 

And even if I fail, I wont be coming back here, at least not to post, maybe check my pm's. This site used to help me, but it seems like everyones bored of my posts, all the same just a different day, I've been struggling, not that anyone gives a damn.

I hope everyone has a good life and their issues get resolved.

 

I will pm my "friends", and give them my email if they want to keep in touch.

 

If angel comes back let her know I am thinking of her, and someone give her my email address.

 

 

Butterfly~Wrists

(worthless wrists)

[waveseer]

I care enough about you, but that isn't what will really help. You need to care enough about yourself to let go of your pain and feel peace while still breathing.

[Keyman]

Out of interest... Can you tell us what it is that you think we can do to help?

[ButterflyWrists]

not a-lot, obviously. At first when i very first came here, i thought having people listen, and point me in the right direction would help, well i got help medication and all that jaz, and that hasn't helped me. there is nothing anyone here can do, and if there was i doubt anyone would do it anyway.

[Keyman]

Seems like you have to make the change and I'm not referring to ending it either. Yes, a bad thing happened, we can't change that. All we can do is be supportive of your moving forward. But we can only be supportive if you want to move forward though. I am guessing that from your messages I've read, you don't feel a worth in doing it. It's a shame, there is a lot out there to live for.

 

I know it's hard, and I know it's not what you want to do, but take a step out of the place you are in, the place you have put yourself in your head. Take a chance that life is better than you think. While I don't know you and you are 12,000km away, I know I would really love to see a change for the positive and you start to look at life as being worth living.

 

What else can I say, it's got to be you that wants to be happy and if you don't want to be, then how can we help you?

 

Take care and be there tomorrow.

[ButterflyWrists]

i have made changes, i have done alot of things to try and change my outlook, but nothings helped, or helping. i have made a deal with one of my friends on here, to try and look after myself the way i would look after myself, tell myself i am the most precious person on the planet, which i to myself i should be. and i said i will try. put myself out of my so called comfort zone and try, and try not to think if that fails then i will commit suicide, that is all well and good, but what about when it comes down to doing it? I dont only suffer depression, i suffer multipul personalities and such likes, which takes away some of my control, seeing as my mum takes my medication. ah well..

 

thank you

[DaBladeRoden]

But, but who will be above me in the "Person Above You" thread?

[waveseer]

It is true that when I have nothing left to lose I am the most open-minded. You can treat yourself well, we can help.

[ButterflyWrists]

But, but who will be above me in the "Person Above You" thread?

someone else obviously.

It is true that when I have nothing left to lose I am the most open-minded. You can treat yourself well, we can help.

 

i will try r2r.

[Jeen]

Butterfly I don't know what to say, I think if I really had to speak my mind it would do more harm than good for many. Where to start? I had a few shrinks in my life, trying to help me to forget and to see life differently, I used nearly all the drugs legal and illegal to forget and to try and be happy. It all helped but only for a time, I never found a way that really helped in the long run. Maybe I am to much of a thinker or just not catching what every shrink had to say or show me in life.

 

And the words every one of them used " You and only you can really turn your life around to be happy and to look at life differently" still makes me feel guilty (a failure) everyday when I feel "I can't go on", all the CBT to think differently in life, looks sow good when you read and apply it whey life is on track. But those nights you can't sleep or wake up from a dream or those days you hear a name or a sound or a incident or a smell it takes you to a place where you are not in control and never will be.

 

Today I take life one step at a time, it is not a winner but it keeps me alive.

 

Big hugs.

Jeen

[waveseer]

how's it going, bw? I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing.

[ButterflyWrists]

I did post an update thread, but I will update you Since being off college, and a few days away from here, I started going out a little bit more, not as such making more friends, but going out for walks or into town and such.

And someone on this site, started talking to me more again, and started making me giggle (Grr at that), and is coming here for the weekend w00t.

Oh, also I have an appt to see the consultant psychiatrist at the mental health unit.

[waveseer]

I'm so glad things are looking up for you, it's so great what we can do for each other. You are important to many people on here, thank you.

[ButterflyWrists]

feck this. stupid feelings are back again. not long until my 19th birthday, and now it feels like i am no further along than i was this time last year. got some fresh razors maybe that will make me feel slightly better?

[waveseer]

Those "stupid feelings" that you mention have always gone away again before, right? Why wouldn't they go away this time too?

[ButterflyWrists]

they probably will, but im so fed up of them. i cant be happy or just normal for any significant amount of time, i'm either supper happy like hyper happy, or really depressed, no middle ground. im fed up of it.

[waveseer]

Are you on medication (sorry I forgot) and if so maybe they need adjustment.

[ButterflyWrists]

No, well yes, but I havn't been on them since january due to my shrink being ill, and there is no point in going back on them, because from April 6th I am going to have to pay for my prescriptions. Which I can't do as I have no form of income.

[waveseer]

I am truly sorry that I don't have an easy answer for you, of course if there was one you'd have solved it by now.

 

I do have a few suggestions:

 

1. Talk to your shrink about your options.

2. Research natural remedies and treatments to alleviate symptoms (even a little would help).

3. Find a support group that's free like Emotions Anonymous.

4. Keep talking to us here on ena.

 

There are some pretty smart and caring people here, sooner or later one of them will think of an option that will help.

[Miss Firecracker]

Why do you blame yourself for being raped?

 

That happened to me, and I never did that. I blamed him. Just because you were trusting is a reason to condemn yourself?

[ButterflyWrists]

I am truly sorry that I don't have an easy answer for you, of course if there was one you'd have solved it by now.

 

I do have a few suggestions:

 

1. Talk to your shrink about your options.

2. Research natural remedies and treatments to alleviate symptoms (even a little would help).

3. Find a support group that's free like Emotions Anonymous.

4. Keep talking to us here on ena.

 

There are some pretty smart and caring people here, sooner or later one of them will think of an option that will help.

Well the shrink im seeing isn't the one i had before, he dropped me, for no reason. but ill see if i can try.

 

Why do you blame yourself for being raped?

 

That happened to me, and I never did that. I blamed him. Just because you were trusting is a reason to condemn yourself?

 

and i blame myself because i could have and should have put a stop to it. also because his friends family and college all blamed me.

[waveseer]

Try thinking of what happened when you were raped this way:

 

"I made a series of poor decisions which placed me in a position of vulnerability with someone who wasn't trustworthy. However, I would not have been raped if the man did not force himself upon me."

 

No rapist, no rape.

[Jeen]

i blame myself because i could have and should have put a stop to it. also because his friends family and college all blamed me.

 

Butterfly!

 

What could have happened if you resisted? Rape is not black and white there are sow many things you have to take into consideration when you feel this way, to start with!

 

You were young when this happened.

There are people out there that will pray on the young and innocent, they don't look any different from you or me, it is not always possible to see who is evil, especially when one is young.

 

You felt you could play him down and get away.

You could not see or comprehend it would go this far, how can any one. You did your best to be friendly for you know this person, he takes your no not as a no for you don't get aggressive. How could you know he would go this far. You can't!

 

If you had screamed at him or tried to fight him it may not have happened.

Bull, bull, bull! It would still have happened he is a sexual predator.

 

Next time any of his friends, family and college start to blamed you, ask them if they would trust him with their kids.

 

You are not to be blamed!

[ButterflyWrists]

Try thinking of what happened when you were raped this way:

 

"I made a series of poor decisions which placed me in a position of vulnerability with someone who wasn't trustworthy. However, I would not have been raped if the man did not force himself upon me."

 

No rapist, no rape.

if you put it like that i see your point. but if i hadnt made those desisions that led me to that situation, i wouldnt have been there, so its still my fault...

Butterfly!

 

What could have happened if you resisted? Rape is not black and white there are sow many things you have to take into consideration when you feel this way, to start with!

I suppose.....

 

You were young when this happened.

There are people out there that will pray on the young and innocent, they don't look any different from you or me, it is not always possible to see who is evil, especially when one is young.

yeah, thats true, but this guy, you could tell... there was just something about him. . .

 

You felt you could play him down and get away.

You could not see or comprehend it would go this far, how can any one. You did your best to be friendly for you know this person, he takes your no not as a no for you don't get aggressive. How could you know he would go this far. You can't!

That is true.

 

If you had screamed at him or tried to fight him it may not have happened.

Bull, bull, bull! It would still have happened he is a sexual predator.

 

Next time any of his friends, family and college start to blamed you, ask them if they would trust him with their kids.

 

You are not to be blamed!

 

If i had screamed, and someone heard me it would have stopped there.

 

I asked them, they said i must have done something to make him do this, and that he is the victim in all of this, even tho he was bragging about it. i dont get it.

 

so all in all, i am still to be blamed.

[Miss Firecracker]

That is why I never reported being raped. I knew everyone would look at me differently. I wasn't up for that, so I just forgot about it. I understand it must have been terribly humiliating for people to blame you. They had to have someone to blame, and it wasn't going to be the one they loved. You were the only choice.

 

Trust me that deep down inside they know the truth, they just can't admit it to themselves.