I think my boyfriend might be an alcoholic and I need help

[Emms]

Alright so I'm worried about my boyfriend because I think he might be an alcoholic. A little background information: We're both in our early twenties and in a long distance relationship (about seven hours away from each other when I'm away at school, four/five hours away when I'm at home.) So, I don't get to see him all that often (once a month or so, maybe once every two or three weeks if we're lucky.) We've been together for five months, though I've known him for well over three years.

 

Reasons why I think he might be an alcoholic:

-He goes out and drinks with his friends ALL the freaking time. Like, several days a week.

-Sometimes, when he doesn't go out with his friends, he'll drink by himself, alone in his house. When I've asked him about this, he says that he thinks it's fun to do household-y things like make spaghetti and clean dishes while being drunk. He also told me once that he doesn't need people to drink with if he wants to drink-he's very independently minded.

-The time I do spend with him he often wants to pick up alcohol each night. Now, while I do like to drink and go out and party sometimes, I definitely don't like to do it all the time, and I don't think I have the physical stamina to do it as often as he does.

-He really doesn't have a lot of control over how much he drinks, and he will often drink to the point where he doesn't remember half the night. He doesn't do this on purpose, but he doesn't seem to have any boundaries and doesn't seem to be able to stop himself.

-I also don't like him most of the time when he drinks, especially when he gets extremely drunk...he does stupid things, and sometimes hateful things. (Stupid such as kicking a trash can into the middle of a New York City street near where I live, just because he can. Hateful because he's said some very mean things to me while drunk that he's had no recollection of whatsoever the next morning. He's never physically hurt me, of course.)

 

He knows that I have a problem with his drinking, but like I said, he's extremely independent and immediately rebels whenever he feels like anyone's trying to change him and/or tell him what to do or how to lead his life. He says it makes him feel like I'm his mother when I try to talk to him about this stuff, and it turns him off.

 

We've talked about it, and he's gone through periods where he hasn't drank but he always goes back to it. He knows I think he has alcoholic tendencies and that I don't like it. I think some of it might be because he's going through a difficult time in his life-he's unemployed, can't find work, and is trying to find a job that will enable to him to finish college. His mom is being really hard on him about it, and I wonder if he's relieving stress or fear and is trying to escape a little bit.

 

It just kills me cause I care about him a lot and he is like legitimately full on in love with me (I'm almost positive he is, and I'm not being narcissistic), and he is SO good...he has so many aspirations and so much he wants to do, and it breaks my heart that he spends what little money he has (and owes me!) on alcohol because he is SO much better than that. I know, however, that if his drinking continues to this extent without him showing any real signs of change, I will need to break up with him, no matter how much it breaks my heart to do so. Please...what do you think? Is he an alcoholic? What should I do? We're trying to plan a visit for this coming week, if that means anything, and I'm thinking about giving him an ultimatum of sorts: either he begins to seriously try to stop drinking practically every night and spending money he doesn't have on alcohol, or I'n going to have to break up with him...ugh, I just don't know how to deal with this anymore, it's so hard to get through to him...and sorry, I know this is a book.

[avman]

Hi there and welcome to eNotalone. I can see where you feel your boyfriend has a drinking problem. Based on what you've described I agree with you. It does appear he has a serious problem and it is absolutely affecting your relationship.

 

You have a few choices. One is breaking up with him (as you already mentioned). Another one is to attend some Al-Anon meetings. This is a support group for friends and family of problem drinkers. These groups can help you gain some understanding of this addiction and learn some techniques to try to help you talk to your boyfriend about getting some help.

 

Take a look at their website and see if they have a meeting location near you.

 

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[annie24]

yup, definitely sounds like an alcohol problem. if he isn't an alcoholic, he is well on his way. i dated a guy like that. and the second i mentioned his drinking, he broke up with me.

 

have you heard of the CAGE test? it's a very simple, broad test to determine if someone is an alcoholic:

 

Crave: do they crave alcohol?

Anger: do they get angry when you mention their drinking?

Guilt: do they feel guilty about their drinking?

Eyeopener: do they need an eyeopener in the morning?

 

if a man says yes to 2 or more, it's likely alcoholism. 1 or more for women.

 

i think if he isn't willing to get help, you need to break up with him. already, he doesn't sound like a good partner for you, if you want to avoid him when he is drinking, if he can't keep his drinking under control, i'd stay away.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

The main problem I see here is that he owes you money. That's just a bad character flaw if a guy is borrowing money from his gf since he spent all his on liquor.