canali Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 This thread is a bit of a 2 in 1.... I feel that I am at a turning point (seeing a professional, too, which is helping immensely...sometimes just to rant and yet get some better strategies to handle things IS such a release of pressure from my head/heart)...anyway, can anyone relate to this: that once single and nearly healed (say 80%) that you have a big 'NO VACANCY' sign up on your heart? Like who wants to go through another emotional pummeling, lol (but of course we all will) I'm arriving at a place where--while regular sex would be great--I am trying to really broaden out who I am and what I need to be more happy, to be a fuller person and derive more self validation/approval before I get involved again with someone else, ie, to have more friends for starters so I won't overinvest in one person. I feel blessed that my relationship ended after only nearly 2 yrs... * * * * it did enough damage to my ticker as it is (alot of that needless ruminating was my own fault, too)....i mean in some ways this break has been a blessing for me: for in my pain I see the errors of some of my beliefs, thinking and behaviours, too. Of course eventually we all will get reinvolved again; and until another obliteration occurs we keep on trudging onwards what we think is a ''keeper'' or it will ''last'' ('keeper' ...'last' what relative terms, eh?...what does ''last'' mean? think about it: it is always ''lasting'' and we're always a 'keeper' until the gig ends/blows up/dies out (yada yada)....so I guess in many ways relationships really are about the JOURNEY to becoming a better person healing your wounds and growing...I mean people in their 50-60s 70s all break up, too...people of 10-20 yrs break things off when what worked in the past doesn't work anymore, despite efforts and good intentions....sometimes it is for the better, too, when things no longer work, for instance. More and more I'm trying to get to a place of present day mindfulness as per reading an excerpt from Bruce Fishers's book on instead of asking ''is this the one'' ask yourself ''Is this person someone I can spend quality time with NOW?"..yeah so much easier said than done I know given we all want emotional stability...but what a lovely, less cumbersome and more freeing mindset isn't it? Link to comment
Wolf_22 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think relationships all boil down to finding that one special person who shares your values. If you find this person, you are the richest person on Earth. Link to comment
canali Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 good point....i recall one relationship coach in a newspaper article saying the problem with many of his clients is that they do NOT know what they truly want in a partner...lust and loneliness are still big albeit hazardous drawing cards for many of us. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Not only have I put up the "NO VACANCY" sign, but I'm starting to wonder if I even want to get married or bring kids into this world anymore. All my life I wanted to get married to a wonderful woman, wanted to have kids - the divorce rate is so high, the world is becoming harder and harder to raise kids in...I've known people in their 50s who are still single and seem to lead happier lives. With my experience with the opposite sex, the future is looking bleak. I mean, I know great girls are out there, but if I have to go through another heartbreak like my last one I'll wind up hanging myself - figuratively speaking, of course (I hope). Link to comment
RobD70 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Count me in. I have no interest in getting involved with another woman (outside of sex) and I'm actually liking not having to worry about or cater to some woman just because she won't put out if I don't. I did love my ex-wife but she turned into someone now I have no respect for. Two months ago I would have said she hung the moon and was the best thing that happen to me and today I say she can rot in hell for all I care. It's nice not feeling I need a woman in my life personally. I can now do what I want and what makes me happy without being judged or compromising. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think it's totally natural to "swear off" relationships while in the early stages of healing, at that time we are really too vulnerable to relax and have fun anyway. As we progress in our healing and feel we are on firmer ground then usually we can afford to be more open-minded about being in a relationship again. Link to comment
canali Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 i'm not closing shop entirely about another person's presence as a significant other at some period in my life ....instead what I'm getting at is how I am trying to truly savour my singlehood right now to be stronger more 'whole' person...to rely more on myself for more self love (without the palm pilot, lol!)...I know fundamentally that we are social creatures and NEED people, and what I truly need in my life right now are FRIENDS (most are back east)...sure I have joined some clubs (ie yoga/meditation to release grief/stress from breakupbut mostly women attend those classes and while having some tail is nice my heart says no..not to say you can't be friends with women (but I already have a number of gal friends)....anyway...singlehood is sweet right now.... funny but came accross a book of people in their 50s-70s and how many of them cherish their singlehood now and/or like having a pt relationship (they come and go as they please/live on their own as does their lover in separate dwellings...so there is less ' lets' be forever, is this the one?' pressure etc). ...bring that sort of a relationship on, man....more 'in the moment, here and now' sort of interacting. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I think it's totally natural to "swear off" relationships while in the early stages of healing, at that time we are really too vulnerable to relax and have fun anyway. Yeah, you're right. I've sworn off relationships before. Lo and behold, I wound up in another one. Another screwed up one, but I'll get it right eventually. Link to comment
ellandroader Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I am quite reluctant right now to get involved too. My proper dating experiences have been few and far between for several reasons but the upside of it is that I have gotten to know myself very well and develop my own skills and personality. I think when most people find me, I am at a place mentally and whatnot and ready to get involved, with a clear idea of what I want. If you are unsure, just take it easy for now. There is no rush and the time to yourself may help you. Link to comment
thorpe Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I can definitely relate. Since my divorce I've been on a couple of dates, but I was never interested enough to go on a second date. Sometimes at parties or in a bar my friends get annoyed at me as I don't pick up on cues from women that they are interested in me anymore. I'm definitely out of the dating pool Link to comment
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