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Confusion, Mixed signals?


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Hello there.

First off I'd like to say how incredibly helpful this forum has been the past few weeks, my thanks to the wonderful and wise that make it happen. Hopefully you'll be able to help me out here.


Now for my situation:


Background After about a year and a half of a great relationship, things began to turn sour. My ex and I broke up/reconciled many times for awhile. It wasn't so much that we fought, or had any serious problems, I just later realized that I had become depressed/afraid of commitment and no longer wanted to be with her as I felt trapped. For about a year after this period, we remained "together" (still hung out/intimate) although we were not official. This is what I thought I wanted at the time, which I now know is a terrible thing to do to somebody. Towards the end of this time she ended up sleeping with somebody else, which she immediately regretted. I was hurt when she told me, but things didn't really change. We kept going on with our Pseudo-relationship. After this incident I became a bit bitter, and distanced myself, as I had lost a great deal of trust. I even went as far as to encourage her to see somebody else.


A couple months pass by.


The Hurt about a couple weeks of minimal contact, I ended up calling her one night which led to talking/wine/sleeping together, which led to some awkward feelings afterward. I visited her at her work the next day, we talked and she told me something along the lines of "We can't keep doing this," to which I agreed. Though, by this time I had a change of heart. We were a bit flirty and left on a good note. That night I left for a little two day trip and upon returning she just started ignoring me. A few days pass by, I pour my heart out to her, and she finally tells me there is someone else she is seeing. My heart sunk. Classic case of dumper becoming dumpee.


I made all the usual mistakes of begging/pleading for a couple weeks and even became suicidal (A number of other life problems helped contribute to this). Out of desperation (and before I found this forum), I torrented "The Magic of Making Up" which did help me start to pick up the pieces. I followed the guide almost to the teeth, Agreeing with the breakup/Hinting at friendship one day/Working on self/No contact, and in as little as three days of NC she started texting to see how I was doing and such. This later turned into her not speaking so highly of her current relationship, and hinted that she missed me. A couple weeks pass by, and while under stress I tell her how that I was tired of holding space for her and how I even passed up an opportunity with somebody at one point, and also said that I didn't want her to talk to me until she made up her mind.


The very next day she ended her relationship.


Recent Events very day she ended her relationship, she called me over to her place to tell me(She does live within walking distance). I was thrilled! A few days later we ended up going to the movies, and I slept at her house. No intimacy, but some affection.


The next day she sent me a few texts saying she thought that she thought she could end her relationship and be with me right away, but she couldn't do it. She expressed that she needed to be able to be okay by herself. I was crestfallen, but I played it cool. She ended up calling me over that night to stay there again.


A couple weeks or so passed by, we occasionally hung out and talked a bit. She stayed at my house a few times, twice while I was hosting a gathering and once she came completely unannounced as she was having a hard time at home. I've expressed that I want to be in a relationship with her, but she still doesn't give me a clear answer. It's always something like "I don't want to say yes because I'm afraid I'll change my mind in a week, and I don't want to say no for the same reason."


So here I am, stuck in this purgatory. At one point I told her that I didn't think we could be friends anymore, although I went back on it but she did end up staying over again after that.

It's also worth mentioning that many of the times she contacted me, even while she was in another relationship, she would be having some kind of issue and be crying because of it. Every time this happens I'm there for her, though I can't help but feel I am being used for comfort.


Help! Is it reconciliation? Over? Still up in the air?


(Sorry for the essay, but let me know if I need to clarify anything as I tend to ramble.)

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Hi there Enatlas, i'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through. However, i think it's your turn now to be there for your gf and i'll tell you why i think this.


You broke up with her after a year and a half of dating for no serious reason according to you. You said you felt trapped and had fear of commitment. But you still kept seeing her (intimately) for another year without any promise of commitment. At one point she even confessed that the two of you could not continue on like that. For any woman...that's gotta be tough. So she goes and sleeps with someone else and you become bitter and distance yourself even though according to you....you guys were not in a committed relationship. Then you encourage her to see someonelse.


Which she does...so why did your heart sink? You asked her to do just that. You made your gf realize that life does go on without you.


I don't blame her for not wanting to be in a hurry to get back together with you. She's probably afraid that your fear of commitment and feelings of being trapped might flare up again and she might get dumped once again.


What you need to do is be her friend and earn her trust again. Show her that you are serious this time. It may take a while but if you really care about her as it seems you do...you just might win her back. Good luck!

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