Jump to content

Unrealistic pedastool/ still missing them/ were they actually great?


Recommended Posts

ARGH! I'm after a bit of reassurance...I've struggled hard to get over my ex and I'm there! I'm really happy now, life is good again, I feel stronger than i've ever been, I have built my own life, a life that isnt reliant on a relationship, friends who are not precarious, a new career etc.

 

However, I still miss my ex-boyfriend. I miss him all the time. It doesnt rip my heart out anymore, I can handle it but there is a sadness that just wont leave. He was/is so incredibly gregarious, fun-loving, positive, such a pleasure to be around.

 

Im aware of putting people on pedastools, remembering only good things, obsessing etc, and i know I have done this a lot in the past. However now, I feel so balanced and yet undeniably, he is an incredible person.

 

I have many amazing friends but no-one quite like him. Do you really ever meet someone new who is genuinely better than that person you loved? I miss the connection we had and i worry that although I finally feel positive i'll meet someone else I could love, have fun with, be happy with....will anyone light me up like he did? I genuinely have never met a person like him, nor had a friendship like it. I miss him still.

 

How have other people coped with these feelings? Did they go away eventually?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At 24, there is an excellent chance (99.9999%)you will meet someone that takes your breath away. Better? that's a tough one....i would go with different....but someone that could be one of your many soul mates. He's out there. you don't want the feelings to go away, you just want them to be real. we always miss the friends and BF that go away. they are a part of who we are. but they will be less painful every day that passes. i'm so glad you're so happy on your own. that's the ticket to freedom....now anyone that comes into your life will be the cherry on top!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But not just a someone....I can see now that I will probably meet someone else, and maybe someone else after that. I see now that the ideals I had were unrealistic and I accept that life might have to a series of loves.

 

I am really fortunate that i have lots of friends and I meet new people all the time and as I live in London, its very varied. However, not one person I know (though amazing) is him.

 

What if I never meet someone with whom it can be as good as it was with him? I guess I'll always just be totally baffled as to how he didnt feel the same about me. I guess he was out of my league, I certainly couldnt keep him and now maybe i'll have to settle in some way for something just slightly less.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow i hear you locolady

 

unlike you I am fully not healed. But I agree, there is this part of me that feels like yes I can meet someone interesting and meet someone who could love me, but will I ever feel the way about them the way i felt about my Ex.

 

I def put my Ex on the pedistole and I also know there are things he could of done that would have helped our relationship run more smoothly, but then again he didn't do them for a reason and he broke up with me for a reason. And the only reason I can think of is that he did not feel the same way towards me as I did towards him. And that is the main reason why I haven't healed b/c I am having trouble coming to grips with that and do not understand why you would fully get involved with someone if you were hesitant about your feelings. I also feel like I wasn't good enough for him and if that is the case, then how will I find another like him and how will I have faith that that person will like me the way I would hope and visa versa

 

I lose much faith in the fact that I feel like I can meet someone who def could love me, but I dont think I could love them the way I loved my Ex. And I also feel that I just will never find anyone like my Ex that will fit me. To me my Ex was perfect (even with his flaws) and he was exactly what i was looking for (minus the fact that he chose to walk away). I just don't have the mental capasity to imagine another HIM is out there.

 

I as well am almost 24 and in NYC where I am around tons of people meeting tons of people but no one, not a single sole has sparked a reaction then way my Ex did... sigh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also feel like I wasn't good enough for him and if that is the case, then how will I find another like him and how will I have faith that that person will like me the way I would hope and visa versa

 

I lose much faith in the fact that I feel like I can meet someone who def could love me, but I dont think I could love them the way I loved my Ex. And I also feel that I just will never find anyone like my Ex that will fit me. To me my Ex was perfect (even with his flaws) and he was exactly what i was looking for (minus the fact that he chose to walk away).

 

Shattered 21,

 

I feel exactly the same way. It's hard to imagine ever finding anyone like my ex again. I also felt like I wasn't good enough for him. He's very talented and good looking and I'm average looking and not as cultured. I was shocked that he ever fell for someone like me. I don't think he thought he could get someone better at the time because of his self-esteem. That hurts me so much. I love him and admire all that he has to offer. Now when I go on dating sites, I only get messages from unattractrive, low-confidence guys who seem desperate. One guy who wrote even said he's looking for an "average looking woman." That hurt. I've been told I'm cute but it seems like now I'm douting it all. I think I'm a great person once someone gets to know me but I wonder how I'll ever meet anyone. I don't go to bars or parties so I don't meet new guys often. I like to be friends first anyway. My ex has all the traits I wanted so how can someone top that? I feel you, girl...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know how you feel. My ex was very attractive, had a great / wellpaying job, lived completely on her own, and was very well cultured. I on the other hand have a crappy paying job (although to be fair I just graduated college 2 months ago), still live with my parents, am NOT well cultured at all, and put myself in the "not much to look at" category. And I have often questioned how I'm going to find somebody who measures up to her. But I've come to realize in the past few weeks that its wrong to measure any new girls that come into my life up to her, as everybody is different and has unique things about them that make them great. And finding a girl who has a better job than my ex does or one that others may consider to be more attractive than my ex doesn't mean that she is somebody I should be interested in based on those things alone. So my advice to you would be to stop focusing on trying to find somebody "better" than your ex and focus instead on finding someone that makes you happy without any comparison to your ex. Because as long as your trying to classify somebody as "better" than him, your still keeping him high up on that pedastol and nobody will ever compare. The very pedastol that you need to knock him off of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you maverick for your response

 

The funny thing is that I think I concentrate so much on my image and looks b/c that is what my Ex did. He was very much about his image, how he portrayed himself, what people thought of him, and what people thought of us together. He didn't have enough confidence to be proud to be with whomever he thought was perfect with him, and he also did have enough confidence being simply just him. It was like he was always fighting something, he would try to dress a certain way to be a little different, (more surfer like to stand out from his regular jock friends) But then again he would be influenced by his friends. It was like he strived to be perceived as different but also wanted to be apart of the crowd.

 

I think this has influenced me. On paper I am far more cultured them him, I am at times smarter, I have far more confidence, great (unique) friends, travel more, read more, I am equally athletic and at times better, and there were just qualities about me that made me unique and showed him new things and different stuff to experience (him as well did that for me)

 

I think my issue is that I always wanted his stamp of approval. Since he was always looking for everyone else approval, I as well created that habit. Did he like my outfit, did I wear my hair right, did his friends like me, did I make good company at the team dinners, was he proud to be with me, did he brag about my job and what I was doing. (I know at times he did, but I wasn't fully confident that this was constant. I felt a lot of times I wasn't good enough and did not live up to the standards he put on himself)

 

I am not sure if people have this feeling, I have never had it before with anyone else (of course want to impress guys but have never felt unworthy of their attention) - I guess I am struggling now with trying to shake this insecurity.

I get thoughts of wanting to go and ask my friends (guys especially) am I pretty? Am I attractive? Why don't I get hit on?

I never felt the need for it, but now I do. I just wish I could have confidence in the fact that I know I bring a lot to the table, that I might not be the prettiest girl in the room, but I sure add an element of my own. I think I struggle a bit too b/c i do end up dating very attractive, determined, put together men, but it takes a while, we become friends get to know each other and then the guys feelings change for me.

I am just not the girl that a guy lays eyes on, and he approaches and wants me. I am that girl who you know for a while then soon realize you have feelings for and then aggressively pursue. I guess I wish things could be a little easier where I could just be pursued from the beginning and not have to go through the whole friend’s thing. It just never seems as sweet. Like sometimes it feels like they settled, like if they like me so much now why wouldn't they like me at the first time we met.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Shattered: I feel EXACTLY the same way. I also live in NYC and am also getting over someone who really hurt me. I am the same type of girl -- guys rarely approach me but then nearly always end up liking me once we become friends. Is it because I am unattractive? I don't know. I feel like people tell me the opposite a lot. But I never get hit on either. I never go on dates. It's always a friend that decides he likes me and wants to date me. It makes it very difficult for me to meet men in the city because it's so hard here. How do you do it? I also feel like maybe they have settled. I completely agree with you about that sense of insecurity...

 

Loco: I feel like my ex and I completely clicked. We fought a lot but we had dated for 6 years. We knew EVERYTHING about each other and I still can't get past it. I know I am only thinking of the good times but I feel like I will never be able to meet someone as caring, loving and attractive that has the ability to love me too. It feels now like he's out of my league. I can't imagine meeting anyone similar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To add to my previous response, I think a big reason that alot of us feel this is because we think that our ex is "better" than us, and once its over (especially if you are the one who was dumped) we consider why that person was with us in the first place. This is where knocking them off the pedastol really comes into play, and why its so necessary to move on. Like some have said, it feels like it would be easier to get over someone who was a jerk or had absolutely nothing to offer, unfortunatley this is not always the case. You have to accept that your ex was a good person and probably still is a good person, but so are you, and you have alot to offer and will find somebody new who makes you happy. Another thought I've had is to really analyze why we think our ex's are so great, is it because they are truly great? Or is it because we are being nostalgic and trying to come up with reasons to miss them or want them back? Just something to think about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Look at it this way, Jennifer Aniston was married to Brad Pitt, one of the sexiest men alive, and they split up. Would you say that Jennifer will never find someone as amazing as Brad Pitt? Maybe there isn't anybody better but there will be someone just as good for her. We keep rooting that she will anyway. So when you feel that there won't be anybody as good as your ex, just think... he's not exactly Brad Pitt, is he? So the answer is yes, you will find someone just as good if not better!

 

Haha! Hope this helps, just a loony perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

bradnnew1

 

Hi there. I find it harder now to make new guy friends. Which then prevents me from having hope of another relationship. I have some old guy friends, who I know will never turn into anything, b/c gross i couldn't imagine that and neither could they, but I have been friends for so long that if it was gonna turn into something it would of happened already.

I tend to date my Best guy friend. We could be casual friends for a while then we become best friends, and I think maybe part of the reason they start liking me is that I let my guard down with them. I don't think I do that when we are just casually friends. I find it hard to trust guys, and set expecations for them. So when he is my best friend I start doing this more.

I play a bunch of sport so I attempt to meet guys through that. Snowboarding, soccer, tennis. I guess I am trying to work on just acting completely myself with any guy I randomly meet. This is really hard, b/c when I have a crush on you I clam up I don't talk and I think a guy can't really see my personality (which seems what they are attracted to, rather then my looks) -

I would say try to meet a guy at work, become buddies, and attempt to go out with him and his friends, or sign up for a team sport together, or just go to lunch with him occasionally and maybe he will invite a friend or another guy in the office.

 

I really realized that when I am fully myself and don't think of how to impress the other person, that people find me a lot more attractive and I enjoy myself a lot more. Also I usually start out with having a crush on someone, once I stop crushing on them and become friends is usually the moment things change and they start liking me.

So I think the reason why I feel like they are settling is that I think I liked them they didn't liek me and now they do. When in reality a lot of times they don't even know I liked them to begin with.

I wish things weren't so complicated when it came to this and I had it easy like the other girls who could just go to a concert or out to a bar a guy approaches them and they are in an intense loving relationship.

I have never had this expierence

 

As for putting the guy on the pedistal. I still do it, And wish i had more faith that I will find someone who will love me unconditionally. It is hard to imagine that when you aren't surround buy guys showing you affection and showing capabilities of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let me tell you, from a long and happy life, i have meet so many special men. men that i adored. men that i thought 'oh, i will never find another like him'...and guess what? a 'better' one came after him. they got better and better! it was amazing....because as you date, you make better choices the longer you live. you hone in on exactly what your looking for...and you get closer and closer to that 'prize'...and then you realize...man, this is an incredible journey....all these relationships have make me who i am today. it is an incredible life! if you live more for today and not for the 'forever' you will really live, ya know? not sure if this makes sense.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...