Jump to content

Advice needed re: duaghter's b-day party


Recommended Posts

So, my ex-wife and I have joint custody of our daughter. She will be 6 soon. Overall, the relatinoship with her mother has been choppy at best, as you simply cannot communicate with her (example, last year I phone her to ask why she slammed a door in front of my face, and she tells her bf and mother that I am threatening to kidnap our daughter). This is the type of mentality I am stuck dealing with.

 

However, since we split up we have had one party for my daughter's b-day, which has been, to say the least, a bit awkward for me. Last year, my wife and I (she was my fiancee at the time) went to the ex-wife's party and then had our own the week after, with our families. Wow, what a freakshow. My ex-wife even invited an ex-girlfriend of mine to be at her party, which made an already awkward situation even worse. We were hardly even acknowledged at the party.

 

This year, my wife and I have correctly decided that it is best for all concerned, especialyl my daughter, that we each have our own parties for her. This way, my ex-wife and her fiance can have their families spend time with her, and my wife and I can have our families time with her. When I mentioned this to my ex-wife, it was the usual display of double talk, as she wondered why we shouldn't still hold the party together and split the costs (which, I believe, is the crux of the reason she wants us there). Also, my daughter mentioned yesterday that seh wants to invite my wife and I to her mom's party. My wife and my daughter get along terrificly I might add, she even calls her mom sometimes, which I believe is sparking some unfounded jealousy issues.

 

My question is: any of you who have seen and/or experienced situations like this before, how can we gently explain to my daughter why we aren't going to her mom's party, only to the one that we are hosting??

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

depends on how old your daughter is. how old is she?

 

I would just say that you wanted to do your own thing for her, so she can have more than one special day. of course she might come to expect 2 parties every year for her birthday. are you determined to give her a party, or can you maybe do something else special and fun for her bday? like a mini trip somewhere or something?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ex wife and I split up when my son was six. My son and I had to talk a lot about why mom and dad didn't live together anymore and why we don't spend time at events like that together. The important thing for him was, like you're doing, to reassure him that I love him and that we'd be partying together soon too and we'd have a lot of fun.

 

I think you're going to get off the hook a lot easier then you think once you have your party. I can tell you that my son barely even notices me when it's his birthday so the fact I'm not at his mom's party has never bothered me. I always call on his mom's party day though to tell him to have fun.

 

Kids have a long memory, but things like this won't matter. She just needs to know that you're not avoiding the party because you don't love her. Then make your party for her really great. Next year she'll be excited she gets to have 2 birthdays.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She will be 6. Yeah I think we are determined to give her a party because, this way, she can get presents form my family and my wife's that she will actually get to kee pat our house - because anything she brings to her mothers, never gets seen again.

 

Aldo, I would b a bit embarrassed to bring my in-laws around my ex-wife and her family - they'd probably ignore them the same way my wife were last year.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks man. Yeah that's what we're going to do. I think it is more in her mothers head than in hers, to be honest. And ya know - it is kind of sad because, if her mother and her live in boyfriend could act somewhat mature, we could all get along and have a huuuuuuug party for her - and wouldn't that be something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scottie

 

That is the thing - that she knows you love her. It will be so much easier when you start doing your own thing - trust me. So what if she gets two parties heehee! Just make the most of these years because it is not long before they are organising their own thing.

 

The main thing is that everyone will be so much more relaxed - everyone wins.

 

Mark

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I agree. I remember the last birthday my ex and I had for my son before we split. It was great. We had the big enflatable bouncer in the back yard and tons of kids from both my wife at the time's friends and mine. It was great.

 

They're a little more low key now that they're separate, but still really great. Remember that ALL holidays are way more in our heads than the kids. My son is 8 now and loves his separate holidays. He's completely over the fact that my ex and I don't do them together and it's because we don't make a huge deal out of not doing them together.

 

She sounds like kind of a spiteful witch, so watch out for your daughter being a little upset with you at first if her mom says something and makes it her goal to point out you're not there, but believe me she'll forget about it in no time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scottie

 

That is the thing - that she knows you love her. It will be so much easier when you start doing your own thing - trust me. So what if she gets two parties heehee! Just make the most of these years because it is not long before they are organising their own thing.

 

The main thing is that everyone will be so much more relaxed - everyone wins.

 

Mark

 

 

You hit it on the head right there, I think. We will be mroe relaxed, and that will permeate the whole party.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds like kind of a spiteful witch, so watch out for your daughter being a little upset with you at first if her mom says something and makes it her goal to point out you're not there, but believe me she'll forget about it in no time.

 

Totally. And that does happen a lot. If I had a dollar for each time I was accused of not caring enough, not being involved enough. With that, I remember that the truly important people in my life (my wife, my daughter, our families) know the real story, and I can just shrug it off. But, I am sure that there will be some story manufactured.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sure that there will be some story manufactured.

 

That happens, I've been through it a million times too in the past two years with my son. Just trust that your relationship with your daughter is strong and know in your mind that you're a good father and doing what's best for her and your daughter will make up her own mind about things soon. My son already tells me when I say something out of line with anything regarding his mom and I have to step back and stop.

 

Hopefully you have or will develop that kind of relationship with your daughter because on the flip side she'll shut mom down too. Just always be there for her and don't let her mom push you away or enfluence you wanting to spend time with her. My mom did that to my dad and I never see him anymore and haven't talked to him in 10 years. On the flip side, I see my son at every given opportunity so he and I don't grow apart because of his mom.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That happens, I've been through it a million times too in the past two years with my son. Just trust that your relationship with your daughter is strong and know in your mind that you're a good father and doing what's best for her and your daughter will make up her own mind about things soon. My son already tells me when I say something out of line with anything regarding his mom and I have to step back and stop.

 

Case in point: the weekends when she is with her mother, she calls my wife and I pretty much every day. When she's with us, she never once asks to call her mom, and when her mom does call, it's like a 3 minute convo at best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have similar experiences. He calls me usually at least twice a week on our off week and we'll talk for 10 - 15 minutes. When his mom calls when he's with me he usually won't even get on the phone. A big part of it is because he sees her so much more than he sees me, but it is kinda funny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...