Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 This past Saturday a girl I've gone out with 4 times over the past two weeks invited me out to brunch on Sunday. She has a very busy schedule and it's been hard to find time that both of our schedules work out to where we can see eachother. I was really excited to see her. In my mind, brunch is around 10 or 11. So when noon came around I was starting to wonder what was going on. When 1pm rolled around I texted her and asked her what was going on. I knew she got home ok the night before and she lives by her phone so I thought for sure I'd hear back from her, but I didn't. So around 2pm I called and asked what was going on. I made the mistake of asking if I was being stood up. I got a text back from her 10 minutes later saying "wow, stood up?" and that this whole thing was too "intense" and that she would call me later but she needed to think about all of this. I texted her back and explained why I felt that way and said maybe it was a misunderstanding about the time or something. She said she'd call me later. She never called. Did I overreact? She didn't really have a good reason for why she didn't call me or what was going on. She said she'd been up running an errand though. So is it unrealistic fo rme to expect that she call me? I thought it would be common courtesy. Should I just wait to see if she calls and then forget about her if she doesn't? Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 to me, brunch is 11am ish did either of you confirm the brunch date before Sunday came around? from my perspective, she stood you up, then instead of apologizing, she got dramatic - you didn't over-react, she should have called - she was rude and disrespectful of your time how did the previous four dates go? have there been any red flags? or was this the first time she acted this way? Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 It's really the first time she's acted that way. The other four datse went really well I thought. The third "date" we went to a birthday party for one of her neices and she introduced me to a bunch of her family. We talked about it afterwards and she told me her family loved me too. So I was really surprised by the fact she didn't call me at all and then felt like she turned it around on me afterwards. My brother said I was overreacting because I texted and then called an hour later. We never confirmed a time we'd hook up, but we confirmed twice we were on for brunch. So now I feel stupid for telling her I felt like I was stood up because of how she reacted. Her response made me feel like "that guy". You know, the clingy overinvolved weirdo. I don't like how it all happened and I don't really know what to do. I texted her later in the day and said it was probably a misunderstanding and could we just forget it ever happened. Her response was there wasn't really anything to forget and she just needed the day to think about it. I just feel like I really messed up. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 She did turn it around on you. Notice how she didn't take any responsibility for her actions. I see a red flag there. Given that you confirmed twice, she should have been there. Did you 'chase' her to confirm though? Or was it a pretty easy going confirmation? You know what man, you're totally blaming yourself here. Don't do that. She stood you up. She was in the wrong. She owes you an apology and an explanation. Step back. Don't contact her. Give her a few days. She may be feeling overwhelmed by her own feelings. Let her call/text you first. Is dating new for her? How old are you two? Link to comment
shes2smart Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 You're not a mind reader. How were you supposed to know what time she had in mind when she said "brunch"? That roughly covers an area of about 10am to 2 or 3pm. A lot of room for leeway, there. If she's that busy, does she really have time for a relationship? That was something I always wondered when I was single and dating and met people who were always trying to cram things in. See, I figured I deserved better than to be crammed into someone's rare spare moments....but that's just me. I mean, it's one thing to have work temporarily go crazy or to have some short-term family family crisis. But someone who's busy all the time or who seems to go from one time-sucking crisis to another.... No, thanks, I'll pass on the drama. I don't get this "think about it" thing she's doing. What's to think about? You were both guilty of not suggesting an actual time. Seems like the thing to do is have a laugh at yourselves and move on...not make it into An Incident, y'know? Even after 6.5 years of marriage, my husband and I still miscommunicate on small stuff like this every once in a while and we get through it by laughing about our faux pas and letting it go. I realize I'm not getting the whole picture here, so perhaps I'm off the mark. In what you've presented, though, I do see some indications of patterns that may be present and may be indicative of larger issues. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Good points about 'busy' people. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 The confirmation was easy going. I didn't have to hound her to say we were on. Dating is kind of new for her. She got out of a really bad 5 year relationship two years ago and hasn't really dated anyone seriously since. She said that's what she wants now though. I appreciate the advice. I know I'm stewing on it too much. I just need to give her a few days and if she wants to try and move forward she'll call. Or she won't and I move on. She's 28 and I'm 30. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Uhg. She's really great when she does have time. That's the part I'm struggling with. I tried to turn it into a laugh and it didn't really work out. I don't get the "think about it" either. I'm trying to tell myself it's not even worth bothering with because of the time issue though. I know I need to feel like someone really wants to make time to see me and that they're not just cramming me in when they can. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Hey, I'd be stewing on it too. I tend to over-think things and do that whole mea culpa crap too! The thing is, if she is interested, she'll contact you. You shouldn't have to do all the chasing. If she is as into you as you are into her, she won't let more than 2 or 3 days go by without contacting you, if not sooner. Her actions will reveal where she's at. Next time, set a time for sure though. Give her the chance to miss you. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Well, for what it's worth...seems to me the responsible, gracious, mature response would've been along the lines of: "Oops...we never did specify a time, did we? Maybe we could try getting together at (time)...would that work for you?" "I need to think about this" strikes me as Drama Queen-ish. I mean, if she's gotta "think" about something this minor (in the larger scheme of things) what's she gonna do when life throws you a REAL curveball? Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 10 or 11 was what I was thinking. going back to something you asked I9grl, it was easy to get confirmation for brunch, but now that I think about it I did ask her what time we were getting together and she didn't reply to that. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Thanks shes2smart. I think you're right on the money. I mean, I didn't think that my reaction was that dramatic, and I was kind of expecting the response you suggested but it all went to hell. I was just really hoping for something more out of all of this and the talking and advice is making me feel better. Thanks. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 "this" being a potential relationship with the girl that is. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I did ask her what time we were getting together and she didn't reply to that. oh...maybe she wasn't really into getting together and didn't have the courage to tell you? what is your gut telling you? I do think it is a lot of drama - do you really want to deal with drama? still, don't contact her, wait and see if she contacts you Don't lower your standards and make sure you're respecting yourself - I highly doubt you would ever stand her up. Expect the same in return. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 My gut is telling me I deserve better than that. I think she may not have been into getting together once the day started, but again don't commit to something you don't want to do and ESPECIALLY when you're making a date. This is really the first drama there's been. That's why I'm a little thrown off today. I won't call. We'll see what happens. Like I said, I needed to talk about it. It's really bothering me today because I did like this girl. We went out 4 times but we talked a lot in between too and I thought there was more going on then what it was I think. That part is my fault. So is the fact that I'm letting it bother me so bad. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Listen to your gut feelings. Flakey behavior is never a good sign. This is a great place to talk about things - it has helped me out many times. There are a lot of different perspectives here. Good luck! Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 It's around 10 or 11. Around 2 pm would be lunner. or dinch. I wouldn't bother with this girl even if she did call back. looks like she was trying to bail out on it but didn't even have the courtesy to let you know and she's mad that you called her out on it instead of letting it go. Link to comment
Startoveragain Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 That's kind of the feeling I got too. She was looking for a way to not be the bad guy and I gave her an out. Albeit a stupid, nonsensical out, but an out all the same. I agree.... we were heading towards Linner at 2pm. Definitely not brunch. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 i think brunch can be anywhere from 10-3. (Depends on how hard you partied the night before and when you woke up!!!!!) but i agree, sounds like drama, she doesn't sound cool. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Most brunches start at 10 am and end by 1 pm. I think her response was incredibly rude. First, if you schedule a brunch with someone, that means they aren't eating breakfast. So to expect them to sit around waiting to eat until after 1 pm is nonsense. People who make brunch plans usually get together no later than 11 a.m. otherwise it would be considered lunch. If you still haven't heard from her at 2 or 3 p.m. than i would assume you'd been stood up unless she has a really good excuse for not even texting you to let you know she couldn't make it earlier. So i think at minimum she is inconsiderate, and at max she'd decided she didn't want to date you any longer and was just looking for an excuse to dump you. I'd move on. She's too rude. Link to comment
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