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How can I look past his past and see him for the man I love?


mira21
Should You Forgive a Cheater (Serio...
Should You Forgive a Cheater (Seriously!?)

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I asked my bf of one year to tell me about his sexual past. He had told me about it before, but only vaguely. I knew he had slept with four women before me and only one of them was in a relationship. But it was very important for me to hear more because I think it’s a big part of someone’s history and it tells you more about them. He was a bit hesitant at first because he was afraid that if he told me, I would feel differently about him. But I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t push him by any means, I said it was up to him to tell me or not. So he told me. Details. Maybe more details that I wanted to hear.

 

I’ve only been with him. He’s my first everything. So when he was describing his past, it was like something out of a movie to me. I am opposed to sex outside of a relationship and he knows that. So he seemed a little ashamed as he was telling me about all this. He said he was young and stupid and unable to refuse temptation. But at the same time, he said he doesn’t regret it because he learned from it. Plus, he said with a laugh, “I think about it every now and then.” That comment irked me. I wanted to be like, “What? You think about it?” But, I’m sure if I had slept with other men, I’d probably think about it too sometimes. You can’t help what you think about. I’m not foolish and naïve enough to think he always thinks about sleeping with me nonstop – and I wouldn’t want him to cause it’s not realistic.

 

At the end of it all, he said he felt lucky to have me because after all he’s done, he felt he didn’t deserve me. And now I’m thinking, maybe he doesn’t deserve me. I feel so terrible for having these thoughts because I love him to death. I see a future with him. I don’t feel jealous by any means, I just feel a little disgusted by his actions, a little turned off by him. What can I do? He was afraid I would feel differently about him, and now I think I do. How can I look past it all and see him for the intelligent, caring, understanding man I love?

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People do things that are very disappointing....we imagine them to be one way but find out that in the past they did things that totally go against our values. There is nothing we can do about what others have chosen to do in the past. Ask yourself this question....does his past sex life and the fact that it goes against your values have more weight than the love and compatibility the two of you share in the present day? It is okay for you to feel disgusted by what he did in the past because it goes against your values....what you need to decide is if this is a deal breaker for you. I think he could have dispensed with

he doesn’t regret it because he learned from it. Plus, he said with a laugh, “I think about it every now and then
. That was information he did not have to share. As for "doesn't regret it"..well, that could have been a defense mechanism because he was feeling ashamed of telling you so he was trying to gain back control over this discussion by putting a positive spin on it. I have seen that a lot...people defend having had numerous casual encounters by saying "they learned a lot from it" and "it made me who I am today". Whole lot of stuff and nonsense.
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What if he really doesn't regret it? I mean, people do have different ideas about this, and all of this happened before he met you? I think he is entitled his experiences, his choices, but also just looking back with no regrets.

 

I am my fiancé's first girlfriend, and we both think it's healthy to have a sexual relationship before getting married. I had relationships (and sex) before I met my fiancé, but that has never been an issue between us. He knows I am monogamous, and that I made different choices when I was younger. That doesn't mean I regret things or would have done things differently- I was in another stage of life, with other people, etc.

 

In that sense, I learned, and yes, it made me who I am today- I really don't see why that would be nonsense things to say (this is in response to CAD, btw

 

I'd be really careful in not making him defensive about his life before you.

 

Has he ever said that he changed his mind about wanting to wait after marriage, or is it a decision because YOU want to wait? This may be important to know; if he actually found that he changed his mind, I could imagine he regrets not having decided that before having sex at all (I mean, people can change their mind because of experiences, religious considerations, etc).

 

I think that if someone is willing to wait for someone who wants to wait for marriage, that is something to value and appreciate. Which makes me wonder why you say you feel like he maybe doesn't 'deserve' you.

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Seems to me like he is being honest with you. He could have easily lied about his past or tried to butter it up but he didn't. This is all fine and dandy but be careful when someone tells you they think they dont deserve you. For a reason I just cant explain people who say this usually end up cheating on you in one way or another. I still havent figured out why but I have seen it on much more than one occasion.

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One caveat you have to remember in situations like this, if you are sure you won't like the answer don't ask the question.

 

I know my wife had people before me as I have before her but I just think that she was a virgin with kids when we met and it works for me...simplistic perhaps but it works.

 

I don't dwell on her past nor does she mine, if you do then it will eat at you constantly and destroy what could be a great relationship.

 

Blessed Be,

Preacher

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wise man once said.. dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to.

imo, asking about sexual past has lead to more problems than its worth.

you asked because you really wanted to know, and now you dont think you can see past it.

 

sometimes the past really isnt important enough to risk the present and the future.

sexual history seems to be one of those subjects.

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This is a tough subject I think because we all want to be the first person to experience things with. I know that when I was married my ex wife and I had this conversation. It was more along the lines of figuring out what we'd both done and what we want to do. I didn't really like the answer because some of the things she'd done I wanted to try with her and she'd already done it. I got over it though because we found a lot of other things that were great that were eachother's firsts.

 

I think, morally, people make decisions about sex based on so many different things. Lust, opportunity, inebriation, etc. There's not a whole lot of things that relate to the act of sex itself that I think define people's core morals. Granted, cheating on or cheating with is the big exception to that. So I think for you it's important to decide if the things he's done define him and/or they are things you could see him doing again in the future. If not, then let it go. Men and women make stupid decision driven by their crotch. Not saying it's always right, but they will learn and hopefully not do them again.

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I think this is the crux of the matter and why when someone is a virgin it becomes more painful knowing that the person you love has "been there done that" with countless others...it is not something that only the two of you have shared together...this person has shared the same physically intimate moments with many others.

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Ask yourself this question....does his past sex life and the fact that it goes against your values have more weight than the love and compatibility the two of you share in the present day? It is okay for you to feel disgusted by what he did in the past because it goes against your values....what you need to decide is if this is a deal breaker for you.

 

The love I have for him is so much stronger than my concern over what he did in the past. I guess my issue is whether our differing opinions on sex (I dislike casual sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem with it based on his past) will affect our compatibility, our future, the way we raise our children, for example. I know this may be taking it a bit too far, but it's been more than one occasion where my bf surprised me with his opinions on sex. His morals are A LOT looser than mine. This is not to say that I fear he may cheat on me. I just have more conservative values and hearing about his past makes me worried that we're too different...

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if sexual history alone dictated compatability... hardly anyone would last in relationships. and it would be imparitive that you list the number of sexual partners you had on the first date, or on your online profile.

it doesnt work this way.

as long as he respects you and doesnt believe in cheating then you two are on the same playing feild.

you may not see it now because he is your first, but remember, he had a first too.

life changes, things change, and all you can do is move forward. you cant erase your past or subtract numbers. so its best left alone.

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The love I have for him is so much stronger than my concern over what he did in the past. I guess my issue is whether our differing opinions on sex (I dislike casual sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem with it based on his past) will affect our compatibility, our future, the way we raise our children, for example. I know this may be taking it a bit too far, but it's been more than one occasion where my bf surprised me with his opinions on sex. His morals are A LOT looser than mine. This is not to say that I fear he may cheat on me. I just have more conservative values and hearing about his past makes me worried that we're too different...

 

People have all kinds of different values on many things and still make a great couple. His values may be different then yours regarding casual relationships, but what difference would that make if you two become a solid couple. How much will that really come into play in the grand scheme of your relationship. How you communicate, settle disagreements, manage finances and discipline your children are the everyday things that count...not the fact that he had casual sex before he even met you. As for how to raise the children...how many fathers actually go and tell their sons..."yes sonny, I banged a lot of women in my day, picked them up at bars, at clubs etc and I really encourage you to do the same". I highly doubt many fathers do that. Typically parents teach their children more conservative values than they themselves followed.

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How you communicate, settle disagreements, manage finances and discipline your children are the everyday things that count.

 

I wanted to second that!

 

I dont eat meat. I find the current standard of meat consumption relatively wrong in today's society. I have had girlfriends who eat meat and I have had girlfriends who dont. If a girlfriend shares in my vegetarianism, it doesnt help anything with the relationship. Regardless of the girl's opinion, the manner in which they listen and respect my ideals and values is important. We can disagree on lots of morals so long as we both vibe well on the things crazyaboutdogs listed.

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He was a bit hesitant at first because he was afraid that if he told me, I would feel differently about him. But I promised I wouldn’t.

 

it's up to you to decide how important it is for you to have a similar history and values in regards to sex. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then you have to find someone more suitable, if not, you have to learn to accept that this is his past and has nothing to do with his respect for you.

 

 

Not only shouldn't you ask questions if you are not willing to know the answer, but you shouldn't make promises, if you are not certain that you will be able to keep them - it interferes with your credibility.

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I feel that past sexual history is vital to understanding a person on an intimate level. The purpose is not to judge but to recognize how our attitudes and behaviors change as we mature. If I don't hear the other person talk about their past, how will I know they've reached a compatible conclusion in the present rather than paying lip service to what they think I want to hear? It's not the details, it's the overall evolution.

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