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No talking about the future, no timeline


Parsley
Love Language, Secret to Successful...
Love Language, Secret to Successful Marriage.

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Hey guys,

I've been with my boyfriend for just under 2 years. We're at uni together, see each other everyday. Next year he'll be moving into the same house as me, though we're going to have separate rooms so that we'll both still have our own space to work etc. not for religious reasons. I've tried talking to him about the future before, but it's like getting blood out of a stone, he'll say I'm jinxing it or something, which is incredibly frustrating.

 

Last night I tried again to talk to him about it. Just so you know, I'm not trying to talk to him about this every other day, I've tried once or twice before in our relationship. So yeah, tried to start it off lightly last night, asking what he planned to do after uni, travel or just get a job or what. He said he didn't know.

 

My thing is, when we're both back in our hometowns, we're opposite sides of the country, and while I know that I'm lucky that I'm not in the US and thousands of miles apart, 4 hours by train at least is still a long distance. I had already said to him that I would move over to where he is after uni, I'd be more likely to get a job there than where I am now, and he seemed completely fine with that, like that was what he wanted to. But talking to him last night it seemed very much not like that...that he didn't really want me to move over there. When I said that, he said that it's not like that, but realistically we'll have to spend awhile apart, but wouldn't say how long he thought. He kept saying "it's so far away, why do we have to plan now?" I said that I didn't necessarily want to plan it now, I just wanted to have an idea, and know that at some point we *will* be able to talk about it and plan it, and asked if that would ever happen, and he said he didn't know. T

 

hat got me...upset. Him saying he didn't know if we'd ever plan for our future?! He just seems to want to wing it completely which to me just doesn't make sense. If we're living so far apart, surely that's only going to be a temporary measure while we sort ourselves out...but if he won't think about it...I don't know, it makes me feel like he doesn't care whether we're together or not. He had a bit of a go at me, saying it wasn't going to be like my sister and her husband, and that's what he thinks I want (they got engaged and married fairly young, she was 22, and he was 21). I said it wasn't, that their lives are completely different to ours, our stories are different, but he kept insisting that that's what I think. It's really not, I don't want him to turn to me tomorrow and ask me to marry him or move in or whatever, I just want to know when he's thinking of doing it, just so I know and don't get disappointed or whatever. When I asked what he wants, what he expects our timeline to be, he just kept saying I don't know, which to me doesn't make too much sense. If he knows it's not going to be one way, surely that means he has some vague idea of how he sees our future going?

 

I'm just so confused right now, feel like an idiot for trying to bring it up, but also feeling kinda heartbroken that he won't think about our future at all. I'm not asking for solid plans right here and now, just what to expect after uni. When we first got together we were hours apart, and I hated every moment of it, and said to him from then that I wasn't going to be like that again. But on his part it seems like the distance doesn't bother him one jot, and that things will or will not happen. I don't know what to make of it...is he just not committed to us if he won't think about it, or am I just being really girly and asking him to do something that he's just not programmed to think about? Right now I feel crap, like I'm giving him everything I can and I'm not going to get anything back. I don't want this to be some big thing for us, I love him so much, and every other aspect of our lives is great...just this thing he has about anything beyond a few months away with us. He's absolutely *fine* talking about the future with his friends, saying how he's going to live with them and they're gonna do this and that and gonna go travelling and I'm like, that's great, but where do I fit into that equation? Do I just slot in when you get bored of that? Where you have some free time?

 

I'm sorry all this is kinda higgeldy piggedly. I'm just writing down my thoughts and hoping someone has had this experience and can tell me what to do, or how to take it, how to cope with it.

 

P

x

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I do think you have different perspectives and wants from this relationship, which are working against each other. Despite your protests that you don't want a marriage proposal now, you do want confirmation of when it will likely be...that is basically a marriage proposal, or as good as, now. You are planning long-term, settling down...nothing wrong with that but you need to find someone who shares that. I don't think your boyfriend is that person. Be careful not to short change yourself by accepting something you are not happy with.

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I would be inclined to think that to...if he had never spoken about our life in the future. He has said he wants to marry me, have kids blah blah blah. Last year we even had, on occasion, fun jokey chats about what our kids will be like, what dog we'll get, what we'll call him...I don't know if after that he thought about it and got freaked out and that's why he now refuses to even contemplate it. I dunno. I've just been feeling horrible all day because I'm having this internal conflict with myself about whether I should have spoken about it, whether I'm out of line to be asking for some kind of timeline. I don't see it so much as asking for a proposal, though I know what you mean by it.

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Hmm, instead of framing it as definite guarantees of committment to you, perhaps suggest you each write a personal 5 year plan. Be honest and allow him to make his plan as he chooses. Then you'll have something to work with and can see if you can make a relationship work for both of you, whilst also pursuing your own dreams.

 

What do you envisage for the future? What do you want for yourself after uni? Do you have plans to go travelling/working abroad/live with friends? I'm sure you have your own goals, which do not include him, but it doesn't mean your committment to him is any less, yes? Do you think you could accept a relationship like that?

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Hmm, instead of framing it as definite guarantees of committment to you, perhaps suggest you each write a personal 5 year plan. Be honest and allow him to make his plan as he chooses. Then you'll have something to work with and can see if you can make a relationship work for both of you, whilst also pursuing your own dreams.

 

What do you envisage for the future? What do you want for yourself after uni? Do you have plans to go travelling/working abroad/live with friends? I'm sure you have your own goals, which do not include him, but it doesn't mean your committment to him is any less, yes? Do you think you could accept a relationship like that?

 

 

i like that idea. a positive approach. find some common ground. he may be feeling threatened by the concept of committment because it limits his own hopes and dreams (at least in his own mind). you may find that it's a simple misunderstanding. do you know what's really important to him? having a family can put a serious damper on some things. he may regret settling down before he's had a chance to experience other things. the future tends to be a touchy subject for some of us...especially when we're young.

 

it's not an easy situation to deal with...but it won't get any easier. are you willing to spend another 2 or 3 years with someone who won't even discuss the possibility of a future together? i think he should at least be willing to talk about it. take it slow. if you're willing to give a little here...he should be willing to do the same.

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