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I've done what I can; it has to get easier


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Whelp gang, my ex of 9 months came over Saturday night. You're all aware of the situation. We were together almost 2 years, broke up with me for no justifiable reason (telling me she waned to be alone, but quickly entered into other 'relationships'), had been dating someone for the past 3 months but has sinced broken up. blah blah.

 

Anyway, she came over on Saturday which gave me an opportunity to fully express everything that I've wanted to, since we've been apart. I had a bit of a chance when I last saw her on Valentine's day, but being in a bar that evening really didnt give either one of us the time to fully 'talk'.

 

I was able to tell her how her lying to me was really what hurt me, not the break up, itself. We talked about what we didnt like about our relationship and what we did. Honestly, the things she said she didnt like weren't reason to have broken up, IMO. Example: She didnt like that everytime we went out, we were only there for a short while b/c we ended up wanting nothing more than to go home and spend time in bed together. IMO that just symbolizes how much we wanted to be together and that was well into our relationship, not even in the 'honeymoon' stage. And, she didnt like that we spent too much time together. That was it.

 

She told me that she really doesn't know what she truly wants and if we're meant to be together, we will be. I asked her if she had feelings for me still and she said 'at this point, I only want your friendship'....I stopped her right there after that. I finally put my foot down and told her that she ALWAYS says things that are open ended. It's not fair to me. Though she said it wasnt her intent to leave things 'open', she apologized for having done so. This was the same person who 3 weeks prior was telling me that I was the one that go away and if she could do it again, she wouldnt have left me.

 

The recent girl she's been dating has left for 4 months of training. They're not together right now and have agreed to 'do their own thing' for the time being. I asked her if SHE was the one she wanted to work things out with when she gets back and she said, 'yes'. That was all I needed to hear. She asked me what was wrong and I made it very clear that I couldn't and wouldn't be her friend while she figures herself out. She told me that she has no idea what's going to happen with this new person and couldn't understand why I was basing that situation on whether or not I would be her friend.

 

I expressed to her that it's not right, nor fair to me. She agreed that she's unhealthy for me and toxic and, once again, assured me that it's 'not me, it's her'. (typical). She knows that I am not emotionally messed up and that I DO have my stuff together. This person that she wants to work at something with is just the opposite! She's all over the place and emotionally crippled, practically. THAT'S who she wants to be with?? Ok.

 

I looked at her and wished her well. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and if that was the person she wanted to pursue it with, so be it. She looked at me and said that she should go, I agreed. I had said all I could say. I had done all I could do to preserve anything that I thought we had. Etc. She's aware that she has NO idea what she wants or who she wants to be with. At this point, I've exhausted all of my efforts and can't do much more.

 

Though I feel good, I'm still upset. She left saying, 'I'll talk to/see you later'....I haven't contacted her since, nor do I intend to. If someone chooses to be with someone that I truly feel is beneath me, then have at it. I can't follow my heart on this one, I have to keep my dignity. She made her choice. But, this is still hard for me....nothing worse than seeing the person you love choose something that's so less than you... I dont get it!!!!!!!!

 

I want to feel whole again and can't understand how ONE person could be responsible for so much emotional turmoil...

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You spoke and acted very well.You have nothing to be ashamed of..you are an honourable person.I am glad that you can see past her manipulations and the fact that she is not in a state to be even friendworthy. Good on you..be strong and the best of luck..you can do alot better ..tb

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I find this interesting:

She didnt like that everytime we went out, we were only there for a short while b/c we ended up wanting nothing more than to go home and spend time in bed together. IMO that just symbolizes how much we wanted to be together and that was well into our relationship, not even in the 'honeymoon' stage. And, she didnt like that we spent too much time together.

 

She criticizes that aspect of your relationship and then 5 minutes after she breaks up with you she runs to another relationship! So SHE is the needy one here who can't live without having a partner around 24/7!!

 

You will make it through...she sounds really messed up and perhaps it is better that she is out of your life so she can't mess up your mind any further.

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Thanks gang, I appreciate everything you've done for me. I know it seems CRAZY that I would even entertain the idea of wanting to be with this person after everything Ive endured. Truth is, I DO love her and I DO see someone who is just so unsure of herself and whatnot. I have that innate 'nurturer' in me and always tend to be a rescuer. However, Ive finally gotten to the point where enough is enough. I KNOW it's not me and she clearly is the one that's incapable of welcoming a healthy relationship into her life. I have no doubts that this 'new' relationship will inevitably falter, but I can't be around to witness it. I can't be her friend b/c I deserve so much more. I have so many people in my life that enable me to feel so incredibly good about myself. Though I shouldnt need that validation, it's definitely helped to make me feel better, given the broken heart I've been trying so hard to heal.

 

She really has no clue what the hell she wants. When she told me that she was unhealthy for me and 'toxic', all I could do was look at her and say, 'that's sad'..

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Hi Dani

 

Well, what can I say? This is just further validation that you two are a million miles apart on an emototional level. You are a keeper and she is not - simple as.

 

You know what you have to do now - turn and walk away from this unhealthy person. You can do fine on your own and also free yourself up for someone much better. I know it is easier said than done but there comes a time when you get fed up with all the drama - you know?

 

In summary, you sound like a terrific catch, and she does not. Remember how to value yourself - never lose sight of that.

 

Mark

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Thank you, Mark. You're awesome. In fact, you all are. It's very encouraging to know that there are COMPLETE STRANGERS out there that are so incredibly supportive of me and CAN see me for who I am and recognize my worth.

 

Thank you. xo

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Dani - YOU are awesome - never forget that darling.

 

Now the trick is to keep away from her - please try if you can because it will do you no good whatsoever if you keep up interactions with her. I know you already know this but just banging it home!

 

You will be ok - you know this. It is sad that she cannot make the seamingly right decision but as you say, you have exhausted all options - you really have.

 

Take care and keep walking forward - it will get easier.

 

Mark

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I'm walking forward bud. I can finally breathe a little easier BECAUSE I have done all I can. Before, I questioned what else I could do, what went wrong, etc. But, I gave it a go....it's all I could have done.

 

Walking forward....

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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