unresolved feelings won't go away

[pushforward]

8 months broken up. 5 months of NC, almost there! I got cheated on, I got dumped, first love wasn't what I expected it to be.

 

I don't know what to do with these unresolved feelings. Recently came back from Vegas and reminded me of her and our trip there. Still hurting over it, why does everything remind me of her. It's frustrating that it lingers and won't go away. I'm going mad with the thoughts. My inner world feels in shambles, nothing feels right anymore. I can't think straight because my mind's a mess and my heart is broken. I'm doing everything I possibly can to heal, but no relief to be found.

 

I've gotten over my childhood and past, but I'm not over her. I don't need this luggage, yet I can't seem to put it down. It's worse that I've dated a little and I only come accross what I don't like.

 

I'm a really good person and I deserve so much better than this. I wonder how long I'll be in this transitional phase in my life. This by far has been the hardest journey ever. I'm actively searching for answers and not finding what I seek. I'm really sad that things ended this way. I'm passionate about life and can feel this hurt sapping that passion away. I feel dull and my outlook on life is bleak, I force myself to believe I'll get over this. This is temporary and happiness is a choice. I have to live in this moment because I might not have a tomorrow.

 

The future is unknown and I keep looking into the past. I wonder if there is something more to myself I don't understand. I'm trying to be as completely honest as I can and I guess I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. It's sickening that I'm this shook up and that I'm still this hurt.

 

It's really disappointing, the dating world that is. The guys girls like is not me. I feel like I have to be a jerk and not be me to be with somebody. At this point, I don't want to be me anymore. Sick and tired of these feelings. I'm unhappy with who I am and trying to change myself for the better? I don't know where this path is taking me and I'm walking it alone. I know this feeling all too well.

 

Typing this out, I think I finally realized it. I'm starving for love because I never really got it growing up. =/

Self confidence and self esteem issues, bah, why is it so easier to get external validation, rather validate myself.

 

Breakups are tough.

[ratfreak]

You don't have to be a jerk for someone to like/love you.

Not all women want jerks! believe me.

 

You sound like you truly want to be happy and it will come.

 

The dating world is crummy but you have to go throught all the bad people so that when you meet the right one, you'll know they're the good one.

[quirky]

All I can say is that I understand, I recognise all these feelings a lot.. And from a girl's point of view, I promise not all girls like jerks. This might just be a setback, 5 months NC is really good, trust me. And it seems like you've done some good work with yourself