Really confused.

[skimore]

I need some advice.

 

I'm 24 and my boyfriend says has a porn addiction. He told me this after I caught him stashing DVDs in a boardgame after 3 years. I was very, very hurt because he's always been very conservative and told me he doesn't like fake or * * * * ty women and I was his ideal. He told me not to wear mini-skirts and that I should tell him when guys hit on me when I'm working or somewhere alone. He made me throw away my prom pictures because they had other boys in them. He's aware he's very jealous. It doesn't have a "dark" or violent side at all, it's just something he worries about.

 

He said he was sorry at first about hiding a ton of porn in our home, that he understood why I was hurt, and then threw all the DVDs away. 24 hours later, he was a different person. He told me he told all his friends at work the whole story and they said I was overreacting and should get over it and accept it. He yelled at me. He told me I could just leave. He was brutally defensive and hurtful. Then 2 months later I found out he was buying a lot more porn and just hiding it better. I asked him about it and he lied to me, saying there was nothing in the house or in his car. It was in his car, he was just planning on moving it after we talked. It was at that point he told me he was pretty sure he had a diagnosable problem.

 

The problem for me is that he hurt me, told me I was wrong, and then lied to get around me when I was still trying to get over the initial problem. I wonder what else he would justify lying about. It's been almost 6 months since I found out about the problem in general. I worry about him all the time while I'm at work-- I work 2 jobs. He still watches porn a lot while I'm away--he's not working full time. He is willing to seek counseling but says our relationship needs work, not just his personal issue. He also told me the only reason he is willing to go is because I'm really making him. I have lost a lot of weight-- it's not just the stress alone...it's that I feel fat and unattractive. Friends and family have asked me if I'm really alright and the boyfriend is telling me I'm at the point with losing weight that I need help to stop. I appreciate that he notices and is concerned but some days I feel like I would have to have fake boobs to be interesting to him after all that's happened. I have been spending more money on clothing I wear to work. I put on a mask (figurative) when I go in and I think I'm generally well-liked at work--my co-workers ask to hang out outside of work or invite me along on group bar trips. It makes me feel good to pretend nothing's wrong for a few hours and see that people there--on a different level--find me interesting and attractive and generally reasonable to be around.

 

Based on how I feel--fat, cast aside, lied to, unappreciated, expendable, I think I should move out. I feel like I'd be better off alone because even if I only have my cat to home home to, at least being lonely doesn't actively hurt me. My boyfriend has been my best friend for 3 years, and I cried in a leasing office the last time I went to check out solo apartments. I feel like a wreck I'm not someone who has ever behaved this way before. I also worry the only reason we were together for this long and he was my best friend was because I didn't really know who he was??

 

Thank you for reading. I'd really appreciate some advice. I can try to get over this all and go to counseling. The other aspects of our relationship are solid--as we have lived together longer, he tries to help out with cleaning and cooking, asks me about my day at work, and tries to do things for me. I DO see his goodness and it's why I'm confused about to do-- I'm not one of those young women who would bail on a good man and a fairly good relationship that just needed a little work just to go date other people and have fun, OR one of those women who would stay with him for a minute if I thought there was not a whole good half to his character.

 

x

[waveseer]

He is exhibiting the behavior of an addict, the lying and the hiding of his "drug of choice". Either he's willing to admit his problem and seek treatment or you should walk. Addicts have their priorities completely out of order, that's how you can tell.

[winchester3]

Is it the fact that he watches porn, or the fact that he lied to you about it that really burns you? Just because he watches porn doesnt mean that he cares about you any less. If he believs he has a problem with porn addiction then yes he should take care of it for the sake of your relationship.

[peace_lily]

It doesn't really matter why you had an issue with porn. What matters is that you had a serious issue and he disregarded it. This is a red flag.

 

And frankly, I think it is a lousy thing for him to go and say "but my buddies say it's okay and that you're being selfish." His buddies are not in your relationship; you are! Every relationship is different and they have no right to judge you for speaking up for what you believe in and the kind of shared life you want to have with your partner. Who matters more to him, you or the buddies?

 

Sharing the same morals (whatever they happen to be) is a very important part of a relationship.

 

I nearly broke up with my ex over a trust issue related to porn 14 months into our relationship and he cried and begged me to stay so I did because I loved him. 17 months later he broke my heart and hurt me very deeply. Although in some ways I am glad to have had the extra year, I wish I had stood up for what I believed in. This has been the hardest thing for me to get over (not that I loved him and he left) but that I knew better and I chose him over me.

 

 

Your instincts are telling you that his treatment of you is not okay either. Maybe you didn't know who he was, but you did the right thing and trusted him. The fact that he attacked you and let you down is not your fault. You need to trust your instincts that are telling you to get out and choose yourself, no matter how scary it might be.

 

In the end, either you matter more or his habits matter more. It is extremely damaging to the self esteem to stay with someone when you have conflicts about trust and who doesn't respect or agree with your values. I learned this from personal experience.

 

Get out before you do any more damage to your body or your self esteem. The further away from it you are the easier it will be to see that you really are better off. It hurts like hell, but at least you'll have your integrity.

 

Trust is the basis for everything else, so he may be a decent roommate, but that is not enough to stay. I think you should get out and get a therapist on your own.

[skimore]

I am reading about so many, many, many, many people in the EXACT same position.... where they were disregarded as I was... and were hurt by that, as I was, and some who even experienced the same self-doubt and weightloss while their partners continued to spend a lot of money on movies and magazines. It's a selfish behavior but I see it more justified than not in a lot of online forums. I really did feel exactly what you did--trust-shock-trust again-then, absolutely broken hearted. Thrown aside for a DVD.