My first attempt...foiled by my "friends"

[richie_nut]

I'm really disappointed. Two nights ago I tried to overdose on sleeping pills while my friends and flatmates were out clubbing. I locked all the doors, wrote a short note and lay in my bed after downing some pills (don't remember how many). Apparently my mates came home a bit later and were banging on my windows trying to wake me up. Then they called the cops, who broke in along with paramedics. Then I was taken to the emergency department. Ugh.

 

I'm sooo angry at them for causing such a scene when all I wanted to do was relieve them of the burden that is my life - I'm trying to do the right thing by everyone. No one would give a damn if I was gone. That night when they went into town I broke down in tears and walked home by myself. Not ONE of them tried to stop me, even though I was a 23 year old female walking by herself after midnight. They all went on their way to party and only called the cops so they could get back into the house.

 

My friend has made me swear I will not do anything today even though it is so tempting. I'm going into work but whether I will actually work is another thing altogether, as he went in yesterday and told them what happened. So now I have to rehash it all again when it could've all been over and done with by now.

 

I'm going to do it. I thought I had the timing perfect with everyone out of the house but obviously not. I just wish I could stop taking it out on my friends who admittedly have been great and don't deserve anymore of my cr@p. Should try and make my last days mean something. Has anyone ever felt this anger or disappointment when they've been stopped? I'm so confused.

[ButterflyWrists]

sleeping tablets alone is very unlikely to kill you. Have you had therapy, or medication?

Also... Someone out there WILL miss you.

[equinox]

You should read back over that post and see how selfish it sounds.

 

Your friends clearly care enough about you not to let you die. They wouldn't have done that if they didn't care so clearly, your loss would hurt them.

 

You then give out that they let you walk home alone at night. Did you consider how much you may have worried them?

 

You may think that suicide is your choice and won't hurt anyone but you can't really say that. People care about you, care enough to stop you from killing yourself. Also, once it is done, it is done; there are no second chances.

 

I don't want to sound overly harsh there but suicide is not painless, there will be someone left behind that will miss you. Think of them.

[jengh]

Very similar thing happened to me. I had it planned out perfectly. The roommates were supposed to be gone for the night. I put on some music, took a million and one pills (various--sleeping pills, anxiety pills, anti-depressants, everything I could find), drank a lot of alcohol, put on some music...next thing I know I'm in the ER getting my stomach pumped.

 

I'd like to think I lived for a reason. That it wasn't yet my time. The universe works in mysterious ways sometimes. I still have yet to figure out what my purpose is, why i didn't die that night (I was told a million times that I should have)...

 

Keep holding on, just a little longer. Clearly, it wasn't meant to be your time.

[richie_nut]

Thank you so much for all your words.

 

The pills were mixed with a of alcohol plus my anti-depressants. Luckily I didn't need my stomach pumped but was still in hospital. Hated it.

 

I've spoken to my boss and my parents today which has helped immensely so I just hope that as someone said before, it's not my time yet. I'm just so up and down all the time, the other night just seemed like the lowest of the low. Felt like I was just getting in the way of everyone so maybe this has been the wake-up call I need.

 

This isn't the first time I've considered ending it all - just the first time I've tried. Thank you again everyone Things can only get better right?

[equinox]

Thank you so much for all your words.

 

The pills were mixed with a sh!tload of alcohol plus my anti-depressants. Luckily I didn't need my stomach pumped but was still in hospital. Hated it.

 

I've spoken to my boss and my parents today which has helped immensely so I just hope that as someone said before, it's not my time yet. I'm just so up and down all the time, the other night just seemed like the lowest of the low. Felt like I was just getting in the way of everyone so maybe this has been the wake-up call I need.

 

This isn't the first time I've considered ending it all - just the first time I've tried. Thank you again everyone Things can only get better right?

 

 

I've been there and I thought of ending it but like I said, it's a one way trip with no second chances. I found that looking at what you have got as opposed to what you're missing is the best solution.

[AWT]

I just wish I could stop taking it out on my friends who admittedly have been great and don't deserve anymore of my cr@p.

 

What if you had been successful? That would have been nice for your friends to come back to - I've been suicidal in the past but I wouldn't have wanted anyone I cared about to see the immediate aftermath..

[skarlet]

I don't mean to get too personal, but I'm curious why you consider life a burden? It is because of pain? Boredom? Failure?

 

I get mad, sometimes, at people who just want you to live, but then don't even care what's hurting you so much to make you want to die. Not everyone is like that, of course, even those that seem like they are sometimes just don't know how to help. But I do care, about the deeper pain going on, and I know that death can easily seem like a relief.

[evan sebastian]

don't do it! even if you were. you can't just leave like that,without giving your family some reason why. your friends will always come and go, but your family will always be there. I don't know how your relationship is with your family, or if you only have friends that are close to you. Even so, the way you described your friends..... it doesn't sound like they're very good ones in the first place. If they are that selfish that they will only address your problem if it's affecting their good time, then....you know screw um'. You are a person that feels and hurts like everyone else in the world. People like your friends or "friends" might not have as much of a hard time in this area as you, so they can't really understand, unless they're going through the same thing as you. It can be very frustrating, believe me I know. It's a very big world though... There's a lot of very beautiful people out there who are caring and won't pass judgement on you. You may think you're not as good a person as your friends, but that doesn't mean their better people than you are. no one has the right to think they are better and you are beneath them. i don't know how to put things in the best perspective that suits what you are going through. But you are still young and are still finding yourself as a person. It takes time. And everyone is different, you should try to embrace the things that bring you joy or at least make you smile. I love stand up comedy. Hearing someone make fun of life, and make the things i worry about just seem silly. laughter sometimes is a wonderful medicine for the soul. So please don't do something bsd before thinking it through carefully. Life is so precious even though you may not think it right now. A this moment there are people out there who would gladly accept you and enjoyyour company and ideas. You are not alone in this world... You gotta just reach out sometimes.

I dearly hope this helps you. dont forget your family loves you and needs you too. if you ever need to talk i'd glady lend an ear....hang in there.

[waveseer]

I did the sleeping pill method many years ago and luckily I lived. How are you feeling these days?

[richie_nut]

Well I'm feeling a bit better. I'm going for my first counselling session on Monday and have been put on anti-anxiety pills as well as upping my anti-depressants which is making me sleep a lot easier.

 

My friends have been AMAZING. I live with someone I consider my best friend and when I told him how it had hit me how many people I'd hurt he raised an eyebrow and said, "See, why don't you just listen to me?" And I kinda thought yeah, maybe I should. Apparently he spent the whole night in town outside smoking and worrying about me, and I know him and my other friends still do. So I'm trying to prove that I can get through this.

 

I went down south to see my family for a few days and they've been great too, although we did have one very emotional scene where a lot of anger came out. I haven't spoken to my sister since, it's been almost two weeks, and normally we're extremely close. I want to be the one to break the silence but it's hard, she basically spewed out 10 years of resentment in 10 minutes. It's hurt a lot.

 

So things are getting slightly better. I just felt so desperate that night, I don't know what came over me. My friend kept some of the txts I sent him and reading them back it doesn't sound like me at all! I'm crossing my fingers that the counselling helps with some of my self-esteem issues, as that's always been the beginning of the black dog for me.

 

And thanks again everyone...it's amazing how sometimes strangers can be one of the biggest sources of comfort in a time of crisis.

[waveseer]

I appreciate the update and I'm so glad to hear that things are going better for you. Yes, it's wonderful that people can be there for each other in times of crisis. You are welcome here any time, rain or shine.

[Atomicitica]

Everyone thinks they have answers. They'll tell you what NOT to do. But when it comes to solving your problems...they just repeat the same phrases over and over again.

[NightLily]

Everyone thinks they have answers. They'll tell you what NOT to do. But when it comes to solving your problems...they just repeat the same phrases over and over again.

 

I don't think I have answers.

 

richie_nut: I tried the same thing but nobody cared. It is good that you have those people there for you.