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Why do I feel this way and can I get over it?


happydays22

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I met my wife in college - freshman year. We were together until the end of sophomore year. In that time we were each other's everything. I loved her more than anyone - I would have died for her. I was so happy. I treated her like God. We went apartment shopping and had a lease to live together the next year.

 

That summer she deceived, manipulated and cheated on me and subsequently left me for another man - this ugly, dumb Mexican kid with whom she had nothing in common except sex and emotion for. She lied to me about it for 2 weeks. She proceeded to treat him like he was god. The things she did for him she'll never do for me. She dressed up for him, had sex with him 3-4 times a day, took him places, was so over the top girly for him. It pisses me off that he got the best of her. After 8 months of dating him, in which she moved out of the place with me to live with him she wrote me saying I was the one she loved.

 

We got together and I proposed to her - still thinking (and I still do) that she's the love of my life. WE have everything in common, and complement each other wonderfully. However, I'm finding out all this stuff that drives me crazy. I've seen the pictures of them together and read her diary of that time. She was all over him. She slept naked with him, did things sexually for him that she'll never do for me. But, it's the way she acted towards him that really drives me crazy. It's how I want her to act towards me but she never will. He got the best of her and I just get his sloppy seconds. I feel like the sanctity and pureness of our relationship is gone and she ruined it. I hate her for that. All I see is him - everywhere, and her all over him. I just want it out of me head and back to how it was that sophomore year. I loved her so purely then. Now, I know I wouldn't die for her because of how she's treated me. I just wish I could love her like I used to before I knew all this. We have been together a year since and our having a wedding ceremony at the end of this month.

 

What should I do? Will I ever get over this? Thanks!

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She proceeded to treat him like he was god. The things she did for him she'll never do for me. She dressed up for him, had sex with him 3-4 times a day, took him places, w She was all over him. She slept naked with him, did things sexually for him that she'll never do for me. But, it's the way she acted towards him that really drives me crazy. It's how I want her to act towards me but she never will. He got the best of her and I just get his sloppy seconds. I feel like the sanctity and pureness of our relationship is gone and she ruined it.

What should I do? Will I ever get over this? Thanks!

 

i wouldn't get married and i don't think you will ever get over it

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That summer she deceived, manipulated and cheated on me and subsequently left me for another man - this ugly, dumb Mexican kid with whom she had nothing in common except sex and emotion for. She lied to me about it for 2 weeks. She proceeded to treat him like he was god. The things she did for him she'll never do for me. She dressed up for him, had sex with him 3-4 times a day, took him places, was so over the top girly for him. It pisses me off that he got the best of her. After 8 months of dating him, in which she moved out of the place with me to live with him she wrote me saying I was the one she loved.

 

 

The reason why she won't do this stuff for you is because she associates it with her being a lying, cheating, filthy, skank. Now she could not be your wonderful, pure, angelic goddess who you worshiped, if she she was a lying, cheating, filthy, skank right? So which one is she? For the next guy she dumps you for, she will be a lying, cheating, filthy, skank. She will do all those wonderful things to him that your wonderful, pure, angelic goddess would never do for you. She will remain that lying, cheating, filthy, skank until she calls you 8 months later and tells you that she loves you. Then she will naturally revert back to the wonderful, pure, angelic, goddess that you didn't want in the first place. Do you get the picture. If you marry this woman she will spend the rest of your married life going back and forth between you and other men. So my advice is put this into your own words then tell to go and live like a * * * * with someone else. Because you are going to go and find your own hottie that can't wait to do all the things that you wanted from her but that she would only do for the scum she cheated on you with.

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I think the above post makes some sense. She doesn't have a firm identity and feels like instead of meshing her 2 extreme persona's she has to choose. You make her feel like a good person perhaps, so she wants that. That is not the reason to be with someone. She has to work it out and figure out who she is and what she wants. No one should be treated like a God in a relationship. That is dysfunctional. People just have to be treated like human beings, ones that make mistakes etc. Otherwise there is way too much pressure and at some point they will start to lash out. Kind of like someone who is raised to be ultra religious. A life of guilt and pressure for being a human can lead to lashing out later in life. I myself have dated men who have tried to worship me. It gives me the ickiest feeling and wants to make me run as far away as possible. I just want to be normal, I want normal attainable things to be expected from me. Anything else is a lie. When the pressure is taken off of someone, they are allowed to be themselves. That is the only way they can be happy. Isn't that what you want?

 

Purity and sanctity of your relationship? You shouldn't idealize relationships. Relationships are like the humans that make them up, imperfect and changeable. Once you learn to accept that, you can learn to appreciate the truth. Don't live a lie, and don't try to make her live one with you.

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This girl is unstable, whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY HER.

 

The issue isnt the other guy or what she did with the other guy, the issue here is that she randomly out of no where dumped you and ran off with the other guy and did the same to that guy dumped him all of a sudden and comes running back to you.

 

This girl needs drama and wont be happy without it. I know its gonna be hard and she seems like the only woman for you (when she is stable) but its only a matter of time before she flips out on you again.

 

Think of how horrible it would have been if you were married before last summer and had to go through a divorce over that whole mess... thats what you could expect in your future with her.

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Thank you everyone for replying! What you say gives me a lot of perspective. It's also appreciated because I just moved to my fiance's hometown to be with her and don't have many people to turn to here (we went to school near my family so it's a compromise). We are staying at one of her parent's house for free. They have been very nice to me. I believe she and her family are making a considerate effort and I shouldn't turn a blind eye to that.

 

About her leaving: she says it was because she got freaked out that she found the 'love of her life' so early and was afraid of being happy. She said she did all those things for that guy because she was being fake -she was trying very hard to make it work so that running away from me was more successful. But, the letters I've read, what I've seen in her seems different. But her story could be true.

 

We've been together a year and she has been very faithful. She says she's changed and she was just young and self-destructive before. She's even marrying me.. shouldn't that mean something? Shouldn't I take this into consideration? I really think I can trust her now, and that she has changed. I don't think she'll cheat I just don't believe that she loves me more than that guy - she doesn't act like it. I mean, she chose him over me, she preferred it to work with him and when it didn't she subsequently came back to me.

 

I feel like she just strung me along. I don't know what to believe. When she was with him she would lead me on and made me believe she still loved me like before but when I read her diary she explicitly chose him over me in every way. I just can't forget those words or how she treated me. I overheard them having sex and she didn't even bother picking the condoms up when she called me to her room. She was so inconsiderate. She says it's because she was self-destructive and didn't think she would get back with me so she set fire to the fields of our love with no care at all. But, now that she realized she loves me, she is pretty caring.

 

I just don't get why she did all those things for that guy - she got waxed, did her nails, dressed up, wrote crazy diary entries about him... spent every second with him having sex and being emotional, brought him to family occasions (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) when she was never that way with me. And before she left me she told me she hated this guy and could never be with him (she found him unattractive) and the next thing I know she's crazy in love and ditching me for him.

 

I was very good to her too, I was there for her when she broke her arm every second of the way. I just can't get over them being together. But, she hasn't cheated since and she has been loving towards me. The only thing that is in our way is this history.

 

She was very impulsive and said she was, but she says she's not anymore... and so far, she hasn't done anything to make me believe she's lying. It's been a year...

 

Thanks again and sorry for the rant....any input would be appreciated! Thank you.

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Now you feel like you got cheated in the deal. You thought that when she said "you were the one she loved" That that meant that she was going to give you the same kind of treatment the POSOM got. Well my friend. You did get cheated. Twice. Once when she screwed the other guy 3 to 4 times a day for 8 months doing every nasty thing he wanted. And then once when she came back to you, got you to marry her and then wouldn,t do any of the things that she did with him. Thus making you feel less worthy of her sexual attention and exploration. You are exactly right in feeling like you do.

 

I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME HER BEFORE YOU MARRIED HER. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DO NOT MARRY HER. OMG. YOU HAVE DODGED A BULLET IN A MAJOR WAY. IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MARRYING HER AND CUTTING OFF ONE OF MY FINGERS WITHOUT ANESTHETIC. AND I HAD TO CHOOSE ONE. I WOULD CUT OFF MY FINGER WITHOUT THE ANESTHETIC AND TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE. WHY? BECAUSE THE PAIN OF LOSING THAT FINGER WILL GO AWAY. WHERE AS THE PAIN OF MARRYING THAT WOMAN WOULD BE WITH YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I SINCERELY HOPE THAT I HAVE NOT UNDER EMPHASIZED MY FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR SITUATION.

 

YOU NEED TO CALL HER UP NOW, AND TELL HER THAT YOU HAVE NOT JUST HAD SECOND THOUGHTS BUT THAT YOU ARE CONVINCED BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU WOULD EVER MAKE IN YOUR LIFE. TELL HER THAT YOU HAVE COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT WHAT SHE DID TO YOU WITH HER MEXICAN IS UNFORGIVABLE. AND THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LOOK AT HER. WITHOUT HATING HER FOR WHAT SHE DID WITH HIM. ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WOULD NEVER DO THE SAME THINGS WITH YOU. OR WANT TO DO THE SAME THINGS WITH YOU. THUS MAKING YOU FEEL (ACCURATELY I MIGHT ADD) LIKE YOU GOT THE SLOPPY SECONDS.

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are you even reading what you are writing? I am begging you not to do this.

 

Let me give you a scenario. 5 years from now, after you have a child, she starts to become distant. She starts having unaccounted for time away from you. And your son. She starts painting her nails and dressing nicer then usual. But only when she goes out. She leaves the room to make phone calls. She texts constantly. You ask her who she is communicating with. She tells you it's just a friend. You ask her if you could meet this friend. She says sure sometime. But it never happens. She becomes more and more distant over the next month. Then one day she slips up and leaves the computer up with her email site open. You can't control your curiosity. So you check it out. You find 150 emails between her and a guy named antonio. When you open it up you find pictures of her with some guy having sex. You are completely crushed. Your heart is broken. When she gets home, you confront her. She screams at you for invading her privacy. You are racked with tears and pain. You tell her she must never speak to or see this man again. She says she won't do that. She says "i love him." now here comes the familiar part. She says "i got married too young" she tells you that you have not met her needs and that she loves you but that she is not in love with you. She says "i need time to figure this out"

 

over the next 3 months she is in and out of your life. When she comes home and you take her car to get the tires changed you drop the keys on the floor of the car. Bending down to find them, you look under the seat of the car and see 3 used condoms on the floor. You collapse in despair. You confront her again and she says "i am sorry but he does things to me that you don't. He makes me feel good in ways you never could. And on it goes. For 6 months until you can't take it anymore. You decide to take your son and leave. You have contacted a lawyer. And you file. All of a sudden she has a change of heart. She says she loves you and that she just went crazy for a while. She cleans up her act and things return to normal. But the sex slows and then completely stops after 3 months. And then all of the signs start again. And you think you are going to go insane.

 

after reading this little story. Can you picture her doing this? You need to turn away and run as fast and as far as you can. If you don't 5 years from now you will be back here again. Don't do this to yourself.

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Based upon what you said. You would hear her having sex. She would then call you to her room and you would see the used condoms on the floor. You my friend are what is commonly called a CUCKOLD. You have a woman who enjoys watching your reaction when she screws other men. She enjoys seeing the despair in your eyes. She let you read her diary. She did every nasty thing she could think of with this guy. Things she will never do with you. That is part of the cuckold life. The next time this happens she will probably plan it so you can actually catch her in the act. Please google the word cuckold and see if it describes how she acted towards you when she was with this guy.

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Man, you have to realize, you are just her port during a storm, her home base, her safety net... she was probably dumped by this guy for a new model, and came back to you with some lie about her coming to her senses. Women tend to not respect men who put them on a pedestal. It screams 'doormat' to them.

 

Think on this: You train people in how they treat you. And you have rewarded her behavior. Look up 'Operant Conditioning' sometime. You are training her to cheat on you. She is training you to accept this behavior from her.

 

But, then, what do we know? Her leaving you for this guy was a 'Mistake'. The fact that she won't offer you the parts of her she freely gave him shows her deep respect for you and your relationship. She says she will never do it again, and she is such an honest person what she says is OBVIOUSLY the truth. So yah, good luck with that marriage there. Just remember to get a paternity test whenever you have kids. And keep a divorce lawyer on speed dial.

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Go get yourself some counselling and stop believing that your life cannot be happy without her. facts are you sure arent happy with her. you will be likely to never heal fully from her betrayal and from what ive read she has done little to reassure you in any sort of mature genuine way. She plays with words like she does other men....Start thinking with YOUR head and not your emotions. take some time for yourself to rediscover what you really need.. and stop focusing on the fear of what you are losing because trust me over time and with some positive thinking and hard decisions you will eventually see one day that you are being played by a women who clearly is emotionally unstable..manipulative and a bunch of other things that are destroying you on the inside.....I know you love her but what are these wonderful qualities that you love becasue I fail to see them.......take of your glasses and refocus.....I wish you the best

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If you marry this woman she will spend the rest of your married life going back and forth between you and other men. So my advice is put this into your own words then tell to go and live like a * * * * with someone else. Because you are going to go and find your own hottie that can't wait to do all the things that you wanted from her but that she would only do for the scum she cheated on you with.

 

That's what I was thinking too. Well said!

 

The OP needs to learn to forget EVERY LAST WORD SHE'S SAID and judge her by her actions, which is to say, she had another guys penis in her. That's all you need to know. NEXT!

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Don't marry her. She doesn't repspect you. Don't be her door mat. You're the fall back guy, and it will more than likely happen again. You probably won't get over it. The thoughts and doubting will become more prevalent...then next thing you know, you've turned into a different person.

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It doesn't matter if she's being sincere *now* or that you can trust her *now* or that SHE loves YOU. You don't talk about her with love, respect or admiration. That's a big, red flag and it doesn't matter an ounce that she's "willing to marry you" after all of this......are YOU willing to marry HER?? Do YOU love and respect and trust HER? She is not a god and does not have all the power. I'm all for putting the past in the past and letting things heal, moving forward, etc. etc. But, you have NOT healed and should not get married in this state. See first if you can really actually forgive her. Marrying someone who you think is " * * * * ty and skanky" or whatever you said is just not right. You should be at the altar knowing that you are about to enter into a sacred commitment with someone you love, appreciate, admire and respect. You haven't said one thing about her to indicate that you love her, respect her or admire her. It sounds like you have a strong under-current of anger towards her and until it's worked out, you should not go ahead with marriage.

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She proceeded to treat him like he was god. The things she did for him she'll never do for me. She dressed up for him, had sex with him 3-4 times a day, took him places, was so over the top girly for him. It pisses me off that he got the best of her. After 8 months of dating him, in which she moved out of the place with me to live with him she wrote me saying I was the one she loved. All of these words you wrote. You sound devasted by this women. As a women please tell me what it is about this women that allows your mind body and spirit to let her tell you all of this stuff and you listen. You sound like a good man that deserves something that she cannot give you her heart, her trust. this women is playing mind games trust me when I tell you I know. i have been cheated on. You truly need to leave her completely alone. she will cheat again maybe not with that guy but with some guy. Why take your heart threw that. Run

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