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No contact - finding it very hard


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Hi, ive not had any contact with my ex since wednesday when she called me out of the blue after not talking for a week (we have only been broken up 5 weeks). I know Wednesday to Sunday and the other week is not long but this feels like an eternity.


It all started when she called me out of the blue to see how my Dr's checkup was, this was after i hadnt contacted her as per her request. I couldnt help but ask if her decision was final, she said that she doesnt think that it would work, if its meant to be then will be together but as of now she is happy as she is and she told me there was another guy (now 2) asking her out at work but as of now she is happy on her own but if she does want someone its because she wants to be happy and not for a rebound. She then ran out of credit and then i said i could call her back later, then she said "dont call me, i need space".


I got really pissed off that it was all on her terms and decided that was it. I got even more pissed off at myself for acting such a goon and asking again, i know it pushes her away but i cant help it.


Then on the friday she sent me 5 or 6 texts, missed calls (i had turned my phone off), then the last one saying she had tried calling, hoped my checkup was ok and to get better soon. I've not heard anything since. I didnt reply to any, when she is calling me i feel like ive got the upper hand and that helps me a little to try and move on.


Although i want closure and to move on part of me is hoping that she is genuinly concerned for me and deep down still cares. But i suspect this is not the case and this is what hurts... it hurts to move on but i know i have no choice.


Despite all the hurt she has caused me, i am worried that not replying to her will upset her. But i dont want to eat out of her hand. I know this is a bit sad but i even read on these "Get your ex back sites" that you should give space, ignore them, and then at some point out of the blue just come out with (as saw on the site):


"Want to tell you that you were right about the breakup...I guess we do need space. Amazingly something wonderful happened recently...I guess when things happen they happen for a reason...You know what?"


Theory is she will start thinking about me again, at least i will be in her head and she will wonder what has happened and then come back and ask. If anything i just want revenge for the games she has played with my head... im totally destroyed man. Ive prety much accepted its over, so i would be willing to try the above experiment... do you reckon it could get her interested in me... do you reckon ignoring her could actually help make her realise?


How sad is it that im concerned about upsetting the person who hurt me the most because i didnt reply when they did the same thing to me!


Before when i was dumped by my first girlfriend i really did move on and found a different girl, after about 3 or 4 months when my ex found out she came running back wanting to get back together!! But i dont think my new ex will do that, unless everyone thinks the same?


Ill post my story below also... sorry is a little long but may be important for the above or not.


The full story is that I was with my girlfriend for the past 2.5 years. She has a son from a man who left her after saying he was divorced when he was actually still married and his family were abroad. Her son is 3 years old. I love both of them, both her and her son, i consider him as my own son and he even calls me Dad.


About a month ago out of the blue she said she didnt love me anymore, and hadnt done so for about 6 months. She didnt give any reasons. The reason she didnt end it back then was that she felt guilty as she could see how much i love her son.


The night she told me she didnt love me anymore i got drunk and then called her back and said some very nasty and untrue things becuase i felt sorry formyself and wanted to push her away from me. Infact i felt sorry because I had broke my wrist and after 3 ops still not fixed, lost my job, my employers tried to blackmail me and then my girlfriend dumped me. I felt crap. I now know it was all selfpity and will never do that again or try and hurt myself because i regret what i said so much.


To be honest i was in a state of shock for 2 weeks and ignored her, went out, did my own thing, during that time should would text me most nights to come back home... then she stopped texting. I then realised how much she and her son mean to me and how i had been feeling sorry for myself and then tried to fix things, but by that time she said it was too late becuase of the things i said. Then i found out there is another guy at her work courting her and giving her chocolate and flowers, and he told her that he loves her even though hes only known her for 2 months. I was devastated. Ive since found my phone i lent her and she was entertaining this guy and taking many phone calls from him since early January... although she didnt sleep with him in someways i feel a little cheated but thats not really important.


I think the reason she fell out of love with me was my moods. I now realise getting upset and moody for things that cannot be changed doesnt help anybody. I have changed already, i know i have as i know if i dont i will end up lonely, and i feel great for being more relaxed and taking a deep breath instead of getting anoyed. I still have a way to go but i am a different person in terms of my outlook on life.


2 weeks before i started no contact ive really tried, ive proven to her as much as time will allow that i have changed, written apolagy letter with flowers about things i said, reminded her of happy times (the relationship wasnt all bad we had a lot of good times), i tried to prove to her how much her and her son mean to me.


She said she needs space, she said she is confused about the other guy as she likes him. The problem is because i was complacent and didnt show how much i cared for her this new guy has came along and given her chocolates and flowers and she thinks hes great. Infact i found out that he was courting her whilst we were still together. He makes me angry and even more upset but i have myself to blame since i didnt give her those things or the attention she craved. She didnt however tell me there was a problem or how i can help her.


Ive asked for a 2nd chance, i know with my new attitude we can have a great relationship and for the sake of the child who calls me dad. She said she doesnt want to choose between me or that other guy, its so hard since she would rather be with that guy (she told her friends she doesnt love me but finds that guy a real gentleman). I thtink she still cares for me as when she read one of my letters saying that i changed and want to look after her and her son for the rest of my life and get married she started crying and hugging me, i think she still cares a little.


Besides it is a real shame as the kid will suffer, im basically his dad, im suffering because not only have i lost one person i lost two. My heart is in pieces, i have flown back to the UK for a couple of weeks and giving her space but i already fear she wants that guy (from what her friends are saying but her friends think hes a slime ball also) it just sucks she prefers to be with someone shes known for 2 months instead of my relationship of 3 years, and whilst i dont like to list her son as a reason he will also be badly hurt in all of this. I know i can make her happy, but shes not willing to give me a chance.


I wont be second best to this guy and despite all ive done and offered her now i realise what they mean to me, then she is not the girl for me if she would throw that all away for this other guy.


It is hard, ive been crying a lot (cant help it), im up and down like a roller coaster. Im trying to move on, even though she said she will think about what she wants and let me know (im even giving up hope that she will give another chance) im already moving on with my life and each time i cry i can feel myself loving her less and less.


It is most galling as i know if this other guy wasnt around perhaps it would be easier for me to get a retry, but since he said he loves her shes so flattered. Worst of all the guy is highly suspect and all her friends (not me) reckon she is getting played. Further more am i not alone in thinking is it too soon to date after this relationship? I know i couldnt it would just be rebounding. I worry for the kid who will see lots of blokes coming in and out of her life, it is a shame as i already have a very strong bond with him and i know i can make her very happy now i am a happier person. Dont get me wrong the relationship wasnt all that bad, we had some great times and made a great family and even both of us have agreed that but for some reason she is concentrating on the negative stuff as she seems determined to get rid of me.


Sorry for typing so much, ive never been this sad before from a break-up this is by far the worst especially as kids are involved that i also love very much. I feel a little better for getting it off my chest, thanks for listening.



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Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad.Breakups are not easy as i am going through one myself. Your ex seems to be very flattered by this guys gestures. Relationships do not come down to flowers, chocolates. These are not imortant altho to some girls it is. She is also giving you alot of information, too much actually, sounds to me like she is trying to make you extremely jealous. Very difficult when children are involved. Hope this helps.

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Yeah its really bad. I looked at pictures of me and the kid just now, i started crying so much. But everytime i cry it feels like a piece of her has left me, i guess this is what i need to move on and let it come out by itself. But i hope it will stop soon because this has been over 3 weeks of feeling upset.


You know what? Im really starting to hate her for how she has destroyed my feelings and she is happy in her own little world asking me to "be strong", "move on", "become a milionaire". She can go and take a jump, she is patronising and i dont want her sympathy. I will be a stronger person for the kicking she has given me and i will be so sucessfulll, i cant wait till the day i drive past in my Ferrari to pick the little boy so he can see his Dada.


I still want to see the kid, its not his fault all this has happened and he still loves me. I dont want him to feel hurt the way i have felt. I cant let the kid go but I promise you i can let her go and its good because now i am getting really angry its becoming easier and im not thinking of the good things anymore just the bad.


What do you make of her actions? Why is she calling me? Why is it on her terms (she feels she can call whenever she likes)? Why is she trying to make me jealous? Am i doing the right thing in ignoring her? I hope its screwing with her head but i very much doubt it. She hasnt got a clue... one day i hope she realises that all relationships have their challenges and i wasnt such a bad bloke (especially now i realise and have learnt my lesson on how to treat partners and continually work at a relationship). Her loss mate. Her loss and unfortunate the poor lovely kid has been caught in the middle.


Its people like you, and even though its online, that are helping me get through this. It feels good to tell the world my story and im not ashamed of being upset i for sure dont want to go through all this again. God bless you and thank you so much.

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Good luck feel for you. I have not long broken up with a girl with kids, the lad thought the world of me, we were like mates. He had never had a father figure, he even told her to tell me he loved me , when we were together. But when we finished it didnt seem to make a slight bit of diffrence how it may have hurt him. we finished twice just because she felt the need, and whenwe got back togeter she said t th kids i would be moving in at some point, which they were more than happy with. Its one point of anger with her that helpes me get through this, that she could turn their feelings inside out twice for no reason.

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How old are you mate? I'm 28, and ive never had my guts ripped out like this. The little boy is only 3, the only bloke hes ever known is me... now he is very likely to get utterly confused with lots of blokes coming in and out of her life with the majority only after one thing. I'm most angry im not even given a second chance and she is messing around with this other Filipino mug before im even fully off the scene. Poor little kid. Makes you wonder doesnt it?


Why did you guys split? She didnt tell me, all she said was "she fell out of love" but didnt give a reson. B$ mate, i still feel like a tank shell has gone off next to my head and im a bit dazed and confused. I just hope me ignoring her is getting a little pay back, at least i feel like i have the upper hand.


Did you play it cool the 1st time you split? How long were you apart for?

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I am going through the same thing, Im only 22 though and no kids involved, which makes it harder for you, but same scenerio...


We dated for 2 years everything was good then one day she told me she didnt love me anymore, or the same way and hadnt for 6 months but didnt know how to tell me...


I did the typical lets talk it out be friends whatever and she never reacted, still kept seeing this other guy...


As soon as I stopped talking to her and went NC with her she suddenly started calling me all the time and telling me she didnt like this guy as much, and her feelings for me are coming back, but I feel she could just be saying that cause she thinks its what I want to hear...


Now shes always trying to talk to me and i occasionally talk back, but now I dont even know if I want that anymore...


Just keep busy, it will get better in time....

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If you stick to NC and it pushes her away then good you win in the long run anyway cause she didnt really love you.


If she comes back then now its your choice if you want it..


I wouldnt say I "won" yet, shes just talking to me more, but still not sure what she wants, and I'm not completely sure i dont want her so im still in the struggle...


I don't believe in getting right back together either, even if she comes back I would say ok lets make it work, i would just say lets hang out and whatever happens happens, still give her her space to grow and mature..


I don't know I'm rambling too, I'm obviously still a little broken up over my situation too

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Or perhaps i play that little mind games to get her interested, not total NC but play it icy cold? It is a tough call cos like a sucker i know i would jump to go back with her even if she hurt me so bad, but i dont want her to know that. Maybe ill give it a few days....



* * * as i was typing this she rang!! OMG i cant answer it mate. At least my stomach didnt churn like last time.

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Think she is calling you because she wants to keep her options open, she is probably very aware that she has let a good thing go, there are not very men out there that would date a girl with a child or children. You are right to feel angry, you will go through every feeling and emotion.

I am sure you have went through everything in you head, what if? She has hurt you very badly, people dont realise that when they treat people like this it actually makes it harder to meet someone and actually TRUST again.They dont realise what damage they are doing to peoples confidence, self esteem and self worth!!!

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To be honest i really want to answer her calls. It upsets me at the thought of her getting upset with me for not replying. However this is for my own good, i know as soon as i answer i will go back to square one. Everytime it rings im hoping that she will ask for another chance, however i know she is not calling about that, she is just checking on me to see if im ok. Thats not on, she doesnt have the right to do that anymore and my friends certainly dont do that either.


She wanted space, i will give her space. Hopefully in this void she can sit down and look at the pictures and digest what i said and work out why she finds it necessary to keep trying to make contact when i have blatently snubbed her.


From everything i have read online they say No Contact is the only way to win someone back, but i dont know how long to leave it or do i need to leave it until she, if ever (unlikely) came back and started to grovel?

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Now she emailed me and is asking about my wrist, she hopes im ok, shes praying for me etc etc. She even said she "tried calling me last 2-3 times to know the status of my wrist".... she must know im ignoring her?


I dont want her sympathy, im strong enough to deal with this breakup and medical issues on my own and when she continually asks me to be strong and pray for me it is starting to p1$$ me off im not a kid and can deal with it.


I am not sure if i want her back or not, yes and no, but im not sure i could ever be with someone that hurt me so much and has destroyed my trust in other people! I dont know what she is playing at... if she knows i am ignoring her and giving her space like she asked why doesnt she keep quiet herself?


I dont want to be rude (i am not a rude person), but i know if i reply and say i am doing ok i will feel cr@p again because deep inside i will still hope for a reply and to be honest i am still red raw!


Any ideas?

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