Need help - Really not sure what to do...

[Jentos]

There is so much information to get accross in hopes of receiving some quality advice, this may not be the best format for relaying this info, but hopefully someone can work with me.

 

I'm 21, my fiancee is 24.

 

She has a three year old son from a previous relationship, who I absolutely love (Which is part of why this is so difficult).

 

We moved in together around nine months ago. This was very hard for me as I was a full-time college student, had never worked, paid my own bills, lived on my own or with a child. It was a rough transition, but I feel much better these days due to managing my own responsibilities, etc.

 

She shares custody with the child's father, he only stays with us 50% of the week, we make the most out of our time with him and we're normally a pretty happy family.

 

About five months ago she lost her job, she fell in to a bit of a rut and has been unable to find anything since. (Part of it is a general unhappiness, maybe even depression - but most is just laziness). At one point I even offered a job at my work - which she didn't take. I did understand her not wanting to work there, it could obviously be awkward, but with the current economy... work is work, I think.

 

She has also dropped the ball on her household duties. Even after I work eight, nine, ten hour days, I come home, walk the dog, help out with her son, help make dinner, do the dishes, etc. I have no problem with that, I think we're equals and I like to act as such. Unfortunately, there have been repeated cases where I'll ask her to do something (sometimes days in advance) and it will never get done. She usually blames a headache and/or her son.

 

We have been barely scraping by mainly due to her unemployment checks, which run out at the end of the month. Even when she worked part-time (20hrs a week @ minimum wage) we were doing okay, but it's at a point now where i'm sometimes borrowing money from my mother just to buy groceries (Which is incredibly embarrassing, and makes me feel horrible).

 

I love my fiancee, I really do, but I don't feel like she's going to grow up, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. When I voice these concerns she starts to try to turn it into her being the victim, like everyone is out to get her, I never know how to handle that.

 

I'm considering moving out, but I don't know what to do, I don't know where she can go... Her father hasn't been in the country for years, and her mom despises her (she took advantage of her mom, a lot). I just constantly get this image of her and her son on the street or something, and I can't handle it...

 

Is this normal? Is it just something I'm going to have to cut and run on? I don't like fighting with her (it happens a lot these days) and I hate fighting in front of her son... I don't want him growing up believing that's how relationships are.

 

I'm just at a loss.

 

I really don't know what else to write, even though there is so much more to put down... It's just flooding my mind at the moment.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or comments, even questions, that would be great.

 

I understand people have cycles, fall in ruts, etc, but when it's at a point where it's going to drag me down (falling in to debt, etc) I don't know if holding out for love is really worth it...

[top bloke]

Have you asked her why? Have you had a talk about the problem? Maybe she has depreepssion? If so shell need your support.If she is ok mentally then she may be using you. In this case you need to understand that she is using you. I think you need to see if she is mentally ok first. Then eliminate the other possibilities.

[SayWhen]

Personally, to me it sounds like she is genuinely depressed. There was a reason for the depression to be triggered (losing her job), and symptoms eventually were presented, such as losing motivation and energy, and being irritable. I don't really believe that she is using you...at least not from reading what you wrote. Depression can be serious, and you need to talk to her further to find out how she is feeling about everything. I know you are frustrated...but things really could look up for you if she can get out of this "rut." She needs you right now, and you should probably find out what you could do to make her and your relationship flourish instead of die because of something that could so easily be remedied. Again, I know it's frustrating...but talk to her. There's hope.

 

Good luck!

[ellandroader]

Personally, to me it sounds like she is genuinely depressed. There was a reason for the depression to be triggered (losing her job), and symptoms eventually were presented, such as losing motivation and energy, and being irritable. I don't really believe that she is using you...at least not from reading what you wrote. Depression can be serious, and you need to talk to her further to find out how she is feeling about everything. I know you are frustrated...but things really could look up for you if she can get out of this "rut." She needs you right now, and you should probably find out what you could do to make her and your relationship flourish instead of die because of something that could so easily be remedied. Again, I know it's frustrating...but talk to her. There's hope.

 

Good luck!

 

This poster said everything I wanted to. Sit her down and have a heart to heart. She does need you right now (so does the child) more than ever and these times are the true test of a relationship.

 

All the best.

[Jentos]

Thank you for the help so far.

 

About having a heart to heart with her, I had attempted that with her, it turned in to another fight.

I explained I was there for her, I would help her in whatever way possible, and in an ideal world we could afford to make things work and have her be at home and spend more time with her son, but it wasn't what we agreed upon when we decided to move out, and it's unfair to me.

 

She didn't take it very well. She instead started to go hysterical, she said that she has messed up jobs on purpose in the past so she could spend more time with her son... she feared he would love his dad more because they spent more actual time together (This is hard for me to accept, as I grew up with a single mother who worked two jobs to make sure I had everything I needed). She said that she has used her son as an excuse for laziness, which really irritated.

 

When I asked her what she would do if I did leave, she told me she would continue to live there, she would get multiple minimum wage jobs and make it work, because she loves the place. This made absolutely no sense to me... That she would put that kind of effort in to it, after losing me.

 

I honestly feel I've been too easy on her in the past, maybe even enabling her to act this way. When she lived with her mother, her mother was always so hard on her that she actually tried to find work, just to get out of the house. (I'm not saying I should scream and belittle her in an attempt to get her scared in to work, but yeah).

 

It's increasingly difficult to talk to her, which is why I have told her several times that if she wanted to talk to someone else, like a counselor or something, I would find a way for us to afford it, because it's important for me to understand what's really going on. She always tells me she'll be fine and it's just a 'cycle'.

[top bloke]

This girl is highly likely suffering with ptsd. Post traumatic stress disorder. I think the past failed relationship has made her feel like she is going to lose her son. She is reliving a past fear . Losing her job was the trigger.

She needs counselling and needs you to be even more patient. This doesnt sound like a bad person but likely a sick one.

If you love her your going to have to be supportive because she will be irrational until she gets help. So dont take it personally..

[skimore]

I feel like there certainly could be real depression for her-- like some have said, losing a job, the terrible economy, or the feeling of failure could induce that. There's very serious depression in my family, and it makes people say and do things they don't mean--it changes people and hurts those who are around, but if your fiancee is going to be able to bounce back from this, perhaps it's worth considering as...not an excuse...but a reason? If it were temporary, it could be a reason you look back and regret leaving if you were to do so. Symptoms of depression can include irritability, exhaustion, mood swings, changes in appetite/sleep habits, and obviously, sexual side effects. You don't have to let everything go, but your fiancee might need you to be the strongest person you can to help her through this, and hopefully not hold it against her, though if she does bounce back and you stay together, she'll owe you!

 

It seems like you're a dreamboat to have done what you have so far and hung in there. Still more so to look for advice and consider what to do rather than just bail. In my opinion, you need to be able to justify your decision 100% to be able to look back and have no real regrets about leaving. Use the next few weeks (or months, your choice) to decide if your fiancee is willing to recognize that there is a difference in her, if she is willing to look into counseling (she can do it 1. for free and 2. by herself in many cities--there are free support groups that meet once a week or once a month) if she's willing to work with you and look into help/support/change, there's hope.