Girlfriend's Sexual History Causing Problems For Me

[DeadHead1981]

So, admittedly this is my first time posting to the forum - so please bear with me. I am desperate for some help and hoping someone out there has some advice that will resonate.

 

Though the subject heading pretty much says it all, I'm having some real hangups about my girlfriend's sexual past...and, perhaps more specifically, that it continues to come up without me prompting it. While I wasn't raised in a conservative manner, I was always led to believe that sex was between two people who, at the very least, cared for one another. I am not a big believer in one night stands or drunken hookups, and it seems as though she's had her share of both. Though I don't know the exact number of people she's been with (haven't asked, and quite frankly, don't want to know), she's already volunteered more info than I would care to hear.

 

We've discussed it and I have voiced my issue, but she simply says the past is the past and shouldn't matter at all. The real problem though: she still talks to many of these people that she's had sexual relations with! Though she contends that they aren't technically ex-boyfriends (and therefore it shouldn't matter), it's very frustrating that we can rarely have a week together without her getting a phone call, text message, or bumping into someone.

 

I trust her completely so it's not a question of infidelity, and everything else in our relationship is great...literally great. But I'm not sure I can ever turn the corner with this.

 

All suggestions welcome. Again, I'm desperate.

[Sunny1607307996]

She's being completely transparent with you. Without going back in time and un-sleeping with people or cutting people out of her life (which, correct me if I'm mistaken, sound like they are merely acquaintences....just that she's had a lot of acquaintences...) what exactly do you propose that she do?

 

She can't change the past. She can cut these people out of her life, but is that really fair if she has no history of cheating and you trust her, as you say you do?

 

If you simply want her to stop voicing tidbits of her sexual past, then by all means I think it's a fair request. Otherwise, you're going to need to forgive and forget her past.

[Binoo]

Hmm...well, personally, I don't feel threatened by past sexual history of my partner. She's with you now and that's all that matters. You said you don't worry about her cheating.

I would be a bit concerned with the phone calls and things but...are they friends of hers? What I mean is, has she established any actual friendly relationship with them or are they still people she would see as hook ups and nothing more?

[DeadHead1981]

What I mean is, has she established any actual friendly relationship with them or are they still people she would see as hook ups and nothing more?

 

Well, both, actually. People that she considers friends (and I am more comfortable with that) and few one-night-stands and casual dates that she never sees (yes, they still call and text her randomly).

 

And to answer the previous posting...there is some infidelity in the past. Though I do understand some extenuating circumstances surrounding it, I continuously wonder if I should view it as yet another red flag.

 

And I suppose, more than anything, is the greater picture. There are a lot of warning signs in this relationship, but they are all based on past. Am I an idiot to ignore them, or should I believe people can change?

[My Advice]

she is talking to friends and I think you are overreacting. What do you want? She is being so candid I think it is admirable.

[Sunny1607307996]

She has been unfaithful to you, specifically? Or do you know she's simply been unfaithful in the past?

 

If she's been unfaithful to you, and she still talks to potential sexual partners (with whom she has cheated on you in the past/would potentially cheat on you with) then by all means this is a huge red flag and you should seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

 

If you simply know of her infidility with past partners but she's been faithful to you, then again, it's all in the past. Nobody is perfect and everybody has a past.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can't change her past. However it sounds like you have different values regarding relationships...she sees sex as just sex and that is why she can't understand why it would bother you to mention her ex's and to communicate with them. You see sex as a more meaningful connection. If your issue is that you imagine her having had sex with those guys and that is what is causing you pain then realize that the sex with those guys was meaningless compared to having sex with you..someone she cares about. If however, it is more of the values issue that is giving you pause for thought then there is not much you can do except accept that in this regard your values don't mesh and decide whether or not this is a deal breaker.

[Llama Dancer]

I agree with Dogs. It sounds as though your value system is quite different than hers. It doesn't make you right and her wrong but it might prove to be a deal-breaker in time. I would suggest taking an honest look as to where you see yourself in ten years. I might have some insight on handling this type of drama. How long have you been together? How old is your lady?

[DeadHead1981]

I agree with Dogs. It sounds as though your value system is quite different than hers. How long have you been together? How old is your lady?

 

Funny that you both mentioned the idea of a value system - I've expressed a very similar statement to her, noting your exact sentiment: it's not a question of one being right or wrong, just different. She still thinks I'm judging her, but I'm trying hard not to come accross that way.

 

She is 29, I am 27. We have been together 8 months.

[Llama Dancer]

Funny that you both mentioned the idea of a value system - I've expressed a very similar statement to her, noting your exact sentiment: it's not a question of one being right or wrong, just different. She still thinks I'm judging her, but I'm trying hard not to come accross that way.

 

She is 29, I am 27. We have been together 8 months.

 

OK, that's not a big age difference so in my mind, that makes it a little easier. A friend dating a much younger woman went through a similar situation. There was too much of a difference in their maturity levels due to that.

 

Are the ex's constant friends in her life or people just popping in and out? How early did this start in the relationship?

[DeadHead1981]

Are the ex's constant friends in her life or people just popping in and out? How early did this start in the relationship?

 

Well...both, actually. As I noted in an earlier post, the constant "friends" I have an easier time dealing with, it's the stragglers I have a problem with.

 

And it's, unfortunately, been pretty constant from the beginning. Although I didn't realize until about two months ago how many of these people she had actually been with.

[Llama Dancer]

Funny that you both mentioned the idea of a value system - I've expressed a very similar statement to her, noting your exact sentiment: it's not a question of one being right or wrong, just different. She still thinks I'm judging her, but I'm trying hard not to come accross that way.

 

She is 29, I am 27. We have been together 8 months.

 

From what you are saying, it is not an issue of judgment: it's an issue of compatibility. You seem to be honestly communicating with her regarding the nature of your concerns.

 

Put another way, if you were to marry, how would you want to raise your son or daughter?

 

How is her relationship with her father?

[Llama Dancer]

Well...both, actually. As I noted in an earlier post, the constant "friends" I have an easier time dealing with, it's the stragglers I have a problem with.

 

And it's, unfortunately, been pretty constant from the beginning. Although I didn't realize until about two months ago how many of these people she had actually been with.

 

That can't be easy. Does she maintain contact with her "stragglers" or are they only pursuing her?

[DeadHead1981]

I would want to raise a child more in the mold I was accustomed to. As far as her father is concerned, they have a pretty standard father-daughter relationship.

 

As far as maintaining contact - she does, although at an arm's length.

[Llama Dancer]

I would want to raise a child more in the mold I was accustomed to. As far as her father is concerned, they have a pretty standard father-daughter relationship.

 

As far as maintaining contact - she does, although at an arm's length.

 

A bad relationship with the father can colour a woman's view of men. The fact that they have a healthy relationship is a good sign.

 

For me, one major concern I would have would be with our shared values regarding our children. I too would be concerned if my lady and I were very different in our value systems.

 

Have you asked her to cut the ties to her past?

[DeadHead1981]

No...to tell you the truth, I really don't want to. I'm not the type of person who would go and tell their signifigant other who they can and can't talk to.

 

My main problem is, again, the idea of values. I know that makes me sound holier-than-thou, but I really don't mean for it to come accross that way. And I don't think I'm alone when I say there are certain qualities that would like a girl I'm dating to possess.

 

I also wish she respected the fact this was an issue for me and made more of an effort to keep that side away from me. I appreciate your dialogue, though...it's nice to know I'm not just paranoid and crazy (although her friends may conclude otherwise).

[Llama Dancer]

And to answer the previous posting...there is some infidelity in the past.

 

This could be a red flag. Can you elaborate here?

[Llama Dancer]

No...to tell you the truth, I really don't want to. I'm not the type of person who would go and tell their signifigant other who they can and can't talk to.

 

My main problem is, again, the idea of values. I know that makes me sound holier-than-thou, but I really don't mean for it to come accross that way. And I don't think I'm alone when I say there are certain qualities that would like a girl I'm dating to possess.

 

I also wish she respected the fact this was an issue for me and made more of an effort to keep that side away from me. I appreciate your dialogue, though...it's nice to know I'm not just paranoid and crazy (although her friends may conclude otherwise).

 

This post caught my eye for one reason. Many years ago I dated a woman with quite a past. She tried to convince me she changed. I believed her because quite frankly, I wanted to. In time, I came to understand that although she really thought she changed, she hadn't. I wasted several years of my life with her and delayed meeting my true love. I still had a lot of emotional baggage and pain to deal with after. I'm not saying that's the case here, it was only true for me. People absolutely can change but it is a very difficult process.

 

It's obvious that you respect her and cherish her. How serious are the two of you?

[DeadHead1981]

Farily serious - she is itching for marriage as soon as possible (again, two years older). And most of the time the relationship is really strong. The odd thing is that I feel like it's something I could get over, but maybe not with her.

 

Not sure if that makes any sense, but I would equate it to a fear of riding roller coasters. You don't start out with the millennium Force when you're scared of the Tilt a Whirl.

[Llama Dancer]

What about the infidelity in her past?

[DeadHead1981]

Not too concerned with it, to be honest. It was a brutal relationship and she broke up with him the next day. I don't neccesarily believe because someone cheated once they're "chronic."

[Llama Dancer]

I agree, people make mistakes.

 

How long ago was that?

[Llama Dancer]

Also do you feel confident that this was an isolated event? If it is, so be it. If you have doubts, that's another matter.

 

I do have to say that what you are feeling and thinking is perfectly normal. You are handling this better than I might. Any one thing I could see looking past: a spotty history, different value systems, not respecting your feelings, infidelity in her past. But you're talking about all of the above.

 

Personally, I would have a hard time moving past this all collectively. Only you know the score. You seem to have doubts and let's be honest, they may be well founded. While I admire her transparency with you, in your place I might question what she might not be telling you. That is, is she being 100% honest or is she giving you enough info in order to smokescreen other details of her past? That's a common play but then again, I don't know her.

 

I feel that it is disrespectful of her not to make a clean break from her past - certainly cutting contact with one night stands should not even be an issue here. No, you should not ask her to. That is something she should do on her own as she knows how you feel - it shouldn't even have to be discussed but you've made yourself clear. To ask her to do so would be manipulative on your part. Keeping friends she was "involved" with is one thing. Keeping the armada around is quite another. All that attention in her past and now sounds like a lot of ego stroking, IMHO.

 

Nobody is perfect, but I think it would be foolish to ignore what's in front of your face. Forget about the past, her continued behaviour in the present is disrespectful. But none of this would matter more to me than the disparity in value systems you obviously have. If sex is an expression of deeper emotion for you, this may not be the right girl for you I am sorry to say. How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

 

Wish you well.

[Llama Dancer]

I cleaned that up a little bit to make it a bit clearer, I hope.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this. Judging from the many threads on this forum in which people have weighed in on the debate of casual sex and many partners vs sex only in a committed loving relationship, neither side really "gets" the other side's point of view and it generally leads to judgements on both sides of the argument and a "are you for real!" kind of attitude. The values are just way too different and over time can be problematic. Your girlfriend is already accusing you of being judgemental...this will pose problems later on. I also agree with what values she will teach her children...mind you, there are some parents who had quite a racy past but when it comes to their children it is "do as I say, not as I did".