56mercgal Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Met this awesome guy who's 51 and I'm 42. Met on Jan 4 this year. Yep, it's me again! I seem to be famous on this site,LOL! Anyway, we have gone from dating to a relationship to being more intimate. I wasn't kissed till the third date! WOW! And when we went to the movies, it wasn't until the 3rd date when he held my hand, when I really wanted to do that on the 2nd at least. I don't want to come accross forward or like a * * * * . BUT, I REALLY would love to be I guess more intimate with this guy. He says he wants to take it slow and let's get to know each other. I may have said this before, but one night a few weeks ago he gave me a full body massage, me practically all naked. He was fully dressed. And we did that with the tv on and on the couch, which doesn't exactly promote the mood! haha! I wanted to do that in his bedroom with some nice music on. He told me later he was afraid of going too far on his part so he didn't get undressed then. We have long talks laying next to each other in his car. I for the first time spent the night with him last night, we did sleep together. He gave me a nice massage and asked me if this is better than the last. I thought it would lead to well, foreplay. I was hoping it would! Sorry, I was really hoping it would! I was really in the mood for it. He had his shirt off and just undies on. But when i tried to "go down there" with my hand, he whispered to me "can we just hold off for now?" I want to wait a couple of more weeks" And I don't want to jeopardize this relationship". He said " I really DO want to go all the way with you, but I want to take our time".It seems he is afraid of foreplay, like it would lead to sex. I would just be happy at this point if that's all we did. The sex thing can wait. I don't know, I am frustrated that I can't "please" him and he's already done oral on me. He asked me if I have giving a guy that and I said "Yes". One time he says I can touch him wherever I want then a while later it's "let's not go there right now". I am VERY confused! Maybe a guy can answer this!! Help! Link to comment
Cardinal Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I am not sure of his reasons but he seems to be getting gradually more comfortable around you. If he says in a couple of weeks, perhaps it is best just to wait. I think anything I would suggest as an explanation would be mere conjecture. Behavior appears abnormal, but unless he has inadequacy issues, I don't see anything wrong with the situation. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 When you are making out with him and he does oral on you do you know if he gets an erection? Is it possible he has erectile dysfunction and is embarrassed about it? Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 When you are making out with him and he does oral on you do you know if he gets an erection? Is it possible he has erectile dysfunction and is embarrassed about it? This was my first thought, too. I mean I can understand if someone wants to wait, but it seems weird that he is fine with giving you naked massages and oral sex, but won't let you touch him. Link to comment
56mercgal Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 No, this man has NO erectile dysfunction! This morning, He was taking a shower and asked me to come take a look! LOL! Which is funny because before he was just ready to jump in he asked me if I wanted to join him. He's also been divorced for 6 years, but I'm not sure if he's been out with any women since then. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Maybe he just has some performance anxiety. Just give him time. Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Maybe he just wants to take it slow. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think you are entitled to ask him how much longer he wants to wait. he shouldn't be in the power position of just teasing you and controlling this totally. if he wants to wait and you are wililng to wait that is fine, but he should be giving you a firm idea of how long that will be rather than toying with you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think he may want to get to know you first, which I don't see that as being a problem. After only dating for 2 months, maybe he wants to be in a committed relationship before taking that step. Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think people should be careful of a double standard here - I suspect that if the OP were the one wanting to go slow and not have actual intercourse and he were the one who was wanting to have sex now she would be told not to do that until she was ready - and few people would say that she possibly had some sort of sexual dysfunction or was wanting to have total control in this way. Link to comment
56mercgal Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 I am thinking that this guy really is considering me to be in a committed relationship with him. Where most of the guys I have dated and have become intimate with, were more into just having a good time and enjoyed going out with me but were not as serious minded as this guy seems to come accross. I am flattered that he thinks of me as a potential significant other! The going back and forth(can I touch you there or not??) however is kind of confusing for me! Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 he is controlling the sexual expression in the relationship I think this guy has some issues Link to comment
ColorBlue Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think you should just wait the time he's asking, nothin' wrong with that. If he's still not letting anything happen..You should probably talk to him about it. He could just want to go slow, but..to me, if one person can receive oral, then it should be time for both people. He could just be too nervous about his sexual performance to actually do it. You have to keep in mind that there is a lot of pressure for most people during that first time. This week or two he's asking for could be the time he's going to be building his courage up and getting ready for it. =] I'd just wait these two weeks. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Maybe he just wants to take it slow. Agreed. Man.. some guys are screwed if they do and screwed if they don't. Lol. Seems a bit strange though. He's performed oral, given a sem naked body massage and even asked you to come see him naked.. yet he won't have sex. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 It seems very strange - and it seems controlling. Maybe it makes him feel powerful to make her wait? Maybe he is getting off on her wanting him (that whole come look at my penis thing in the shower). It's been two months and no mutual sex - that's weird! Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Controlling? Making her wait? The OP has no more right to expect him to have sex with her because she is ready than he would if he were ready before she was. I think some people have a huge double standard. They seem outraged that a man would prefer to wait to have actual penetrative sex. How can it possibly be controlling because he doesn't want to have actual sex yet? Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 He won't even let her touch his penis, yet he will give her oral? Yes, he is controlling the sexual expression. It's rather one-sided, and he holds the power. (and there are women who do this as well, it's not a gender thing) Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Well, I disagree. There are different levels of sexual activity and people have a right not to go farther than they feel comfortable going. It doesn't necessarily mean they are weird, sexually inadequate or on a power trip. It usually means that they are mature, rational and sensible people who very often have been hurt in the past and are simply being careful. Especially ehn in a relationship of only two months standing. It's not controlling - it's just wise. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think though, that if a woman where to show off her naked body yet not have sex she'd be seen as a tease. But I think he does have the right idea with wanting to take it slow. Call me old fashioned. Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think though, that if a woman where to show off her naked body yet not have sex she'd be seen as a tease. But I think he does have the right idea with wanting to take it slow. Call me old fashioned. Plenty of people have sexual activity while naked or near-naked without having actual physical sex. I just think the double standard here is really unbelievable. It's like he owes her sex because she wants it. As I said, if the genders were reversed here I am quite sure the man would be told to back off and not pressure a woman into having sex before she was ready. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 what double standard? this has nothing to do with gender if you gave a woman oral would you then tell her she couldn't touch your penis? do you not see how weird and controlling that is? (as in, I can touch you but you can't touch me) oral sex is sex - he is having one way sex with her, it isn't mutual - she wants mutual sexual activity - I don't think she is pushing for penis/vaginal intercourse, she simply wants to touch him too I see the lack of mutuality as the problem, and he is teasing her purposefully (shower scene) and then not permitting her to touch him maybe I'm misinterpreting what the OP was conveying - but I can relate to how frustrated she is feeling with these mixed and inconsistent messages Link to comment
DN Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Plenty of people have oral sex, hand sex, mutual masturbation or whatever without having penetrative sex. Maybe because they fear pregnancy, because they feel it implies an emotional commitment that they don't feel ready to make just yet or they don't want to mislead someone. This relationship is two months old, the OP has other threads about wanting to control or criticise the way he is with his dogs, the way he dresses and what and when he eats. He has every reason to be very very careful in what direction this relationship goes - and the speed it goes there. many men realise that if they have sex - penetrative sex especially - with a woman she very often expects a commitment of emotion, time and than the relationship has moved beyond the early stages into something deeper and with ties. A wise and mature man, especially one who has gone through a divorce, will be very careful about getting too heavily involved too quickly. He is being careful with his feelings and probably hers as well. Women very often accuse men of thinking with their penis - this man is probably thinking with his head. Link to comment
l9grl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 OP has other threads about wanting to control or criticise the way he is with his dogs, the way he dresses and what and when he eats. He has every reason to be very very careful in what direction this relationship goes - and the speed it goes there. I didn't know this. Gotcha! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I think people should be careful of a double standard here - I suspect that if the OP were the one wanting to go slow and not have actual intercourse and he were the one who was wanting to have sex now she would be told not to do that until she was ready - and few people would say that she possibly had some sort of sexual dysfunction or was wanting to have total control in this way. I agree with you about the double standards. The only reason why I mentioned sexual dysfunction was because of the fact that he is 51 and some men at that age can suffer from it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I agree. Also...how many women give men blowjobs and that's their limit with the sexual activity until they decide they are ready for more. Link to comment
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