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For seeking answers on the internet...Read This


id4edg

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I recently experienced a 5 year relationship end. I'll briefly fill you in on what happened. We were together since high school and we still had/have a lot of growing up to do. She made some mistakes as well as I, but the way we each reacted to them was differently. She couldn't deal with some of things I had been doing by the end of the relationship and she held onto it until she found someone new. Basically, there was a lack of communication. So far it's been three months and she is now very happy with her new man and I am so happy for her. Although it hurts, I have learned so much about myself. This thread is about how I learned to do the appropriate research and find the right guidance for moving on.

 

When I learned that my girlfriend was breaking up with me, I did what all of us do when our lover leaves us. I cried, pleaded, yelled, screamed, sighed, and even laughed. I felt sad, angry, happy, relieved, and jealous, along with so many other feelings. Basically, I was an emotional wreck. Many times anxiety just got the best of me. I would go into “panic mode” or “fight or flight” and endlessly search the internet for answers to stupid questions like “How can I get my ex back?”, “How can she move on so quickly?”, and so forth (I still do sometimes, but less frequently as time passes). That is when I came accross this site, along with some others. I love eNotAlone. It’s a great site with a lot of helpful information from average people who have experienced or are going through similar situations. But just because these people have "been there, done that", they are not qualified to judge your situation. The only person qualified to truly judge and assess the situation is YOU. What I am trying to say is that each and every heartbreak is different and no grieving process is absolute.

 

When I began browsing forums and doing my Google research I was devastated. I was heartbroken, desperate, depressed, hopeless…the list goes on. All of these feelings can make one quite vulnerable. So here are some tips to guide you through your research on heartbreak:

 

1) Posting on forums or asking questions about your relationship is a wonderful idea. Get your feelings out. There are many understanding people out there who are compassionate and great listeners. I think the best answers are the ones that provide the heartbroken with consolation, inspiration, support, and hope. But beware, because not every answer you get will be the one you are looking for, which leads me to my next tip.

 

2) Keep your research rational. What I mean by this is to not obsess over healing. Research is simply a supplement to the ultimate healer, which is time. Maybe devote an hour a day to figuring out what you want out of a relationship. Determine your values, set your goals for the future, build your self-confidence, get in touch with what you are feeling, find out why you are feeling that way, and know that everything will work itself out with time. I can’t stress that enough.

 

Also, limit your research to self-improvement. Your partner has problems of their own whether they are aware of it or not because we all do. I don’t like to use that word - “problems” - because of its negative connotation, so just think of problems as muscles that need to grow or something. Life is a never-ending work in progress. Don’t waste your time finding reasons to blame them for the break up. A break up takes two. Do your part and rebuild. And please, do not focus your research on getting your ex back. The best way to get your ex back is to get yourself back first. Remember, you did your best in the relationship by acting out your present level of awareness. Every time you tell yourself you would have and could have done better, you are simply fooling yourself. If you went back in time, you wouldn’t have done it differently because your present level of awareness would still be what it was. You wouldn’t have learned from your mistake.

 

3) Here is a big one. Read every response you get, but do not dwell on a single response. I am guilty of this. I selectively exposed myself to posts and articles leading me to believe I could get my ex back in order to relieve me of insecurities and stress. The truth is you never really know what’s going to happen. The only time is NOW.

 

I’m sure everyone who responds to these kinds of threads and publish relationship articles are great people. I say that because they are responding with the intention of helping. But like I said before, everyone’s situation is different. It’s like going to the gym and tailoring a workout plan. No one plan is going to work for everyone. Yes, and that means there is no surefire way to get your ex back. I’ve read some success stories of people using different methods, but where are they now? Maybe they posted here once and never returned again. So who knows what happened to them. Also, don’t buy into the “How to get your ex back” schemes that you see all over the internet. In my opinion, the healthiest way to get your partner back is by doing three things: 1) Break up in a manner that is healthy for the both of you. Honesty and communication are the keys to life for a variety of reasons that I will not dive into right now. You need to wait till the emotions subside, at least temporarily). 2) Give them space and use your time alone wisely. Finally, 3) letting go and moving on. This is the hardest part. Find something that will trigger a sense of true loss. For everyone it’s different. For me, it was finding out she was in a new relationship. People change and you must learn to accept this. It is a fact of life. If you both really love each other, you both need to let each other grow as individuals, even it means NEVER getting back together. In my opinion, that is love. And it feels damn good knowing you can love unconditionally. Trust me.

 

4) Finally, be careful who you listen to. Find a book to read that applies to your life. Research the authors and determine whether they are qualified to assist you in your grieving process. Fortunately, many authors who write these books are qualified. You will find a lot more useful information in books than you will on the internet. I decided to use this route as a primary aid in my rebuilding process. Some books I suggest you look into are books on breaking up, grief, spirituality/meditation, diet, exercise, self help, and even relationships, dating and sex (when you are ready). These books will all help you understand a lot more about yourself, the relationship, and how to move on.

 

Other great resources are elderly people, especially if the break up was from a long term relationship. Older people are more likely to have gone through long term relationships. Mine was only five years. But in my opinion, five years is a hell of a lot different than one or two years. But it all depends on how fast a couple progresses through the stages of a relationship. You need to be aware that those who post on the internet most likely went through a different kind of separation than you did. You don’t really know who’s behind the advice or the story. Sometimes, it’s a lot more comforting talking to someone whom you know personally. In my case it was my parents, older friends, or even friends my age whom had been through a lot in their lives.

 

*I am not a professional. This is only what I have learned through my experience of heartbreak. I am only 22 years old and, like everyone else, I am simply trying to help by providing my two cents. Please feel free to suggest any ideas, critique, or get your feelings out. Thanks everybody.

 

Cheers,

The Heartbreak Kid

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This is the hardest part. Find something that will trigger a sense of true loss. For everyone it’s different. For me, it was finding out she was in a new relationship. People change and you must learn to accept this. It is a fact of life. If you both really love each other, you both need to let each other grow as individuals, even it means NEVER getting back together. In my opinion, that is love. And it feels damn good knowing you can love unconditionally. Trust me.

 

The Heartbreak Kid[/i]

 

 

I am with you on this. My situation is fairly similar with yours where she found a new bf after our NC for a couple of weeks. I don't think i am blaming her now, on the other hand i am focused on myself figuring out if we were suitable for each other. If you've read my previous post you will know why we broke up. anyway, i try not to think of her and move on, which is the only thing that i can do. thanks for your post.

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i'm not in a rational state of mind all the time, and i know it. the fantasy of manipulating cercumstances in order to maintain control over the other person and their new realtionship is very appealing, but not rewarding. under all of the rationalization i do know three things that you helped me realize:

 

1. it's done. She has a new life now, and i don't want to be a part of it, but i wish her the best.

 

2. I have a new life that would be so much more difficult if i let her back in. for now, i need to be by myself and around people that contribute to my happiness.

 

3. time heals all wounds, and learning from this experience will help me further make the best out of any new beginning i encounter in life.

 

people are multifaceted, and the more you think that your last partner had all the characteristics that you were attracted to, the more you are limiting yourself.

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