Saw my ex again.

[Seymore]

She picks this kid up from school and drives him home - his school is right behind my work. She always drove him there in the morning, but before we broke up, she mentioned the possibility of picking him up after, too.

 

Anyway, I stayed at work about 5 minutes late, and I pull out of the parking lot. I get halfway up the street and I see a car like hers in the next lane driving the same way in front of me. I didn't have my glasses on, so I couldn't see the license plate too well. I squint, and it's her. Right in front of me. I panicked and made a quick right turn, cutting through a restaurant parking lot to get to the street I wanted to turn onto. I didn't want to stay on the road and wind up stopping right next to her at the intersection.

 

I started to freak out - "Did she see me? I hope not. Maybe she was looking in her rearview. Maybe not. Now I'm going to have to watch my butt every day when I leave work. Why do I still let this get to me? I can't do this every day!"

 

I got a brand new car since we broke up, so she wouldn't recognize it as mine unless she saw me in it.

 

It's not as bad as the last time I drove past her - my heart just sank then and I was so miserable. This time I was only concerned about getting the hell away. It's been 2 months now. Why do I still let this get to me? The weather was FINALLY nice today, and I was loving it. Wasn't thinking about her or anything, then this. I almost had her in my head as she didn't exist and everything was going so well. There's an alternate route I can take home, I guess, but we'll still wind up on the same main street.

[Blue Streak]

You are the father of the child in reference? Your thread is confusing to the typical reader.

[Seymore]

No, he's just some kid. His parents pay my ex to drive him to school every morning, which is why I said "this kid".

[fiffy]

Hey seymore,

 

Hope your ok?

 

I think the volitile nature of your ex has put you on edge. You are constantly in a defensive mode and ready for attack when you feel threatened.

 

I think seeing her car triggered these survival instincts and put you in a state of shock. You felt threatened and now are experiencing the after waves of this shock.

 

I think it is totally normal when you have been in a manipulative and threatening relationship. There is still an element of fear surrounding your ex and it will take time for this fear to disapate.

 

Try not to let this fear grow. Try to just go to work and not consider hiding yourself or timing your arrival/leaving work with her schedule. If you do this you will let the fear grow and could end up with greater issues down the line.

 

Try just to stay calm and ignore the threat of seeing her. Maybe you shuld find some anti anxiety techniques to instill calm if you do end up in a confrontation.

 

Hope your well xxx

[Seymore]

Hey fiffy! It's been a while. Hope you're doing well too!

 

That's an insightful thought. For the first month, I was afraid we'd bump into each other while driving to work, but after a while, I didn't care because the odds were so slim.

 

I don't usually leave work late, and her pulling out of the lot the same time as me happened once in two months, so I guess the odds are still slim.

 

I think I'm also afraid of myself. She had this way of talking me into things, it was almost like mind control - I'd do those things and be like "What did I just do?" after. Like the times where we did split up during the relationship - she'd always back me into a corner and make me feel like she was the rational one and I had no clue what I was doing, and I'd doubt myself and cave. I think that coupled with what you were talking about, plus the residual feelings from having been with her for 15 months contributed to my feelings.

 

Thanks again *HUG*

[fiffy]

Hey sweetie,

 

Glad your well!

 

You have so much insight into your situation and this girl I don't think you have much to worry about.

 

It can be fearful though when you are faced with a person who can back you into a corner. It is very confrontational and I completely understand how you want to avoid such confrontation.

 

Abusive personalities often project their mental instability onto us. Its away of ridding themselves of the 'labels' and convincing themselves that they are right and we a re wrong. I still struggle with thoughts of 'am I the crazy one?'. It is very hard. My ex even said I was the abusive bully. I have questioned myself over this so much. Just don't let her thoughts infiltrate yours, they are toxic!

[sandrawg]

Fiffy, look at you, giving such great advice. I'm so proud of you-you've come such a long way from when you first started posting and your horrible ex had you twisted around in knots.

 

And Seymore, I think your feelings are totally understandable. I am taking tentative steps to reintegrate my ex into my life in a VERY VERY limited fashion, but it's hard. I've been hurt too much by him. We email and text a little. But if I saw him, i'd probably want to run, too.

 

It's a very Pavlovian, like not wanting to put your hand over a hot flame. It's as simple as that-pain avoidance. It may take a while, and a lot of healing, before you would be able to see her by accident and not want to bolt.

[ran81]

Has she made any recent attempts to contact you Sey? what did she say the last time?

[Seymore]

Just that she wanted her parking sticker back. I told her sister to tell her I threw it out over a month ago and I would reimburse her if it was that big of a deal. That was the last I heard.

 

I was kinda miffed about my parents' view of what I did when I saw her car. They were both saying "Pfft...what are you going to do - run away from her for the rest of your life? You have to just do whatever you want and stop worrying."

 

My dad said something that made me laugh, though: "It's ok to run into her. When you do, make sure your gas pedal is all the way to the floor, though".

[Seymore]

So we lost power at work, and they sent us home early. Woo-hoo, right? Soon as I pull out of work and I'm stopped at the intersection, she goes driving by on the street I was going to turn on. So I'm turned, 2 cars behind her. I almost lost it again, but kept driving. I know she was driving to class.

 

I really let myself have it on the way home. I verbalized an argument with myself - the drivers around me must've thought I was nuts. It went something like this:

 

"Why the hell do you let this happen to yourself? Why do you let it affect you?"

 

"I don't know. I guess I'm happiest when I know she's not around, and seeing her exist without me drives me nuts"

 

"So what? You'd rather be WITH her? You'd rather be in a relationship where she torments you, hangs up on you, blows up at you for every little thing, controls you, guilt-trips you, makes you feel a wreck both emotionally and sexually? You want to be broke? You want to be on pins and needles while talking to her? You want to be her errand boy again? You want to not sleep a full night? You want to have to deal with her constant mind-changing and her impulsive behavior? Wake when she says wake, jump when she says jump? You want her to drag you into her emotional instabilities again, into her family full of emotional instability? You want to be with someone who teases you with sex, then withdraws once you show interest? Shall I go on???? What is it with you? She was NO good. And you MISS that? She messed you up bad, man."

 

"I don't know. Maybe she's changed."

 

"Bull * * * * . In just over 2 months she won't. She saw a therapist for almost 2 years before she met you and claimed it did nothing. 2 YEARS. In 2 months this is all supposed to change? Every time you two have broken up or almost broken up, it was because of her anger and all the things I've listed before. She was like that before you, and she will be like that after you. 2 months isn't going to change anything. You're a mess. I'm about ready to give up on you. You go back to her for a day and it will break you from your own disappointment in yourself for simply caving. Every time you got back together you regretted it right away, thinking about how you blew your opportunity to end it and LIVE your life. Sure things got good again. For how long? Is your sanity worth that? Shape the * * * * up, man. You weren't her shoulder to cry on, you were her emotional punching bag, her doormat, her occasional sex buddy and her wallet all rolled up into one nifty, convenient package. She barely ever even KISSED you. I don't mean those granny/grandpa "Good night" kisses where your lips don't even touch, I don't think you guys had a kiss that lasted longer than a second ONCE in the last 2 months you were together. Don't you dare buy that. Your emotions and your 'hope' got you back into that hell of a relationship NUMEROUS times. Use your * * * * ing head for once. For your own sake."

 

I was literally yelling at myself. I was embarassed and angry at myself the whole time. It did help a little bit, though. I AM better than that. I felt like Brad Pitt and Ed Norton going at it.