At the breaking point...

[niceandslow]

So I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now. I just turned 24, and he will be turning 41 just to give you an idea about us. We have had our fair share of problems in the past and a lot of it has to do with my jealousy and insecurities.

 

But the big problem as of late is his alcohol problem. The man drinks every single night to the point where he does not remember anything. In the past, it never bothered me because I never really took the time to notice. But in the last few months, I have seen how bad it truly is. I have spoken up about it, and he says if it bothers you why are you still with me. He says he is not an alcoholic, and if he decided to stop drinking he would be able to do it. But I know that if he ever tried, he would struggle with it. I carely deeply about him, and I want the absolute best for him. I am really starting to worry about his health, and the direction he is leading his life. I just don't know how to help him anymore, and I guess I start to question why am I with an alcoholic.

 

People tell me I deserve better, and sometimes I wonder if I really do. I am at a crossroads trying to decide what is really best for me, but at the same time I don't really want to lose him. You can only tell someone so much that need help, but we all know that a person needs to want to change themselves.

 

I just really don't know what to do anymore...

[depressed_86]

A friend of mine went through exactly the same thing as you. She was with her husband since she was 16 and she's now about 38. He was just as you describe your partner. She tried and tried and tried but nothing worked because he always knew she wouldn't leave. She finally left him last year and even then he didn't try. Now he's trying as he has kids with her and its affecting them too.

 

I know leaving someone you love is easier said than done but clearly he isn't going to change until you've put your foot down and showed you have had enough. People don't tell you that you deserve better for the fun of it, they tell you that because it's the truth. YOU DO DESERVE BETTER but you got to believe it too.

[catfeeder]

Given that there's no possible way for you to 'fix' BF's drinking problem, you've already lost him. The only chance you can give him to meet you on higher ground someday is to walk away and let him decide whether losing you means that he's reached his bottom--or whether he still has lower to go.

 

Sticking around for him to make that decision will only enable him to avoid making it.

 

I realize that this sounds counter-intuitive, but by walking way you're actually doing the kindest service to him--and yourself.

 

Research the group called Ala-Non, and consider attending a meeting or two. Ask to be helped by a mentor who can teach you exactly why a loved-one's recovery must be his own responsibility without any 'help' from you.

 

I've worked in the field of alcoholism for many years, and I've never met a person who's been willing to accept what I've had to say at face value, and that's okay. Just live it out enough, and you'll teach yourself--I only hope to spare you too much wasted time.

 

People who try to 'help' the alcoholics they love only prolong their own suffering and add fuel to the alcoholic's determination to deny the problem. Every demonstration of love is perceived as a demand, and the alcoholic becomes resentful and defiant. They turn sneaky and dangerous. The longer you stay, the worse your life becomes.

 

This man has already pointed you to the door. I'd walk though it and let the chips fall where they will. You'll free yourself to pursue a healthy future, and if the man ever opts to turn his own health around and catch up with you someday, he will do so. If not, you've cut your losses and you've opened your whole life up to new possibilities. That's not 'losing' him, it's gaining your Self.

 

In your corner.

[1MoreChance]

I agree.

Go be happy you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm pretty sure this is a very unhealthy relationship.

[jessicake]

why does he drink everynight? does he have a massive amount of stress in his life? is he trying to escape something?