natural Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 I need some advice and I also need to vent….. I have posted re: my boyfriend before. Here is some background information. I am 227 and my boyfriend is 30. My boyfriend and I dated (not in an official relationship but only dating one another) from April 2007 until May 2008. We ended up calling the whole thing off in May 2008. His grandfather passed away and he took it hard. In addition, he was having serious money issues and hated his job at FedEx. So, we decided to take a break. At first, it was really hard for me but I moved on. He continued to call throughout the summer and kept in regular contact. I began dating other people. In August 2008, he came to me and said that he wanted to be in a relationship with me and he was ready to fully commit. I did not believe him and told him that I did not trust that he was ready. He continued to try to get back with me, I eventually gave in, and we got together in October 2008. He got a new job in January. He was really happy to get the new job, as he hated his job at FedEx. Well, he has decided to continue working at FedEx part time so that he can pay off his car. So, he works at his new job from 7:00AM -4:00PM and FedEx from 5:30PM to 10:30PM. Needless to say, he is tired beyond belief most of the time and wants to sleep all weekend since that is his only time off. There are two issues that I am a having Issue #1 I have never met his mother. NEVER. In almost two years. He is extremely close to his mother. In fact, he is almost a mother’s boy. He is his mother’s only child. I think it is extremely weird that she and I have not met. I have brought it up to him not introducing me to his mother is not intentional. He has not really thought about it. He said that his family is not the type to have gatherings and invite people over, etc. Non the less, he said that we are all going to go out to lunch shortly. This remains to be seen and I will believe it when I see it. I do not understand why he has not naturally wanted me to meet his mother. Especially, since they are so close. Issue#2 Since he is always so tired, we only see each other once a week (if that). When we talk on the phone, it is very short b/c he usually is calling me while he is driving from one job to the next or when he gets off work and he is dead tired. When we do see each other it is very odd….we are not the type of couple to lay around on a lazy Sunday or Saturday, grab lunch and just play things by ear and enjoy one another’s company. With us, everything is planned out. IF he spends the night he gets up at 8AM the next morning goes back home…. I hate it. I have no doubt that he is faithful and not dating another woman. I think he leaves b/c he wants to sleep the rest of the day away in his own bed. There are some things in the relationship that I am happy with. But I am no where near being completely happy. I feel as though we are having a relationship that two 17 year olds would have with one another or the kind of relationship that two people who just start dating would have. We lack the closeness that I feel should be shared between a 27 year old woman and 30 year old man who have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. We kind of talked about it yesterday and he said he was getting frustrated b/c he thought that he was doing everything he could do to make me happy. Of course, the convo was cut short b/c he had to go into work. I just feel like how on earth can and will we ever move to the point of engagement/marriage if our dating relationship feels so distant – at least to me. I guess it just boils down to the fact that I do not feel like I am priority in his life. I want to be apart of his full life. His love life and his personal family life. He has not let me in that space of his life and it really bothers me. Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions? Link to comment
savignon Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 It sounds like your thoughts are very clear and you stated them well. It's difficult for you to feel close to him when you haven't met his mother, spend little time together and he is often tired/working many hours a day. Are you considering ending it to look for what you really want? I can't tell from your post if your looking for advice on how to salvage things or wondering if you should stay in this relationship...?? Link to comment
RoxyGril Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Have you talked to him at all about how you feel? Why hasn't he introduced you to his family yet? Also, have the both you sat down together and try to talk about the relationship and where it's at and what direction it's going as well? Link to comment
natural Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Savignon - I am really confused as to what I should do. I love him and want to be with him. However, I do not want to be with him if things are going to stay like this forever. He said that once he gets a little more financially stable, he will be in the position to quit his job at FedEx and there will be much less stress on him which inturn will take off the stress that his schedule has caused on our relationship. So, I guess (for now) I am asking on thoughts and suggestions on how to salvage the relationship. Roxygirl - I talked to him a little yestersay but I did not get a chance to go into detail and my thoughts were not well thought out and articulated b/c I felt rushed b/c I knew soon he would have to get off of the phone to go to work. It really was not a good time to dicuss the issue. I did not make a lot of sense and I was overwhelmed. he said that he did not undedrstand why me meeting his mother was such a big issue, it was not done intentionally, and that he is confused b/c he thought that he was making me completely happy. I explained to him how important family is to me. Again, i was not able to really elaborate and make a strong argument for my feelings b/c i was so rushed. I have met his Grandmother, father, step brother and all of his close friends. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Have you had the "where is this going" talk? it doesn't sound to me like you're a priority either Link to comment
beauty21 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 He's just not that into anymore. Clear and straight to the point. Link to comment
savignon Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Why not tell him you look forward to meeting his mother and then offer to make you all a nice lunch on his day off? I suggest telling him how you feel and being specific about what you need from him (a phone call a day, or him to stay in bed with you for 15 mins to cuddle before he has to take off for work) Maybe make him some lunches for the week so he's less stressed about running around? There are a few things you can offer and surely a few things he can offer so that it feels a little better during this high-work time in his life. I remember working that much during college and it's like your brain can't function on such little sleep. My friend to this day reminds me that I'd tell her I want to hang out and then fall asleep on her couch and then the next time I'd be like, "I really want to hang out..I promise I'll do better this time"....zzzzzzzz. Link to comment
beauty21 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 If he wanted her to meet his mother, taking it that he is a mother's boy and he is her only son, he would have made the initiative by now. There is something going on that doesn't smell right here. Link to comment
natural Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Thank you for the suggestions savignon. Beauty - I agree with you. I do not know what it is but something is not right. My boss told me that maybe b/c he is so close to his mother, maybe she is not the type who is nice to the "girlfriend". Or, maybe b/c he is so close to her and cherishes her so much, that he is not ready to introduce that part of his life to me yet. Maybe, subconciously, that is a part of his life that is very sacred and he is not ready to share that with me. I dont know what is going on. All I do know is that it is hurtful. Last night, i told myself that maybe he does not care anymore. But then I began to think about all of the sweet and loving things that he has one for me recently. Also, he is brutally honest about things. Last year this time when he was not interested in being in a relationship, he had no problem being straight up with me about it and telling me flat out. He is not the type to lie just to keep a woman around. At least, he has not been that way in the past. Yesterday, I asked him if he wants to be in this relationship and he said that he does want to be with me and that he loves me. It is a really tough situation becasue it is not all bad. He is not a jerk to me. He is very loving, kind and sweet to me...... I don't know. Link to comment
natural Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 If he were some a**hole who treated me horribly or remotely close it, it would be easy to say "see ya". Also, my friends and family memebers who are my age who are getting married and haveing kids left and right does add pressure. Whenever i hear about a new friend getting engaged it makes me thinknig about my boyfriend and I. I begin to examine and pick apart all that is wrong with the relationship. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 If he were some a**hole who treated me horribly or remotely close it, it would be easy to say "see ya". Also, my friends and family memebers who are my age who are getting married and haveing kids left and right does add pressure. Whenever i hear about a new friend getting engaged it makes me thinknig about my boyfriend and I. I begin to examine and pick apart all that is wrong with the relationship. Hey nat.. A few things - first, be careful doing this kind comparing to other friends and family. You never know what is really going on in their lives...just what they choose to portray. Inevitably, doing the comparison thing, leads you to scrutinizing all the things you're not happy about in your relationship which is never a good thing, bc your perception is already skewed from comparing in the first place. It's hard - trust me, I know, my bf and I are the same ages as you two, so I understand the pressures at this stage of life, but i've learned it really helps to just examine your relationship on it's own. Regarding not meeting his mother - I find it interesting that you have met all his close friends and other relatives, but not the one person who he is the closest too. It doesn't seem right. I'd venture out to say that perhaps he is stalling on this, bc she is that important in his life, and doing this introduction would signify that you are also an important woman in his life now too....this meeting probably unconsciously means more then he is willing to admit. When people usually introduce their significant other to their parents, it typically is indicative of their intentions with that person and relationship. Conveys a sort of realism and seriousness...big level of commitment. Now, I'm not saying he isn't committed to you, but meeting parents usually is a higher level of commitment, and he def seems hesitant for some reason. If he could introduce you to the other relatives, he should have no reason setting up a quick meet with the mother as well. You could have something more in depth later. His explanations sound like excuses imo. Now that you have shared to him that it means alot to you, to meet his mother, he should be taking the appropriate measures to make you feel comfortable. It's called compromises and sacrifices, for the person you supposedly love and are in a relationship with. I understand he has two jobs, but when he knows you just want to spend a little bit more time with him, I feel he should be wiling to accommodate you...even if that means cutting his sleep time 30 mins, or whatever, you know? Relationships are work...it doesn't sound like he's treating it in the same respect as the other two jobs..which in a sense, it is...a third job. Someone will get neglected if its not looked at in that way, and unfortunately, it sounds like your the one being neglected.. Link to comment
natural Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 Freedom thanks so much for the advice and the support! You are so right about everything u said. I'm going to talk to him today about everything in greater depth. Hopefully, this will have agoo outcome. Wish me luck! Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 You're welcome! Good luck, and remember, actions speak louder then words! You shouldnt have to say more then once, what you would like him to do, in order for you to feel a bit more secure... Link to comment
natural Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 I can't believe it. I guess he has the nerve to be mad or frustrated with me! Yester we spoke very briefly over the phone. He was not mean but very hurried. He said he was out running errands. Iasked him why he was acting so strange and he said that he is frustrated. It up set me that number 1 he is makine this about himself when this was supposed to be about me and number 2 that whenever he gets his feelings hurt it takes him days to recover. At that point I just got off of the phone with him b.c I felt myself getting really angry and did not want to say something that I do not mean. This is really ridiculous! I can't believe him. He is a cancer and I have that when cancers feel attacledor hurt they can be very selfish and self centered. He really needs to get over this type of behavior! He is too old to behave this way. I love him and want things to work out more than anything but I do not know how much more I can take Before all of this happened, we made plans to see other on today. We will see what hasppens. I don't think I will call him. I will allow him to call me... Sorry for any typos. I am typing from my phone. Link to comment
natural Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 Frustrated but he had a bad attitude. Link to comment
mentee Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 but why? is he now being defensive? is he acting out what he perceives to be his own failure in keeping you happy? did he explain anything? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Take a look at those actions. Sounds like he is not making you much of a priority based on his actions...unacceptable, imo. Link to comment
Rabican Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 2 years is a long time to have not even met his mom. Im not saying you need to spend the week with her, but at least stop by for dinner or bring you over to say hi before you guys go out on a date. Id wonder if hes not taking you very seriously if he cant/ wont tell his mom about you, or let you meet her. As for not spending any time with you.... sounds to me like he wasnt ready to be in a relationship with you. Hes ready to work a lot... which is an obstacle to being in a happy relationship. If you can handle it (if its only temporary) then thats fine... but I wonder if he wanted to get you back just to keep you on the hook so you didnt end up with someone else. Because it definitely seems like hes not really ready to have a relationship. Im not sure what to tell you though... either deal with it or tell him you are taking a break until issue #1 and 2 are resolved... Link to comment
Rabican Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Oh just thought Id mention that you may want to put this in the age gap forum... if you are 227 years old and hes only 30.... Link to comment
natural Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Rabicon and others - His mother does know about me. At least, she knows who I am and that him and I are dating. I spoke with her on the phone a few times. When he was over her house, I called and she answered. We spoke for about 5-7 minutes each time we spoke (I know, not very long at all) and she acted as if she knew me and said that my boyfriend had said a lot about me and told her about how much fun we had when we went to NYC. I doubt she was lying, but who knows. Also, she was in the hospital for a few days two weeks ago and I sent her flowers and she called me and thanked me for them. Obviously, this is no substitute for actually meeting her in person. And there is really no way of knowing if she knows me and her son are in (or at least supposed to be) in a serious relationship. ***** Yesterday, him and saw each other. We almost broke up. To make a long story short, he expressed to me that he was not truly mad or had an attitude with me. He said that he was frustrated with the situation and that he his ego was hurt. He said that he was not very receptive to the conversation b/c he was rushing on his way to work. He said that b.c it was not necessarily a time sensitive conversation, he wished that I would have waited 2 days until we saw each other and discussed the situation in a relaxed environment in person opposed to over the phone when he was tired, irritable and rushing from one job to the next. He said that he knows there will be times when I will have to discuss issues immediately regardless of how convenient there are to discuss. But this specific issue was somewhat an issue of bad timing. He apologized for the way he handled the situation. He then went onto say that he wants to be with me and that, he loves and that he will make it a priority for me and his mother to meet. However, there are some things that he cannot change right now. For example, seeing each other several times throughout the week. He said that he wanted to be honest with me and not act as though everything was going to change, just to keep me around, but be miserable at the same time. He said that we will probably only be able to see each other during the weekends (for the most part) for the next 4 to 6 months b/c of his work schedule. My biggest issue really was not seeing each other more. My issue was more with how we spent our time when we did see each other. Honestly, I am the type of woman who likes to be with her man 24/7. I work full time and I attend grad school full time - getting my MS. So, I really am tired a lot of the times during the week. I explained that to him. I gave him specific examples of how I would like for us to spend our time when we do see each other and he said that he could accommodate that. The conversation started off a little rough and I thought that we were surely headed for break up then he began to soften up/open up and it ended really well. So, now it is time for action. We did the talk and now it is time for him to do the walk. Oh and I almost forgot. He told me that sometimes he feels as though I am not supportive of him and that I do not show appreciation for the things that he does do. I told him that I would work on that. So, we shall see what happens. We are still treading on very thin ice. But I cannot lie. I do love him and I really hope that everything works out, but if it does not, I am prepared to let it go..... P.S. Robican – sorry for the “227” typo. A lot of time (especially during the weekends) I am typing from my cell. Lol. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Ok, well it does sound like you both shared some concerns, but maybe I overlooked it - where did he address meeting his mom? How much time are you prepared to give him to see the changes you mentioned to him? Link to comment
natural Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 I may have missed the mother part. I have told this story to about 100 of my friends and to you guys as well. So, I the story has become somewhat shortened. Lol. Yes, we did discuss the mother issue. He repeated what he has said before as far as it not being intentional and we made arrangments to go to lunch next Sunday - his mother, grandmother, him and myself. I left it alone at that point. We will see what happens when next Sunday comes around. I did not want to push the issue of his mother and myself not meeting in the past because he has maintained the same story. Obviously if there is something more to it, it is either going on in his unconcious or he does not want to admit it. In either case, I can't squeeze blood from a turnip. As long as from here on out we will not have this mother issue, I am fine. As far as the changes I expect to see them immediately. For example, we are supposed to go out to lunch with his mother on Sunday. From this moment forward these changes should be able to start as soon as the next time we see each other.... Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 your boyfriend sounds great Link to comment
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