Jump to content

motorgrl

Recommended Posts

I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questions the situations that happened over the course of the 3 years I was with him.

 

I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before.

 

He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.

 

My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc.

 

here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:

 

1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.

 

That spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.

 

after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).

 

He was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).

 

 

My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.

 

Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.

 

Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.

 

But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,

 

I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.

 

Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..

 

Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.

 

2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.

 

3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.

 

Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.

 

It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.

 

There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me.

 

I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...

 

 

4. I wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.

 

5. He hardly ever complimented me

 

6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some.

 

7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.

 

8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.

 

9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...

 

BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.

 

I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.

 

I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.

 

There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way.

 

i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently.

 

 

But here are some examples of things that have happened and i am still wondering if i had a right to feel somewhat insecure and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault? I miss him very much at times it hurts.

 

 

I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel sad especially when its not easy to find someone else I would like to date

Link to comment
Share on other sites

the whole sit in the front seat? i mean common? have u read about some issues people are dealing with, - cheating, abuse etc?

 

count urself lucky he "asks" you to sit in the back.. when there is a ring on your finger, then demand the front seat, otherwise its a trivial issue. (guys like to think they are above women?) not worth breaking up over.

 

and the rest of the things you refer to are such small issues. in 3 years, if he has embarresed you a few times, big deal? im sure you may have done the same...

 

dont get me wrong im not just trying to crap all over ur issues but in the scheme of life, they arnt worth being upset about.

 

him having a look at other girls. is a little bit of an issue. i think all males just appreciate the beauty in women, but hes not cheating so i wouldnt be to worried about it.

 

Appreciate what you have, because i didnt... and now she doesnt want me back, over small issues like the ones you have mentioned... and i would change it all for her. but there is no going back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel sad especially when its not easy to find someone else I would like to date

 

you have to be honest with yourself. do you really miss him? or are you just feeling lonely? it's difficult to distinguish sometimes. but the two tend to be quite different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

small issues add up though..embarrassing someone you love purposely in front of his own family is not a trivial issue imo...you actually think its acceptable behavior to make a girlfriend believe they should be sitting in the back seat and thats where they belong? thats showing they aren't as important, especially if it wasn't a one time incident

 

but i still do second guess different isses, not just this...just feel sad without him at times.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The way you have layed things out here, as you have said, comes off as really insecure and a little bit obsessive. The thing is that your view on the car thing does make sense. It is one of those little grey areas where a strong message can be sent. Who sits in the front seat actually makes a social commentary on the status and/or closeness of the individuals in a car. I really do believe and feel that this is true. The only thing is that I am worried that your insecurity may have precipitated some of this guys behavior, which you have described as sometimes pretty sh***y. I think you would benefit GREATLY from being able to let things go a little and being a little more easy going. I don't know you, and I certainly can't make any real judgment. The thing with his mom and eating there, honestly maybe he just slipped. It was a stupid thing to say no doubt. Insecure people can often make their bf or gf feel like they are trying to control them, or that they are over-critical. Not saying that it is purely your fault, clearly this guy doesn't have the grace to deal with these situations either. But hes not the one I'm talking to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey,

 

thanks for your reply..but what i am trying to say is..these things made me insecure...i don't get vibes like this or insecurity from other people...and i do disagree that he did not just slip when he embarrased me..it was done on purpose...most of my friends think they wouldn't have been to tolerate all of these little things because its like taking a jab in the face over and over and it overall showed i wasn't a priority...paying attention to details i dont think means obsessive..i think it actually allows you to see closely how you are being treated..obviously i made mistakes too of course and you are right...which is why sometimes i second guess myself and wish things were done differently..if u read the post, it shows we arent together now

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i understand your post. if i was in that position i would feel the same way. The car thing is awful- its such a small gesture but it can mean a great deal. That is the same with most of the points that you made. Yes, it doesn't seem like a big issue individually but all together it plays out how he seems to be either slightly passive aggressive or he just didn't put you as high on his priority list, which i think you found out in the end.

 

 

I also am quite insecure in my relationship due to lots of little things in the past and i think it is really hard to build up that trust and security again.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling sad and lonely, and i agree with 90 hour sleep, do you miss him more, or do you miss someone to be with?

 

And it does you no good to keep second guessing yourself. Of course if you acted differently, the relationship would have been different, but then you wouldnt have been being yourself. And it takes two to form a relationship, all about compromise. It sounds to me that if you did drive, he would be in the front passenger seat with you even from the beginning. You are the one who want to spend the day with him. etc .. That is where i feel the relationship suffered fundamentally based on your post. You gave him more than he gave you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand that all the small issues add up. I had the same problems too. He couldn't understand why I would get wound up over small issues but the problem was, it was just little things constantly. If it was a few things here and there it wouldn't have been so bad. The more little things that pop up all the time the more you tend to jump on them which leads to bigger problems. But it does make you insecure and I would even say that you start to look for things in a way if that makes any sense.

 

I think the front seat thing was a bit off and it should have been your place over his friends. One particular time, I had to travel in the car with my bf and his mate, and my bf just expected me to sit in the front seat without question. I was quite surprised to be honest. But I chose to sit in the back and let his friend sit in the front. I was comfortable with this because I was offered the seat first, if I had been put in the back it would have been a different story and I would have been annoyed.

 

Whether the issues you had are valid or not they upset you. If you were not comfortable with the way he conducted himself sometimes during the relationship then you have every right to be upset and move on to find someone else more suitable for you. But I will say that every relationship has issues no matter how big or small. Some of the issues I have had to deal with regarding my last relationship/current (and one before that, but that's in the past so I won't get into that) are far bigger and caused me a great deal of hurt and I would give anything just to have the initial silly little things to moan about. I can certainly tell you that I wouldn't be moaning at all and would have just let it all go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you

 

its just hard b/c sometimes i second guess myself and think it was my fault and now i have so much regret but most people say he could have been nicer and my good guy friend said he thinks in some small way he emotionally abused me by some of these issues..not in a extreme sense but by these little things done and said over time..the vibe that i shouldn't be there past a certain time on a sunday felt odd to me..i just felt guilty or like he was bored or had better things to do..and i felt like this whether it was winter or summer(the winter you don't get to get as much done)..i understand we couldnt spend a full day together every single week but even the times we did i just felt weird about it b/c knew he could be doing a,b or c right now and its like he had to spend time with me b/c i was his girlfriend...not a great feeling i must say and it was hard for me to get past it...i never felt like that with friends or anyone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

definitely has not be easy without him..thinking about things we used to do or how i would usually be with him on certain nights..makes me wonder if he already moved on which could be a big possiblity..just hurts alot but most say he could have treated me better so its better off this way

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...