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Good daughter left out of obituary and disowned

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I am a really nice person, came from a divorced family with 2 children, myself and a sister. I didn't see my dad from age 4 till 14, when we were reacquainted at my grandfather's funeral. He started living with a girl my age when I was 18 years old. I came to accept it and thought maybe we could even become friends, but she wasn't very receptive.

My sister lived a troubled life from early childhood years till this day. I actually have taken in 3 of her children, the twins at birth and her little guy at 2-years-old. I have 5 children of my own. I am now 47 with 8 children ranging from 11 to 27.

About 8 years ago, my sister revealed to me that there was incest taking place between her and my dad when she was about 14 and then still in her adult years so that she could get money for drugs. My dad was extremely wealthy. He didn't give her what she wanted, so she decided to hurt him by letting the cat out of the bag. She also revealed to me some names of other young girls whom these inappropriate relations had been happening with. I confirmed it was true.

I was always the rightious one; the good girl. At the time in my life when I found this out, my husband was just recuperating from a kidney transplant, I was the only one working to support a family of 10, and as you can imagine, running in every which direction. I was appalled and blown away by this news. My father had stopped by, but we couldn't even look at each other, never mind talk about what had happened. After that awkward evening, I waited for my dad to call and apologize, deny, explain ... something. He never did. I felt he needed to step up to the plate so we could try to work something out. I was a big chicken and didn't have the guts to call him.

Almost 8 years has gone by, and we did not make amends. I got a call from someone last week asking me if I knew my dad died, that it was in the paper. I was shocked. He was still with the same girl, and they got married about 8 months ago. I now know he had lung and bone cancer and had been sick for 18 months. Not only did I find out my dad died, but he "disowned" me and did not even mention my name in the obituary.

I got up the courage to go and pay my final respects and forgive my dad, and off my children, husband and I went to the services. At this point I still didn't know if it was the new wife or my dad that had left me out of the newspaper. I was devastated because I was denied the opportunity to mourn my father's death with the comfort of family and other family members because nobody even knew he died, except for the few close friends I called. I was not greeted very kindly. I sat in the back of the room trying to find out how my father died while looking at his body in the casket and wondering whether he suffered very much. I was shaking uncontrollably and extremely emotionally distraught. Not one family member even knew he was sick, either, as he had homes in many states and no one in our home town knew he was sick, even though he got married here. Everything was very hush-hush. It was all about his wife and her four siblings. They were in the grieving line-up. He was very eccentric, but I always overlooked his bad qualities and focused on the good.

On the way to the procession after just forgiving my dad and saying Ia prayer, I found out that it was his wish not to include me. I am now so tormented, number one because we didn't make amends, whoever's fault that may be because of the avoidance on both our parts in addressing the situation at hand, and also by being disowned by a parent, who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

Now I don't know if I have it in my heart to forgive him any longer. There were very few people at the service, except for his new wife's siblings and a couple of friends and a couple of biogical relatives out of respect. This says a lot about his character, I guess.

But what about the innocent grandchildren? Some of my boys used to stop by and visit him at his marina, but he never made any attempt to visit them.

I knew by not contacting him years ago and sticking to my morals and values that I may not receive a dime of his 10 to 20 million dollar inheritance, but I had 4 daughters at the time that I thought were more important than money. I also thought he may have been too embarrassed to contact me because he always talked of me very highly, and I tried to respect that. I can't believe that he knew he was dying and chose not to make amends. That really hurts.

Has anyone else ever been left out of the obituary? I am really hurting inside and don't know how to heal. It's like a stake has gone through my heart. How do I deal with this? Do I forgive? Do I just accept that he wasn't a caring and kind person? How could he be so mean-spirited to do this to me knowing what a sensitive human being I am and how I would react to this?

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How could he be so mean-spirited to do this to me knowing what a sensitive human being I am and how I would react to this?


Because he was mean-spirited. How you would react to that was probably not what he was thinking of.


Or, if you prefer, it was what he was thinking of and by giving it so much power over you, he's getting what he wanted.

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Firstly, welcome to ENA....

I don't have any experience in matters like yours, but I would not spend a moment grieving a man who had so many bad traits. I think that because you took a moral "high road", he looked at doing this to you as a way to hurt you. Which says something else about this man....that he could plan on your unhappiness before he even died.

You sound like an angel....let your family be your strength, and don't ever think about this man again.

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also by being disowned by a parent, who's supposed to love you unconditionally.


One point I want to bring up, and I'm sorry if this is painful, is that while a parent is "supposed" to love you unconditionally, unconditional love is truly very rare. Parents are also people you are able to trust, and as someone who was raping his daughter, he obviously was not a trustworthy parent or a decent person in even the slightest way.


I think you are mostly grieving the loss of the parent you wanted to have, not the one you did.


I'd also be glad that he never got near your own children.


I'd probably try and speak to a professional for help with working through the emotions you are going through. It's a massive load for anyone to bear.

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"being disowned by a parent, who's supposed to love you unconditionally."


I would consider it a pleasure to be disowned by a man who thought raping little girls, including his own daughter, fit somehow in that whole 'unconditional love' concept. Personally, my only wish would be that he would have spent the entire fortune battling a slow, agonizing, and inevitably losing, battle with his bone cancer so that the gold digger he married would not get a reward for condoning this man's behavior by sticking with him.


I freaking hate pedophiles/ephebophiliacs with the blazing hatred of a billion suns. Your sister probably had her issues as a direct result of this 'man'. Who knows how many other lives he has personally ruined. The fact that guys like this (and Roman Polanski) get any sympathy at all (as well as fortunes) makes me weep for society.


Sorry about the rant. Hot button issue for me.


Indeed, you, your sister, and perhaps your children, should all look into some form of counseling. This type of creature can inflict wide ranging harm beyond what you may think possible. I wonder if your mother found out about him, and that was why you did not see him for so very long...

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