Is this the best way to handle this?

[renaissancewoman101]

Previously, I had posted about my budding friendship with a certain group of people, and how they were accepting of me and encouraged me to hang out with them. But, after a recent camping event, where I got drunk and needed them and a few other people to watch out for me, it seems that their friendship with me might have cooled. I'm not sure. I could be overreading things. I know some people were concerned about my drinking and one of the guys brought it up to me in a conversation this weekend. They wanted to make sure this wasn't something I did on a normal basis. I assured them it wasn't and that I would be ok at the our next camping event. I also kind of told the mutual friend that I had a crush on someone (P), in their group.

 

Last night we had fencing practice. As usual, I went and attended the practice. P wasn't there (but he had told me a while back that he wasn't going to attend practice for a while). A few of the other people from that group that I hang out, were there. They seemed normal to me and joked around with me, etc.

 

I did ask the gf of the guy whose house we hang at, if they were doing a WoW run on Friday. She said they probably would, but would do an upper level run. She didn't say I could come over (which is odd since she usually says I can). She did say she would text me later this week and let me know what they are doing on Friday. Other than that, she was nice and jokey with me, like normal.

 

I'm not sure what is going on. I think something IS going on, but then I could be way off base. Sometimes I think I may have overburdened my friendship with this group of people (like maybe gone over there too many times). But, most of the times, they were the ones asking if I wanted to come over. I also called a few times and asked too. And I wasn't doing anything bad, except to play WoW and have one of the guys help me out since I'm not good at that.

 

Or else, this could be a reaction because I told their head (our mutual friend) that I liked one of the people in their group. This guy told me they knew about it and they found it funny.

 

I tend to try to establish friendships and then create routines out of them, like, for example, hanging out with them once a week to play WoW, etc. And if they seem ok with it, I establish that as a routine. I function on routines. It is what gives me a sense of stability and a feeling that I am accepted. I'm like that with dating. If I start dating someone, I try to establish a routine where we see each other on a certain day (I am flexible too), but that is what helps me to NOT worry and freak out.

 

Right now, I could be overreacting or these people could be tired of me, or else it could be something else. Even after the drinking incident, these people were nice to me, invited me to things, etc. I never even knew they were upset about the drinking thing until this past weekend, when he brought it up to me.

 

After practice yesterday, I did have a word with the titular head of our whole group (since I am part of their court and household). He knows about the drinking incident since I camped with their household. He also has been involved in the SCA for a lot longer than I have, and knows the workings of the different subgroups (households) in our kingdom.

 

I wanted to know if people in the SCA hold a drinking incident against someone for a long time. He was surprised that they were upset about it, esp since a lot of people drink at these camping events and get really sloshed to the point of being close to needing medical attention. And the people of that group of people I hang with (this guy kinda guessed which group it was), they have a bunch of misfits and weirdos in there and he has seen people get drunk in that group and cause havoc and problems and still been a part of that group and not had issues with them over that. Overall, he is surprised that they are upset with me. When I told him that they had a talk with me about it, the first thing he said was "was it P who approached me about it and talked to me about it". I was like "no".

 

Apparently, "P" might be the one that is really upset about it, since he tends to be uptight about certain issues. If he was upset about it, why was he still so nice and friendly and joking around with me????

 

I don't understand people's psyche.

 

I'm not sure right now what to think. For now, I will just not associate with this certain group as much and see if it blows over. I still will fence. The titular head still welcomes me and I am also a part of their group too. He told me if it doesn't work out with that household, there are other households/groups i can join and be friends with, who will also accept me.

[KG]

Ren,

I think you are overeading this. All groups have dynamics, and some people change their behaviour. If you are comfortable with spending less time with them, go ahead. But if you value their friendships, then take it at face value. Continue what has been working so far.

You sound like a great friend.

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally, I don't want to spend less time with them, but I get the sense they are pulling away from me, or maybe uncomfortable with me. I worry I have a tendency to overwhelm my friendships, by maybe glomming onto them too much (like establishing a consistency of hanging out over there). I don't try to overstay welcome. I do bring food and a lot of times, they called me over to hang out.

 

I try hard to be a good friend. Sometimes I think I try too hard and it ultimately backfires on me.

[free2Bme]

I totally think you should just carry on as you were.

 

The girl who said about playing upper level WoW and then didn't invite you round immediately, maybe it was simply because they were going to play upper, you said you're not very good at it right?

 

If you're in with a group of people, not all of those people are going to act the same or be in the same mood all the time so keep that in mind. People have their own issues, and if someone seems a bit off, it's quite possibly something they're dealing with.

 

Anyway, it seems like you all get on great, the best thing would be to chill out and just enjoy their company, I do think you're over-reading it x

[renaissancewoman101]

I hope so. I know they were upset with me about a drinking incident at a camping event, that happened a few weeks back. It is just that these are new friends that I made rather recently and maybe me trying to glom onto them too quickly may be an issue. I dunno. It isn't as though I always invite myself over there. They invite me over a lot too, or they used to.

[free2Bme]

When you got drunk, did something specific happen that may have annoyed them? Perhaps you needing them to look after you while you were in that state was a little annoying. Not sure, just thinking here.

 

Have they invited you since the incident? Or has it been you having to ask since then?

[renaissancewoman101]

When you got drunk, did something specific happen that may have annoyed them? Perhaps you needing them to look after you while you were in that state was a little annoying. Not sure, just thinking here.

 

Have they invited you since the incident? Or has it been you having to ask since then?

 

The few things that happened after I got drunk was that people needed to look after me (since I was running around and being stupid), but they weren't the ones that really looked after me. It was mostly the people I was camping with. They did talk to me about this last week (which I was very apologetic). The guy who talked to me, told me that people were kind of annoyed with me about that night and didn't know how to bring it up to me. So, he volunteered to talk to me about it. They just were concerned if this was something I did often and should be something they should be concerned at the next camp event in May. He also told me that if I did this a lot, it could cost me friendships. I thought we worked things out that night, since they said everything was ok.

 

I did mention that I liked someone in that group, which they all knew about (including that guy), since it was pretty obvious. I dunno.

 

I'm not sure what I did say while I was drunk. I know I didn't do anything bad. I remember apologizing to people for being drunk and that it wasn't something I usually did. I did fall into people's laps, but that was it.

 

The titular head of our group, he was suprised that they were upset about this. He said that a lot of people do get drunk at these events, and that group of people shouldn't be upset, since they have had people from their own group get drunk enough to need medical attention.

 

This whole drunken incident happened about three weeks ago. SInce then, they have invited me over for a few things (two WoW runs and one BBQ). I never had any idea they were upset about the whole drunken incident, until this past weekend when they brought it up to me.

[CallingAllAngels]

^A lot of people get drunk while camping, so I am not sure why they are making such a big deal about this. It's not like you were throwing up on them, right?

[jenny_mcs]

I REALLY think you need to let this go. It's not that big of a deal. You drank too much and acted out of character, and since these are fairly new friends, they were a little concerned, so one of them asked you about it. You let him know this was out of character for you, and since you said yourself that you usually don't drink, and won't get out of control like that in the future, the problem should be solved.

 

But by going around, and bringing it up to different people, and continuing to talk about it, you are making it a much bigger deal than it has to be. Just because this is the #1 thing occupying YOUR mind, does not mean that these other people are constantly thinking and talking about it. I bet they have forgotten about it by now.

 

My mom said something to me in high school that I have never forgotten and think was very practical advice. I was agonizing over something embarrassing that has happened to me at school the previous week, and she said "Look, you're being silly. Do you really think that this whole group of people is going around talking, discussing and thinking about YOU constantly? No! They are all thinking about things that have to do with themselves! Just let it go, you're the ONLY one still thinking about this."

 

You need to take a deep breathe and let this go. Ren getting drunk and acting silly at a camp out is not the #1, #2, #3, or even #100 thing occupying your new friends' thoughts. Just carry on as normal, stop bringing it up, and enjoy your new friendships and ne activities.

[renaissancewoman101]

CallingAllAngels, no I didn't throw up on them. I did need them to watch out after me (although the people in that group really weren't the ones following me around making sure I didn't hurt myself). The people in my own camp did that. All I did was wander over to their camp a lot, apologizing to them and to others for being the way I was.

 

As our titular head said, "I am an adult and don't need someone to watch over me", and in a way, those people were treating me like a little kid that needed to be watched over.

 

I dunno.

[CallingAllAngels]

CallingAllAngels, no I didn't throw up on them. I did need them to watch out after me (although the people in that group really weren't the ones following me around making sure I didn't hurt myself). The people in my own camp did that. All I did was wander over to their camp a lot, apologizing to them and to others for being the way I was.

 

As our titular head said, "I am an adult and don't need someone to watch over me", and in a way, those people were treating me like a little kid that needed to be watched over.

 

I dunno.

 

Let it go Renny...it's just not worth getting that upset about.

 

You can't change the past but you can ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. (Note I have that in my quote)

 

Smile...tomorrow is Friday.

[JadedStar]

I absolutely agree with Jenny MCS. You have already discussed this, it was explained why it was a concern, you seemed to be satisfied with the outcome of that discussion, and it was put to rest. If you keep bringing it up you willl make it appear far worse than it is. I agree that these people are not allowing this episode to occupy their thoughts like you are.

 

The only thing I would say might be concerning is if were P that was the only one or main one concerned about the drinking night because he is the one you are attracted to. If he is the one who brought it up then likely that isn't going to look good for a dating possibility, but either way, you have to let this go. The drinking was from worry and so is all of this and you WILL push them away if you don't stop. You say on one thread you know it has to end and you will work harder on it, yet here you have another thread with a new issue to obsess about.

[renaissancewoman101]

Jenny mcs, thanks for your your input. I know this is not what is on everybody's mind. Actually, I had forgotten about this incident (or was trying to live it down), until this past weekend when that guy brought it to my attention that people were upset with me about it (and this was 2 weeks after the incident). From the way people were interacting with me the week after the incident, I thought it was all blown over and done with and just a topic for joking down the road.

 

Besides that guy bringing it to my attention about people being upset, I have only talked to one other person about it (the titular head of our main group). Mostly, I have vented on here, complained about it on here, worried about it on here, since this is relatively anonymous and no one from here knows me in real life.

 

I've just been on edge since from reading posts to my threads, it may have been considered to be a serious incident where people might question their friendship with me. It also doesn't help that I have a crush on one of the guy in the group.

[renaissancewoman101]

JS, I am obsessing about this issue on here and not blowing around about it all over town (which would be the bad thing to do). I did tell our titular head about this, because he knows how the group dynamics work in the SCA esp in our area, since he's been involved for a long time, he is now our new head of the SCA in our area, and he also works with me with my fencing. I wanted to make sure other people (besides that household), would not hold it against me. And I wanted a differing opinion than someone who is intimately involved in that group.

 

This guy probably won't talk about this because it isn't juicy gossip and doesn't affect him.

[renaissancewoman101]

The more I think about it, there is a possibility it could be P who brought it up and was annoyed about it, since he is very religious and can be a bit hypocritical about certain issues. I have gotten into a religious discussion with him and he does have some strongly-held beliefs.

 

But, he hasn't been any different to me since that whole incident. Still jokes around with me, invites me to group things. I dunno.

[renaissancewoman101]

Any other advice?

 

Do you think I glom onto friends too quickly and try to make a routine out of them, hence me maybe causing them to drift away?

[JadedStar]

Yes, I think you make them a routine too quickly and when that routine is slightly broken you flip out and obsess over it. You can't make them your everything and while you say they are not, your threads seem to be indicative that you rely and lean on them for way too much support. Of course friends are there FOR support but this is a group full of casual friends, thus, you can't lean on them TOO much. That is for the raelly close one on one friends that we make in life.

 

There isn't just any ONE particular issue that has cropped up with these guys that would make them migrate away, but there have been a series of little things that if they continue will cause this to happen.

 

Since you know the guy you like, P, is conservative, and the head titiular thinks he is the one who brought up the drinking concern, and then you shared your 'crush' with his other friend that was likely shared with him, i would take it real easy for awhile where he is concerned. Just act friendly but i would not be overtly flirtatious for awhile to give this time to settle down and see if he reacts to you with a more serious fondness then that of a casual friend. As of right now everything he has done has been casual and lighthearted humor and no evidence of anything more, so just let him lead the way for now in case a few of these things have alarmed him.

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess I may have been overreacting.

 

I just got a text from the mutual friend's gf. They are playing WoW tonight and will help me out with a dungeon and that they'll see me tonight.

 

I get so worried ALL THE TIME!!! And then I jump to conclusions.

 

Or else maybe they are doing this because she said she would text me today.

 

I am so distrusting of people (maybe because I've been hurt so many times in the past)