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This is a weird one...


gromalamaz

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...and I feel a little silly, but I'm a pretty caring person.

So, my ex and I have been SLOWLY seeing eachother every now and then (neither of us want to jump in head first and both of us are busy doing things to improve our respective selves/lives). We were supposed to do lunch this past Sunday, but he he called and left a message on Saturday to cancel b/c he had a friend coming up to help with a home renovation project (he just bought a house and is fixing it up). He left a message saying that he did want to get together, possibly for dinner during the week, and for me to give him a call back. I called back the next morning and left a message for him.

While I understood the circumstances of his canceling (this was the only time the guy could come up to help) I said that I was fine with him canceling as long as he didn't make a habit of it. He called back later that night and I could tell something was up. He told me that he was really sick -- that he had started with flu symptoms the night before and now his throat was swollen. I told him to feel better and he said that he would call me later on in the week. I called him yesterday evening after work and left a message to see how he was feeling and reschedule our dinner. By the time I was going to bed, he still hadn't returned my call.

Here's where it gets silly...my mind starts racing -- this week the news reported 2 teens dying from the flu in my state -- one of which was in his area. He works with students so I started thinking "OMG! What if he has the super strain?" What do I do? I call a couple times (no answer) and text him twice asking if he is okay. I texted him first thing this morning, again, stating that the timing of his flu is freaky and is he okay. He never responded. I feel like a dork for being such a worry-wart, but I thought it was odd that he didn't return my call last night. Now I'm a little concerned that he is now thinking "WTH?" Ugh! I hate it when I over-react!

While it's probably silly for me to think that I've freaked him out, I still think I may have...HELP!!!!!

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Just try and stay calm. I know how this feels when people don't reply and your mind races. The most logical conclusion is normally the correct one. I'm sure he is fine and I am sure he isn't freaked out. He will get back to you when he can i'm sure.

 

Geneticfreak

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Thanks Geneticfreak -- I appreciate it. I just feel like such a dork for being so fatalistic in my thinking and then acting like a lunatic calling and texting him. I still think it's freaky because he never gets sick and I could hear how swollen his throat was when we spoke briefly on Sunday.... I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I've been playing it very cool lately, taking things slow, making myself be patient and pacing myself with contact. Then this....

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Although I agree with Geneticfreak that he is probably fine and there is no need for you to worry, it really irritates me when people don't return calls or texts. I see a lot of that on here where ex's or partners don't reply. I mean if you're busy you can't reply and it make take up to a few hours, but days? I just don't get it. Esp with ex's who are acting interested up to a point and then just don't answer.

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Thanks all! Shoefairy -- I do agree - it irks me when phone calls are not returned. He just called a little while ago and was laughing -- said he felt better but wasn't 100%. We were talking about this crazy flu strain & how a lot of kids at his work had gotten the flu. He did not, however, say anything about not calling me back last night (aaargh!). He was on his way to meet up with a co-worker and his wife for a drink (he must be feeling better). I nailed him down about rescheduling dinner for next week and said he would drive out to me (a little over an hour these days - we moved 45minutes in opposite directions from the town that we lived in after we broke up).

 

I have to say that I am frustrated with this whole 'slowly trying it again' thing. I hate the fact that I am the one who has been initiating any contact or get-togethers. We met up for the first time since breaking up (September) at the beginning of February, went for a hike, and talked about a lot of things that had been going on in our lives and then tackled the relationship. He said that he had wanted to marry me, but was unable to get engaged because of finances (they were a mess for him after graduating grad school - he had just started his first job in his field when we broke up) and that he couldn't imagine taking care of me when he couldn't take care of himself (I also put a lot of pressure on him at that time about marriage too -- he said that was the biggest problem). He's living away from friends for the first time and is slowly discovering himself and transitioning into his new career field. He dropped me off after the hike and I brought up the whole "so what now" conversation. We both said that we had a great time and he said to give him a call to get together. I asked, "as friends"? And he said no - it would be disingenuous to do that because the feelings were too deep with the relationship that we had. I agreed that we could not be friends. I then asked if he wanted to try dating again. He said that he didn't want to label it, but we could 'hang out', and that he didn't want to immediately jump back in because we'd be right where we left off and that we still had a lot of talking to do. I agreed and said that I would not be calling him and that he had to initiate. Of course, two weeks later I broke my word and asked him to lunch for this past Sunday. It's been about a month since we last met and I have been the one to initiate any contact. I want to go slowly, but I'm starting to get frustrated that he does not call and initiate anything. I've called him 3 times in the last month (two of which were between last night and today).

 

I know a lot of people would say to go NC and walk away, but I truly believe that we can have a relationship stronger than ever if we work through it and try again. It's so darn frustrating because I know his focus is on remodeling his new home and work. Honestly, I'm learning a patience I've never had but it is REALLY frustrating!

 

Any advice is GREATLY appreciated! (JohnGalt -- you give some of the best advice!)

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I know I'm now overthinking things, but I'm getting paranoid. He didn't return my call last night or texts last night or this morning (a lot of times he'll text me in the morning) and made no mention of it when we spoke tonight. (When we first started dating and he would come out to visit me, he usually left his phone in the car) He's meeting a co-worker and his wife for a drink tonight (weird to be the third wheel? part of it may be because his co-worker is coming to the town where he lives and suggested meeting up?). He said he'll drive to me to go out next week, after I had suggested that we could meet at a restaurant where he lives for lunch last Sunday. Do you think he's seeing someone where he lives, going on a double date tonight?

 

It's weird because he moved to the town that I had moved from to move in with him. I know all of the bars and restaurants, so is he just being nice to drive out to where I live for dinner or does he not want to bump into anyone where he lives? Aargh! I really hate feeling like this. At this point, I feel like I've taken MAJOR steps back emotionally...deep breathes (I know I sound crazy right now)!

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i know how you feel.. ur mind is racing and thinking about a 100 diffrent scenerios..

 

what u need to do is get your mind off the situation.. distract urself.. read a book, go watch a movie, go to the gym.. try not to think about it..

 

if u want my advice.. im not going to say go NC, but stop chasing him..

 

if he really and truly wants to marry u.. he isnt going to put house renovations first, he would make time 4 u..

 

remember.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOADER THEN WORDS!

 

let him prove that to u..

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i know how you feel.. ur mind is racing and thinking about a 100 diffrent scenerios..

 

what u need to do is get your mind off the situation.. distract urself.. read a book, go watch a movie, go to the gym.. try not to think about it..

 

if u want my advice.. im not going to say go NC, but stop chasing him..

 

if he really and truly wants to marry u.. he isnt going to put house renovations first, he would make time 4 u..

 

remember.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOADER THEN WORDS!

 

let him prove that to u..

 

Thank you, hulk. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I've gotten the answer over and over. He doesn't want to try again, if he did, he would make movements towards that. My head just doesn't match up with my heart. I had done SO well being NC until we met last month (and was feeling MUCH better and in control of things) -- at his request, to talk (and take care of the deposit from the house we rented together). Once we met and I initiated the convo about where we go from there, that's when I started going 'downhill' again. I need to go NC because he does not want to be with me -- he just doesn't have the gumption to SAY it point-blank. I just HATE the fact that he will agree to meet up for dinner, etc., instead of just telling me the truth. ESPECIALLY after we had the whole 'can't be friends' discussion. To be honest, it really is like a puch in the gut again. I just can't understand why it's so difficult to be honest and up-front about it...

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he doenst want to hurt ur feelings and say no to dinner..

 

instead he keeps making excuses and keeps brushign it off and hoping u forget or stop trying..

 

u worth more then that..

 

take control of the situation.. i know its hard, but be strong..

 

u will feel so much better about urself knowing that u were strong enough to get through this..

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I know you probably wont want to hear this, but it doesn't sound like he is that interested in trying again at this point. I am all for taking it slowly but this is just ridiculous. How is it ever going to go anywhere if you never see each other and he hardly bothers to answer your calls or texts?

 

If I am right and he isn't interested, then he is behaving very badly towards you and should have the decency to be honest with you instead of stringing you along.

 

I think you should stop contacting him altogether for the time being and see if he makes any contact with you.

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