What is love???

[stayhappy]

I have been thinking about this age old question for a while now and am interested to hear everyone's individual takes on the concept of love.

 

I am currently in my second serious relationship of my life and my behaviour in this relationship is notably different from the 6 year relationship I came out of last year. In that relationship I was totally "in love" or at least I thought I was.

 

The reason I say this is because it has become apparent to me that this love that I had experienced was more an obsessive love and not necessarily a genuine one. I had the butterflies at the beginning, the checking my phone to see if they had contacted me. Texting them whilst at work and basically giving everything I could to the relationship. I must have been pretty irritating but he stayed with me for 6 years so full credit is due.

 

Now I am in a relationship with someone who is perfect for me in many ways and is the kindest, easiest, non demanding person I have experienced for a long time but my behaviour is totally different to before. I am very calm about the relationship, I'm not checking my phone or worrying about what he's up to. I enjoy spending time with him, I look forward to seeing him, we have the same sense of humour and I can be my slightly eccentric probably annoying self around him and he totally gets me!!!

 

What I'm basically coming to is that love to me means being "obessive" and because I'm not being obessive and being very relaxed about the whole relationship it's all a bit alien to me. Will I fall in genuine love or am I in love already? Do I need to obsess about someone to believe that that is love?

 

(It's worth mentioning that in my last relationship I was 23 and it was my first and now I'm 30 this year!)

So.. I'd be interested to hear everyones personal interpretations of love and what it means to them.

[mca1975]

Hi stayhappy, I am exactly the same as you.

 

I also am used to the obssessive love you describe, all my life in fact. It feels strange when you are finally with someone who does not make you feel like you have to check your phone every 5 minutes or wonder what they are up to. It means that you feel secure with them and that may be a first for you, I know it is for me! It doesn't mean that you are not 'in love' with them or don't 'love' them. I have loved a lot in my time, I have loved a lot but realised after it wasnt love in my time, but I have come to the conclusion now that we all love different people throughout our lives in different ways. This is the best love I have experienced, I've never felt so secure, loved and cared about in my life! Makes a nice change from all those years of waiting for losers to respond to my text/phone calls and crying myself to sleep!

 

I had a terrible time adjusting to this of late, but I have finally adjusted after 4 months and I feel very happy!

 

Lastly, my view on love is that it can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you feel happy. Its very easy to confuse lust with love, but at the time it feels like love, or maybe it is, but of a different kind? The love I feel right now anyway, is on a much deeper level than I have experienced before, a more honest level, a deeper understanding of each other. A feeling of total trust and a feeling that I can truly be myself and he loves me for it, faults and all, and vice versa.

[Geneticfreak]

I would say feeling secure too. I had that obsessive love going on with my ex. Constantly wondering what she was doing, checking whether she had contacted me or not and when it all bolis down to it, with her, it was a trust issue. That was just my personal experience and comes from my paranoid nature. Doesn't help also when her brother is constantly telling you she is going to ruin my life and all her friends were male, but hey! He was right in the end. Haha!

 

Also, if this is your second serious relationship you probably aren't feeling as much pressure so just taking it much calmer which in my opinion is a better way to start a relationship. Enjoy it!

 

Geneticfreak

[mca1975]

Yes I agree, you must know deep down that you dont need to be "constantly on guard" to check that this person wants to be with you and, therefore, you are not constantly looking for signs of any withdrawal, which I believe is what I've been doing all my life. But there is no need for that, with someone you trust.

[stayhappy]

Thanks for all your feedback, I have to say I agree with each of your posts and you've each summed up pretty much how I feel.

 

Bit of a change though, yesterday he told me that he loved me! I was afraid of this lol because there's been so many times I've wanted to say the same to him but because it's only been a few months I've been holding back.

Anyway I told him I loved him too, I'm not IN love right now but I do love him and I have been wanting to say it for a while. He's so sweet that I couldn't not say it because he'd be really hurt.

 

As mentioned in my first post, I'm gonna have to come to terms with what love is now, as unless I'm being all obsessed I wouldn't know love if it hit me in the face so I'm still trying to figure that one out. I do know that him telling me he loved me didn't freak me out and it was really sweet of him, I was just putting it off for as long as possible and now I feel a bit bad saying it back when I'm not totally there.

[tinydancer81]

Love is when you feel completely secure with someone and you dont feel like your 'obsessed' with them, you dont know where they are but you dont worry and you just feel so happy and relaxed with them, there are no fronts or fake behaviour, you are completely yourself around them. And for me its just this feeling of knowing that you love them and they love you, you dont need reassurance and you to be told every 5 mins. You can just feel it in your heart.

[Nixee]

I can honestly relate a lot to what you have written stayhappy. I find myself wondering a lot about love lately, when once I thought I knew sooo much about it... funny, isn't it? And I too find myself recently involved with someone who makes me feel calm and comfortable around him, and never worried about if and when he'll call... so here I am freaking out and wondering if I'll even be capable of falling "madly in love" with him.

 

I think it is hard to say. I think there has to be a balance though... a balance between that calm, comfy feeling as well as a rush of excitement and "butterflies" or whatever. Obsession is bad, but your significant other should definitely excite you.

 

If you love him but don't feel IN love with him.... give it a chance to grow to that point maybe, but also be aware of your gut feelings. If you ever think your feelings just aren't growing enough... you don't have to force it. Love doesn't have to be and shouldn't be obsession... but I do think you should eventually FEEL "in love". I'm hoping to feel that way again someday... mutually.