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80% healed, but the 20% is stubbornly stuck


sad_panda
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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We all know that even when we are progressively getting better, some days will be inevitably bad. Take today, for example. It's not a good day for me, oh no.

 

But before I discuss why today is a bad day, let me tell you about my progress so far. It has only been three months since my ex-bf dumped me but I'm doing relatively fine. I faced my grief head-on, cried buckets and buckets of tears, wallowed in my pain, took responsibility of my shortcomings, and accepted the blame he put on my shoulders (it was a "it's not me, it's you" kind of break-up). I did nothing but blame myself, feel guilty, and wish I could turn back time to make everything right.

 

Then I found out by accident that my ex left me for another girl. I craved to know more until I was sure. It was self-torture, what I went through, but I wanted to know what was really going on because I was tired of carrying all the blame.

 

So after I confirmed that he hooked up with a girl from his work just a few days after we broke up, I bounced back fast, using my anger as the fuel to keep me going. Finally, I no longer blamed myself, and myself alone. I was able to see not only my shortcomings, but his as well. I was able to recognize that we just weren't a good match, and that I settled down for less when I chose to be with him. Slowly the anger I felt towards my ex dissipated and gave way to understanding because the time apart made me realize that I really didn't love him that much in the first place.

 

It was easy to pick myself up after that. I went out more, did the things I've always wanted to try, reached out to old friends, reconnected with my family, became active in church, etc. I started dating again around mid-February, and I've been having a blast ever since.

 

But of course, as I said, there will still be bad days. Today is one. I'm not yet completely healed--only 80%. However, the remaining 20% is so hard to overcome. It's like the last 10 pounds--they're always the hardest to get rid of. So close and yet so far!

 

Why is today a bad day? Well, it's the anniversary of the day we met. We celebrated our anniversary as an official couple in June, but we also celebrated March 5th for the last couple of years.

 

I found myself crying (something I haven't done in weeks), wondering why I haven't heard from him (with the exception of his birthday greeting to me) at all. I felt so forgotten, so set aside. So this was it? Two and a half years, all down the drain? I should be happy that he isn't bothering me, that he's letting me heal in peace. Most of the time, I am happy. But today, his persistent silence made me feel miserable. His silence means that he is happy with his new girl, that he no longer wants me at all, and that he may even be relieved that I'm not disturbing him with any form of contact.

 

The sad thing is, I don't want him back. But I have to admit that every now and then I find myself wishing he would come back just so I could reject him. The 20% that's stopping me from healing completely is still angry and resentful, and still resistant to the idea that yes, it's possible that I'm replaceable and forgettable after all.

 

It's this stupid 20%, this equivalent of the last ten pounds, that's weighing me down.

 

Am I too hard on myself? It has only been three months, after all. But I just want to reach the stage of not caring at all whether or not he comes back. How do I get there?

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In the same boat as you here. Been 6 months for me and weirdly, I am having bad day today as well.

 

It seems to me though, that you know how to get over it as you have been doing it. Going out and having fun. I don't know if you will ever completely stop caring for someone you felt strongly about for 2.5 years but as you have said, it has got easier and will get easier. Important dates in your ex relationship will always be hard. Especially the first time after it. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Just know you are better off without someone who can just discard you like nothing and get out there and find someone better!

 

Geneticfreak

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Hi Sad Panda

 

Yes - you are being too hard on yourself! At the end of the day it has only been 3 months so you should be patting yourself on the back for just how far you have come.

 

All you can do is to give this a bit more time. Healing definitely is not linear so there are going to still be down days. But slowly and surely, the crappy 20% will disappear, largely because you will be sick to the back teeth wasting emotions on someone who is not even in your life anymore.

 

Keep your chin up eh and keep doing what you are doing.

 

Mark

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wow panda i know exactly how you feel ... you summed my feelings up amazingly.

 

i agree with the others ... i think a part of will always love her .. i know that from experience as somewhere in the corners of my heart , i still have some love and caring for my other ex'es ... and i know too , will always have anger and resentment for how she rejected that love and went to someone else ...

 

but the one thing i've learned .. give time time ... and these feelings will receed .. never go away completely , but the bad days become few and farther in between .. but truthfully there are days when i think wistfully about my first love at 17 .. so it never goes away completely ever ....

 

love is just another addiction , and like an addiction it takes time to fully recover .. don't beat yourself up

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Thanks everyone. My ex is my first real BF and my first real heartbreak. I have no clue if I'm on the right track. I guess I'm too hard on myself, I tend to be impatient at times LOL.

 

I'm bracing myself for June 20th, the date of our anniversary. But it's still three months away and maybe by then I won't even care! ^_^ Or maybe a little, but pretty much inconsequential hehe.

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