Jump to content

First counselling session since depression got worse...

Recommended Posts

Soo, I thought I'd write about it just in case anyone's interested or if it helps lurkers or whatever. But I had my first appointment for counselling on campus. It was strange at first, I was told I had been booked with the wrong person, I'd been booked for someone who deals with kids with learning disabilities. I was annoyed because days have been slipping by and I thought I'd mentally prepared myself for nothing, but she said she'd talk to me if I wanted. I knew it would be better than keeping quiet so I consented. I was trying not to act like a weirdo but I got so nervous I avoided saying anything and kept nodding and shaking my head as I filled out forms, but eventually I ended up pouring my heart out. I was just so sick of carrying everything around. I didn't tell any of my experiences in huge detail but I pretty much listed everything in my life that I think makes me feel the way I do. In a way though it was like when you've come to the point where you're ready to throw a tantrum but you're not yet releasing the energy. When time was up I was so frustrated, I said, "I feel so much worse than before." She said it was natural because I'd just said so much about myself.

At first I thought it was a really bad idea. I feel like everything I said shocked her even though it wasn't my intent, even small things like the way I've been acting, and not just experiences from my life. And I hated the awkward silences after I said things when she would just stare at me in wonder. But overall I liked being able to tell her things. It was nice to have someone neutral to believe what I'm going through is very real to me.

Something I noticed though was that she didn't take notes. The previous people I spoke too always wrote down things I said or did in the room. I don't know if it's because she's not taking me seriously until I see the psychotherapist, a male this time for the first time. Because I have been booked to see one on campus in three weeks, but she's going to talk to me until then since I said I wanted that. It's going to be frustrating to open up to yet another person. And then to top it all off school's out in April and I don't know if I'm going to continue seeing that person over the summer or find someone new yet again in the city I live in with my parents. So yeah, I came in feeling awful, came out feeling even more awful, and somehow I feel that it's the best I can do. Thoughts?

Link to comment

The thing with counseling is that it often does get worse before it gets better. People often feel worse at first and that is because you are expelling so much from your body and soul.

It's important that you feel safe and comfortable with your counselor. The relationship is the #1 indicator as to whether or not counseling will be successful so see her a couple more times and really ask yourself if this is the person you want to do all your work with.

I agree though, stick with it and congrats on reaching out! I commend you on your bravery to seek help!

Link to comment

yea, i just went to my first appointment the other day too. she did the staring thing.. it was uncomfortable having the conversation so one sided. i feel bad everytime italk about it and i told her that i didn't want to just talk about it... i want to get over it and forget it... i'm sick of talking about it because talking has got me no where. she explained to me that she needed to understand where i was coming from and that it does tend to get worse before better... but then she also geared the session to more about how i could feel better and get rid of all the anger/hurt/etc.


basically, they need to know whats going on with you before they can help you get over it, you know? it's good to let it out and have someone understand it ... instead of just pitying you. i loved that she didn't give me the pity look. i'm pretty vocal about what i want/how i want things though... so she didn't have to try and read my mind so much. so my advice is to be more vocal with your counsellor and explain what you want. also take time to think about your goal, your issues, tell her what you've tried and what you haven't, etc...

Link to comment

I think its a first good step.I do remember flipping the tables on one of my psychologist she was crying on my shouder...wish I could charge like them.


Just keep going..those people are pretty good for it and the release of emotion is a positive step..

Link to comment

Wow top bloke... I can't imagine. I doubt anyone would be willing to spill to a nineteen year old girl though lol. I'm always curious about their lives but never find out a thing, I could never ask and they'd never tell.

I'm glad it worked out/ is working for you guys. I hope the same happens for me. I'm doing my best to be hopeful.

Last night though, I found it impossible to fall asleep. Aside from the time I took an antidepressant which didn't agree with me, I'm never an insomniac. I usually fall asleep minutes after my head touches the pillow. But I remember a good deal of tossing and turning and lying awake with my eyes open from last night. It was awful, all I could do was think negative thoughts and think about what I said during my session. I was thinking such thoughts as people having been through way more trauma than me, and thinking I'd never survive if something worse would happen to me. I'm just not emotionally strong enough it seems. I didn't think the session would make me feel so awful yet I feel like I must tough it out.

I just wish I could see one person from now until whenever the end is and that's it instead of switching because someone just doesn't have time for me. I'm a person, and I know it's a job and they have to be fair but the way they sometimes treat me is killing me. It was not my fault I was booked with the wrong person and now I'm being made to open up to someone, and then someone else in three weeks.

I think my first session was good for taking a leap and telling her so much of what's been unsaid, a bunch of little disconnected things that have impacted me. Hopefully next time I can actually get some satisfaction, but she didn't write a thing down. And I was so tempted to tell her to stop looking at me like that but it would have been childish.

She is just talking to me to try to help until I can see the psychotherapist though. Anyone know what that is and how it's different? Sounds kinda scary to be honest...

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...