What do I do? What do I do? - really need ur advice!

[needurhelp]

Is it space or is it over? - REALLY need your advice!

I've been dating my girlfriend since August '08... so not a very long time. However, I have known and been infatuated with this girl since 2001 and have been very close to her ever since. We have been attracted to each other ever since we first met, but one of us was always dating someone else. Finally, now that we're a bit older and established (we're both 29) and "available", there was an opportunity to date each other.

 

I need to explain how this whole relationship started back in August. Everyone makes mistakes, and she admits to making a big one... she was basically a mistress to this guy she worked with for a half a year - and this guy had a family. The guy told his wife what happened (also in August '08 ) and it naturally created huge drama (as you would expect)- so this guy decided to work it out with the wife and kids, and the relationship with my current gf ended... well, sorta.

 

For the first 3 months that we dated, this ex bf was emailing her 10 (no exaggeration) heart wrenching emails a day - telling her how he still loved her, how his life was over, yaddy yaddy yadda. She would read these emails, but not reply. Occasionally she would reply with something very light - but she told him that she was with me now and that their relationship was over. She stopped talking about him back in November and whenever I asked, she said that the emails had really died down. She even said that he was the "biggest mistake of her life, and regrets ever talking to him". I could tell she felt responsible and felt terrible for the pain that she caused that family - she is still suffering internally for it.

 

Anyway, when this affair ended, I was sort of right on the scene. In fact, we were hanging out daily while she was going through this break up. She cried a few times over him, and for a while she was drinking a lot. After about a week or 2 we were dating and she was "with me".

 

Over the last few months our relationship has been great. I'm the first guy that her parents have fully approved of. All of our friends are interconnected and we have a ton of support from them. We've kept it fresh going on dates, spending nights in, etc. We have all of the same interests from sports, to movies, tv shows, music, concerts, books, food, humour.. you name it. We both admit that we've never had a partner that we were so compatible with (She's a leo and i'm an aries).

 

Her family has put a little bit of pressure on her to "pick me" as of late. In fact, her mom has been emailing me regularly telling me that i'm part of their family and that they love me.

 

At the same time - in mid January she began studying for her CFA exam. She has attempted it a few times in the past, but never stuck with it because the material was quite overwhelming. It's something like 12 massive text books to be covered within 5 months with an exam pass rate of 30%. Anyway, once she started studying for this exam, our relationship started going down hill. She was always stressed, and never had time to do anything fun. Her sex drive dropped tremendously.

 

At the same time, her job became very unstable. She lost most of her life savings on the stock market, and then recently her co-worker (who she sits next to and is very close with)'s boyfriend was murdered and my gf was the only one "there for her" during the whole ordeal.

 

Over the last 2 weeks, I could really feel our relationship slipping. She went from hanging out with me literally every day - to seeing me once a week. We spent the Valentine's Day weekend together and had an amazing time. It was close to 4 days straight and she was happy - we were intimate several times that weekend. Only, the last time we were together, apparently she had sex with me and didn't want to - she claims she was crying and that I didn't understand her feelings (I did not see this at the time - however it was a bad experience that I regret).

 

So she avoided me these last 2 weeks- with minimal texting and calling. We went out on Friday night and she told me that she didn't feel good about our relationship anymore. She said that i'm "the perfect guy" for her - and that 95% of our relationship was exactly what she wants in life (the 5% referring to the recent lack of sexual chemistry). She told me for the first time to my face that "she loves me".

 

THEN she told me that all along she has had a problem. She never had a chance to "get over" her last relationship. Apparently she needed more time before starting this relationship with me - and felt like that had always been an issue. She said by not having that transition time, she couldn't become "infatuated" with me at the beginning- which was important to her. She does not want to reconnect with this ex, but needs to clear her head and start fresh (I believe this ex is still emailing her).

 

She said she doesn't want to be with anyone right now - and just wants to focus on studying for this test. She's very confused - she told me she doesn't know what she wants. She said i'm the logical choice and that if I loved her, I would wait for her to be ready and not date anyone else in the meantime. She then said she wants me to in her life and could see herself marrying me one day.

 

So she told me this on Friday and I was very upset. She tried texting me Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then Tuesday saying we needed to talk. I haven't replied to any of her texts ... or just gave her one word answers "yes" or "no".

 

I don't really have anything to say to her at this point - I don't know how to feel. Meanwhile, her mom is emailing me still (mom doesn't know what's going on right now) and neither do our friends...

 

I know that I love her - but i'm hurt that she's leaving on #1 a bad recent sexual experience with me #2 that we're even talking about this ex of hers after so many months. #3 what's with this transition period?? I don't get it

 

We have tickets to see Fleetwood Mac in 2 weeks... not sure what to do between now and then. She asked for space - do I ignore her so that she realizes how much she misses me? If i talk to her/text her regularly, she'll have that comfort of knowing i'm there- then how will she become infatuated with me? Maybe we don't talk for a week or so and then we go on a "date" to fleetwood?

 

please help - i can't talk to my friends- they all know her as do my coworkers..

[Xplode]

mate dont make the mistake i did..

 

just leave her... if i had of left mine well alone like she wanted, and just let her do the calling she would have had time 4 weeks ago to work this now.. insted of dragging feelings out and never coming any close to conclusion.

 

good luck

[dan10]

i know this may sound ridiculous and to simple to work... but i think that you should stop treating her like a girlfriend, and just treat her like a friend. i understand where she is coming from because that period in between different people is very important and i know from experience. but when you said that she wouldnt mind marrying you and that she said if you love her you'll wait and not go out with other girls... i think she still really likes you and wants to be with you but she needs to work out things in her mind before she can have a stable relationship with you. and to be honest she's doing you a favor. if she didnt do this and some day you got married and 20 years later this came up after festering inside her for that long it could be alot worse.

 

so talk to her and tell her that if she needs space you'll give it to her and you'll just be her friend, but i dont think you should just wait around. and you need to tell her that. it is very very important to tell her if you think you may go out with someone else. if she says no to that then maybe you shouldnt be with her anyways because she doesnt put your happiness very high on her priority list.

 

however if you do go out dating and you dont want to be with this girl anymore tell her immediately. or you will hurt her alot.

 

i know i was kind of random in alot of that so if it is unclear please let me know and i'll try to clerify it. otherwise good luck