introducing myself

[tomandtomm]

I apologize for such a long post. I honestly did not intend anything but a few paragraphs, but ended up writing a book.

Hello I just wanted to introduce myself, and didn't know which thread to put it in so I started a new one.

four years ago, but still feels like yesterday,on new years eve,,12/31/05 my father,Tom, who had recently fallen ill and passed away, at barely 50 years old. A fit and active Lineman, (as in Lineman for the county not football) it couldn't have been less expected. Evidentially he had had myasthenias Gravis, unbeknownst to anyone. We could not have been less prepared for his passing. In truth, even now there are nights when he is alive in my dream world. In those mornings, upon waking, I am first flooded with such relief to know that the horrible and unfathomable world where my dear sweet Dad is gone was nothing but a nightmare and everything is right in the universe. And Then my head clears. I am kicked in the guts and cannot breathe. Friends have long since stopped asking the dreaded, "How are you feeling? Are you alright?" which is a relief in a way. If I have to hear anymore tripe about "Gods Plan" or how I should rejoice at his being in a better place etc, I just might send said questioner to said better place myself. I am NOT a christian (and trust me,I have tried to be) and some of the well meaning christian relatives and friends have said some incredibly thoughtless and cruel things while trying to use my fathers passing to help me be reborn etc.

My Mother and I attended a grief support group, recommended by my paternal Aunts and Grandparents. The first few weeks it was moderately helpful. About six weeks in we showed up to find a freaking party set up (including balloons and streamers literally) and found that the topic for the evening was letting go and celebrating our beloveds imminent return and our reconciliation after the rapture. We didn't speak during that particular meeting, as we did know that it was a "Christian Gathering" and did not want to disrespect the rest of the group. Thinking that the group would return to its casual roundtable style meeting the next week, we went back one more time. Only this time was very different. The Woman who had been running the meetings previously introduced those of us who were not parishioners to their Minister, Who went on to rant and proselytize. We were all sinning in our grief, read some references about Absoloms Death and explained to us in laymens terms, that in the bible "his dad wailed like a spoiled child," and that continuing to wallow in our grief was not only a weakness that Christians should not have,but that, like Absoloms Father, (David I think?)but that, our grief comes at the cost and discomfort of those around us. We were so shaken and already broken that it seemed impossibly cruel to have to endure this lunatics ranting and scoldings, making eye contact with most of the group at varying times through out, while his facial expressions varied schizophrenically, from that of a disappointed parent, to that of a high spirited child who is on the verge of excitedly blurting out some wonderful surprise or secret that he was entrusted not to tell you. I went outside, cried, waited for my mother, and hated myself, and the Minister, and the relatives who sent us here.

To clarify something, I could not leave of my own accord,without my mother. I have Muscular Dystrophy and my Husband had lent our van to my mom so that she could drive her and I to the meeting

Eventually she came out and I had to pull myself together for her sake. We never went back. We have each other but I have already far outlived my life expectancy. My Parents spent my whole life trying to make the most of the time that they would have with me while still preparing themselves for my death, (which my sister has recently announced is the reason for every stupid, reckless, dangerous, childish decision she has ever made) it never occurred to any of us that they wouldn't have each other to help make it through my death. This still feels like a mistake. Like I am waking up in the wrong Universe. My Sister was the one with a risky lifestyle. I was the one who wasn't supposed to make it to my twenties. My Dad doesn't die. It is not supposed to be this way. I did not end up marrying my first love Tomm after high school as planned because I couldn't stand the idea of him being widowed so young. I self righteously broke his heart, "for his own good," and he died two years later from complications after having a brain tumor successfully removed. I never thought that there could be more pain then there was back then; But that loss, as all consuming as it felt was but a drop. Having had many childhood friends who also had Dystrophy I have been no stranger to loss, and the cruel irony of "My" Tomms' death, (as an able bodied boy barely old enough to drink, as he was finally getting himself back together from being unceremoniously dumped) was not lost on me. Eventually it became a bearable pain though. Why doesn't this? When others lose their loved ones and appear to be healing, or moving on are they putting on a fake smile as I do? As my poor broken Mother does? I have a recurring dream where a dark clad figure pulls my heart and then my lungs out of my chest and then disappears with them, but I am somehow still breathing, then somehow I am at my doctors office, (or the hospital and once at the veterinarians office) waiting to be seen, my mother is there and is sans heart as well. My sister walks out and smiles tells me what she is there for, (this part changes: once she had had a tattoo removed another she was getting her appendix out another time a suspicious mole was removed probably it is just because she has actually had to have each of those done) Then she asks why I am there. and I say "Someone stole my organs." and I lift up my shirt to show her. She looks confused and then she says "Well yeah hon, I know....But what are you being seen for TODAY?"

It is a horrifying dream but I guess it sums up how I feel.

J

[Cuppedia]

Hello, welcome to the forum.

 

I guess it's impossible for me to relate to most of what goes on in your life but the whole "this person wasn't supposed to die first" thing has happened in my family more than once and same as you it was awful to hear people come up with all sorts of theories that were supposed to make me feel better.

 

It's very hard when others not only can't seem to relate but they also push you to ignore your own feelings as if anything related to them really depended on it.

 

So, I guess all I can tell you is to be sad for as long as you feel you have to, but if you feel like you want to be happy, for a while or just a moment, give yourself the chance to experience that also.

[tomandtomm]

Hello, welcome to the forum.

 

I guess it's impossible for me to relate to most of what goes on in your life but the whole "this person wasn't supposed to die first" thing has happened in my family more than once and same as you it was awful to hear people come up with all sorts of theories that were supposed to make me feel better.

 

It's very hard when others not only can't seem to relate but they also push you to ignore your own feelings as if anything related to them really depended on it.

 

So, I guess all I can tell you is to be sad for as long as you feel you have to, but if you feel like you want to be happy, for a while or just a moment, give yourself the chance to experience that also.

Thank you so much for responding cuppedia, I had pretty much given up anyone responding to me. I have been in a very low place recently, and this was the first time, (since the church debacle) that I had reached out to anyone in a non traditional sense. I was actually logging on today to cancel my account here.

As fearful as I was about talking to other grieving family members, I did feel a little bit better after pouring it all out, and I was sure there had to be some others out there who could relate. Every time that I logged on to see 0 replies I became more pathetic and irrational, and continued berating myself;

"Even perfect strangers can't relate to you."

"Even in a forum full of grieving people you are too pathetic to bother with." and even, "Maybe everyone thinks it should have been me."

 

You have no idea how much it helped to read your message. Thank you for your words, for they are wise. I do not know how few or far between your good days are; But please know that there is someone out here who is having a much better day, (at least for the moment) thanks to you.

J

[Cuppedia]

What you said to me was incredibly kind and beautiful (it made me cry) but that those words came from a person who has been through so much goes beyond anything I could express properly.

 

You are an amazing person and I hope you never give up because this world really needs people like you.

 

So, hmm, I have to say this forum can get complex at times, a message can go ignored for a week and a single "bump" reply can make it get several replies within a few hours, what's more, some 2005 messages have gotten replies out of nowhere so don't get discouraged, come back as often as you like and post as much as you want, it does help to know others are hearing us even if they don't always can say anything.

 

Right now I can't send you private messages (because you are a new user) but as soon as you have more posts you can contact me through that, and I could also send you my e-mail address then in case you ever want to talk.