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I need some advice


MiddleMan

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So I've been dating this girl for about 3 or 4 months now. immediately before we started dating, she broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years, which was her only relationship. (She is 20, I am 23) We work together, so we had quite a while to get to know each other before she ended it with him. I know I was an influence of that break up, but she insisted that she had been looking for a way out for a long time anyway.

 

She told me going in that she wasn't ready for a full relationship yet, which I understood and still am fine with. She told me from the beginning that she wanted to reserve the right to date guys other than me, which I understand and am okay with for the most part. We have been going very strong and happy for a few months now. So in the last week an a half or so, she has been acting very distant towards me, refusing to see me outside of work. She told me that she was hanging out with another guy on Saturday, which I kind of overreacted to, but I still said that I understood. So over the weekend, she was very sketchy, would barely talk to me, and had excuses to not be able to see me at all. I'm sure she hung out with that guy, but I didn't ask her, and I really am okay with it for the most part.

 

On Sunday night, I sent her a text message saying that I was disappointed that she couldn't even find half an hour to see me over the weekend, which really pissed her off. I admit, I was trying to make her feel bad, and she didn't like that. On Monday, she was very cold towards me. I basically had to force her to talk to me, about our relationship, etc. the problem is, she is very unemotional, and hates talking about problems. The only thing I could get out of her was that she got freaked out by me bothering her all weekend and really mad at me for making her feel bad. I asked if she wanted to break up, and she said no.

 

I wrote her a letter on Monday basically saying that if she didn't like me anymore, that I want to know. I told her I was ready to hear it if she wanted to break up. I laid it all out pretty clear, and gave her an easy opportunity to do so.

 

She wrote back saying that she doesn't want to break up, that she still likes me, but that she is afraid that our relationship was progressing too fast and going too smoothly. She said that she wants to take one step back for the time being, which really is okay with me. She has still been very distant since then, however, and does not seem interested in seeing me or talking to me at all.

 

So I guess my question is, what is going on with her? Is there a chance that she doesn't like me at all but for some reason was unwilling to tell me, even when I gave her a clear opportunity? I really like her, but I don't want to be with her if she is going to be like this. I suppose I am really just looking for some insight into her mind and actions, because I am clearly confused here. Does she just need me to back off for awhile? I'm willing to do what it takes to be with her, but I don't know what she wants. I won't be too upset if we break up, but I don't think that she wants to, and I don't either.

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Five years is a long time man! I don't blame her for wanting some space, even though I can imagine this will be tough for you. It sounds like she genuinely likes you, but she still wants to explore other options and maybe have a *little* breathing space. I would probably take a step back and not stress so much, by being super chill about it and acting like it doesn't really matter will probably mean a lot to her. If it's too hard for you then I would probably resort back to being friends. At least she was honest with you right? Maybe after a while of you not pursuing her, she will realize what she's been missing out on and give you a call!

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Well she said she had the right to see other guys in the beginning. This is kind of a weird setup - do you call her your girlfriend? Or is it "nonexclusive dating" with you being exclusive and her not?

 

I think that after 5 years of being tied to someone she just wants to date for the fun of it and not get all serious. You getting upset that you couldn't see her over the weekend is a very relationship-y, boyfriend-ish thing to do, and now she's acting distant, because she doesn't want a full-on relationship, which she explained when she said she wanted to take things slowly and was afraid of it going too fast.

 

I'd just back off. As soon as you stop calling/texting her and expressing a desire to hang out, she'll call you.

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Hon, do yourself a favor and leave this girl alone...geez, she broke up with a guy she was with for 5 years for christ sakes...she is young and don't know what she wants right now...give her space and alot of it!

 

Why are you allowing this insecure person to make the rules and say if she wants you or not?.. come on...you are in charge of your life not her!!!

 

And, since you work with her it's better you be very wary on that...because when things turn sour people start talking then jobs are lost.

 

Anyway, from what I understand on your post she mentioned that she wants to date around so she was actually being honest.

 

Just do your own thing and don't call, write, text, e-mail her and at work just be polite and start looking for others to date...business and pleasure don't mix!

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I'll tell you exactly whats going on. You are the rebound guy and based on my experience this relationship will not work, at least not now. Act any more pushy with her and she will drop you like a hot rock. I was in the same situation as you not once, but twice and I can tell you that I will stay clear of any girl who just got out of a few year relationship for at least a year unless they have me very well convinced they are totally into me. This is not the case with you so let me give you a tip, save yourself some nerves and potential heart break and back away and let her have her space or you will lose her even as a friend

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Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies.

 

Yeah, as most of you have said, I figure that I need to give her some space. I definitely realize that. The only reason I was confused is that before this incident, we were getting pretty close. I mean, she would get upset if I didn't call her or text her everyday, and we hung out pretty much every weekend night, and a few nights of every week too. I guess the thing that caught me off guard was the abrupt change. The weekend before this was probably most fun and closest we have been. It's almost like she got scared and went in to defense mode, or else she felt really guilty about making another date and kind of took it out on me.

 

I've never been in a rebound relationship before, so I suppose I have a learning curve to figure out. I really appreciate the advice, and would certainly welcome any more comments or advice that you are willing to give.

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She's Not Texting Me Like She U...
She's Not Texting Me Like She Used To

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