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my partner doesn't initiate sex/ show interest


kat_y

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My fiance and I have been together for the last four years, and our sex life was never great to begin with, but it's only seeming to get worse. Worse as in it hardly ever happens (once a month, at best). I really want to do it with him more often but he says that he needs more excitement from me. When I ask him what he means by 'excitement' he tells me in very general terms to act more sexy, look more sexy, etc.

 

Meanwhile I'm really frustrated because I do initiate (kissing him, feeling him up) but he usually turns me away because he says it's awkward the way I'm doing it or my advances are just so out of the blue. He very rarely initiates with me (incidentally, he's not cheating on me). He says he could initiate more, but that it wouldn't change the fact that we'd only have boring, 'nice' sex.

 

I've lost a lot of my confidence and interest because it feels like work now to please him and it hurts when he pushes me away. Also there's no comfort zone when so much time passes between the times we are intimate. Neither of us are happy about it obviously, and we both resent each other over it.

 

If any of you have any comments or advice, I'd really appreciate it because now I'm having doubts about whether I can spend the rest of my life like this if things aren't going to change.

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Seems like he is pointing out what doesnt work for him but not really telling you what will work for him. Have you tried dressing up in lingerie? or role-playing? And he would also have to make an effort at initiating...its a 2 way street...

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If he doesn't find you pleasing enough why doesn't he get more specific about it. I would not be in a rush to marry this guy because he is blaming YOU for the sex issue and being very vague about how to fix it..and he is not trying anything himself. Many passive aggressive men use lack of sex as a way to keep their partner feeling insecure. How is the rest of your relationship? Is he attentive, does he show any kind of warmth and affection? Does he do the little things for you? Does he treat you respectfully? Does he listen to your opinions? Does he make sure you are happy?

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Wow! That sounds brutal. Are you sure you really want to marry him? Honey, there are tons of guys out there that would love to have tons of wild passionate sex. He has to remember sex is a two way street.. It's not easy as a girl to initiate sex all the time! And by looking sexier.. What's up with that? He should think you look sexy in your sweat pants for cryin' out loud!

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Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Yes, I have tried dressing up in lingerie, but sometimes that's not enough. I don't know what else to try that's both 'exciting' for him and that I'd be comfortable with doing. For me, just having sex is exciting enough!

As for the rest of the relationship, it's mostly okay, but since we live together it's taking on a kind of roommate feeling. These days I don't have very romantic feelings as you can imagine...

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I totally agree with littleladyluck!! Your FIANCE should be attracted to you no matter what you're wearing, and desire having sex with you.

 

Are the other aspects of your relationship okay? Do you guys argue?

 

You need to talk to him about this. Ask him specifically what it is he'd like. You're clearly putting more work into this than he is...let him know.

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i agree with ladyluck that your fiance should find you sexy in sweat pants. it sounds like you two have never really been sexually compatible. maybe you are just better off as friends, and you should both find other people. i agree that at this stage, you two should be humping like bunnies, and you shouldn't have to do any acrobatics or whatever at this point to 'keep the spark alive.'

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Well when I ask him specifically what he would like, he says that if I don't know by now (after four years) then that's part of the problem. He wants me to know exactly how to touch him (to which I respond that I try, but I can't read his mind, and he thinks I should already know) and to try new positions. He then says that he knows exactly what I like (but I'm also very simple ;-). I just don't know how to build up the confidence when I feel oh so unconfident.

Also what do you think would be a good way to initiate that comes accross as confident? Even though I'm 30, I feel like I don't know that much when it comes to sex. My previous partners were always the initiators, or if I did initiate, it didn't take much. Was I just lucky in the past?

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what about communication? does he tell you, 'i like it when you do this....' if he refuses to tell you and expects you to just 'read his mind', then i see a lot of communication problems in this relationship, and that is not good.

 

i've noticed when the guy stops initiating, the relationship usually goes downhill.

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Oh boy, this is not good news I'm hearing, but thank you all for your honesty.

So there's not a lot of hope for change then? I just think that if we got into some kind of rhythm in sex, that it could be good. But it shouldn't feel like work. I just don't know how to get out of the rut without feeling compromised.

Should I keep bringing it up with him? Whenever we talk about it, it always ends up in tears (me), hurt feelings, and not many constructive ideas.

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maybe go to a sex therapist together. i don't see why he is putting all the pressure on you. he can just as easily suggest positions, outfits, toys, etc..... and making you do guess work???? blah. i think this sounds off. things shouldn't be like this when you are engaged.

 

how is your relationship otherwise?

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maybe go to a sex therapist together. i don't see why he is putting all the pressure on you. he can just as easily suggest positions, outfits, toys, etc..... and making you do guess work???? blah. i think this sounds off. things shouldn't be like this when you are engaged.

 

how is your relationship otherwise?

 

I brought up seeing a sex therapist a long time ago and he said NO way. Not even any therapist, period. He's pretty reserved (and British) and doesn't feel comfortable talking to others about our issues.

When I've brought up that he could suggest specific things he'd like to try, then he says he could, but then he'd be doing all the work.

I don't know if this is the best I can do, or what. If we broke up, I feel like I'd be sad and lonely because my career doesn't really allow for time to meet people (I'm finishing a phd right now, and going into biotech work afterward). It altogether makes me feel terrible, like I can't win either way.

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Other than the sex issue, how is he with PDA or when you are hanging out... Does he make a move, like touching, hugging or holding you?

 

He will if we're out in a bar and he's drinking. Apart from that, he's a little bit affectionate, but not very much. But then again, he says that I'm not either compared to the average woman.

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i'm finishing a PhD also, and i definitely have time to meet new guys! and what is this about him making suggestions = him doing all the work?!?!? i mean, shouldn't your fiance be putting in 50% of the effort here? i think you can do better than being trapped in a sexless marriage with an uncommunicative man.

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I notice that he seems to put you down...he is affectionate in a bar when drinking (probably an ownership "this is my woman" kind of thing). I gather when you want more affection he tells you that you are not affectionate compared to other women! How charming of him. Then he claims that if he helps you figure out how to please him then he is doing all the work! Honestly, what you see is 1/10th of the ugliness you will get if you marry this man. The red flags are screaming on this. He will beat your self-esteem into the ground. You are already convinced that you have to stay with him because you won't find anyone else...I wonder if he helped contribute to your mindset that you won't meet anyone else. I think you are far better off being alone than with this guy who seems to take great pleasure in making you squirm.

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First of all, he has communication issues, and when u try to bring anything up, he puts it back on you!

 

I think he either has a low sex drive, does he work a lot? And when you do have sex did you have issues with performance?

 

He pretty much is communicating that he doesn’t feel any chemistry, but I think that’s a copout of trying to communicate. He is being lazy and doesn’t want to put any work in to this while you are dealing with the brunt of it.

 

Maybe he has a low sex drive and doesn’t want to admit to it?

 

Don’t take it personally, his comments are making you feel rejected, but trying to figure out all the problems he has, isn't going to make you feel better.

 

You need to think if you can consider spending your life with him…If the emotional needs aren't met by either partner it also affects desire and self worth.

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