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Need help from parents/kids of divorce!!


Danielle84

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So my step kids have a hell of a Mom. She teaches them to lie, makes them feel guilty for even coming over to our house and so much more. She just sucks but in her head is the best Mom in the world. We've tried to fight her but unless she is beating the kids there is nothing we can do per our lawyer and CPS. So when they come over they fight with eachother, lie and breakdown crying at the drop of a hat because they are so stressed out. We don't know what to do. At this point we feel like all we can do is try and enjoy them while they are with us. I'm wondering at what age they will understand without us having to tell them that their Mom is the devil and they should come live with us. We told them we would love nothing more than to have them live with us. They said their Mom said that would make her too sad. Please help!!

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They are much too young to ever understand.

 

And you will do so much more harm than good by fighting over them. I was a product of divorce, different from your situation but my parents fought over us, it did me NO good. Just do your best to parent them when in your care. Do you not think you can influence them OVER their mothers. Get them out with other kids. Teach them sharing, caring, tell them the "truth". With time they should learn valuable lessons from you. Thier mother cannot and should not be the SOLE parental influence on these children.

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Thank you very much. I really needed to hear from a child that has been there. We do get to a point where we get frusterated that they lie and fight that we have to back off so that we don't get mad and put their Mom down in front of them. We probably spend more time mad when we have them because it is so frusterating. We need to learn and understand it's not their fault and redirect them. We do tell them that lieing is wrong and teach them about manners but honestly it probably comes out like they are being punished because it happens mainly after they lied or fought with eachother. We will really work on that. Also when you were a kid did you pick sides?? I feel like becasue we don't try to convince the kids to be on our "side" and try to explain that there shouldn't be "sides" that they automatically fall in to her trap. Does that make sense?? So frusterated.

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When I went through it I was older grade 7-8 was when it went down. I guess I did choose sides... and it was the side who "bought/ bribed" me. I'm going to assume that's what the mother is doing. I held my mother who only ever meant well, with resentment and it has forever ruined us. We're still working on it like 15 years later.

 

I'm not a parent and I don't know HOW to help these children, but a weak suggestion could be watch the nanny (or whatever that show is called- she makes devil children ANGELS). Try to give them timeouts (1 minute per year old) and then once they calm down from the fight I think she asks them why they had time out. Kids this age should know why they fight or lie. Then explain how and why lieing or fighting is bad (maybe pull the it hurts my feelings when you lie to me line) seems to work on some kids. Then ask them to apologize to the person they hurt or lied to. Then thank them for being such a good girl/ boy.

 

Also what I learnt is that you must must keep kids busy. Keep them busy with fun activities as well as those that make them feel useful around the house. "Fun chores" if you will, make the chore a fun game. This seems to channel energy into working together and having fun while accomplishing things.

 

I don't know if this will help you but hopefully some of it might!

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I agree that eventually they will understand the truth of the situation.

 

As a child of divorced parents with bitterness between them, I was not receptive to any efforts to try and tell me the other parent was evil. I judged for myself, and reevaluated when I was older. You asked if kids pick sides-- from my experience, many of them do. I am not sure if there is anything you can to do to counteract that. I wouldn't recommend being negative to them and really harping on their mother unless they are in danger. So if they ARE currently "on her side," you may just have to wait until they are a bit older and appreciative. Just continue to make your home a safe, happy, supportive place-- they need that.

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