56mercgal Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 For the most part, my boyfriend of 2 months and I have good communication. The only problem I have is when I send an e-mail with how much fun I had the night before, how good dinner was that he made,etc I will mention something that may be a concern and so I will also write in a suggestion, usually has to do with health issues. Like for instance, I said "Hi, I had a great time last night, the band you recorded was cool (he's a recording engineer) but I noticed you eat too much late at night, I suggest try to eat food slower and not so late (he does need to lose a few lbs,but he's not fat! This is just an example. And he will send an e-mail back saying "Hi, I had a great time last night with you too! Thanks for being there,etc and not say anything about my suggestions or concern about something for him. So then I feel I have to ask it again,which I DO not want to do but do then I feel like I'm nagging or prying an answer out of him. Should I just send a separate E-mail with jus that suggestion on it? I guess I really care for this guy and want to see him take care of himself and I know alot about health issues, and he's 51He eats pretty healthy and stays active. Ok, any suggestions for me?? Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 There's only so much you can "suggest" before it starts offending the person. I'm sure he knows you care about his health, & that's really sweet of you to mention it in such a nice way, but some people are just easily offended. Plus, being 51, he probably feels like he can take care of himself & knows what he's doing. He may find it offensive...that's just my guess. Suggestions? Umm, only thing I can think of is working out together. You can ask him if he wants to go walking with you. Make it seem like it's just a romantic idea, rather than you suggesting that he needs to work out lol Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 You have to accept hes an adult. You would probably not take kindly to him saying the same things to you. He probably knows how to take care of himself. Let him take care of himself. YOu can try by just cooking him healthy meals but actually TELLING him would seem a lil rude to me, I know your intentions are good. But its his choice, you can tell him once and then let him go from there. Link to comment
Samedy Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If a girl I recently started dating started making "suggestions" like that, I would find it fairly off-putting. Do you want to be his girlfriend or his mother? Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Maybe he's not interested in "improving" and politely ignoring your suggestions. A good rule of thumb is, unless it is imminently health or safety affecting let the other person initiate all of the conversations about their own habits. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If a girl I recently started dating started making "suggestions" like that, I would find it fairly off-putting. Do you want to be his girlfriend or his mother? Stop reading my mind. I "helpful" and "minor" comments like that to be nagging, none of your business, hurtful, or all three. Samedy's comment is right on. YS Link to comment
DN Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I agree with the others - especially since you seem to make a habit of it. Be careful you don't improve him out of your life. Looking at your other threads - this is an ongoing issue for you. Have you always had a need to control other people and correct what you see as their flaws? Especially boyfriends. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Since you've only been dating him for 2 months, I would say it's way too early to even be making suggestions like that. Even though you mean well, I would think he's taking offense at what you're saying to him about his health. He's a big boy...don't "Mother" him. Take care... Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 He's your boyfriend, not your child. I say don't say anything at all about it. I would break up with a guy at 2 months if he made comments like this about my eating habits a few times. Link to comment
girl68 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Why are you even communicating these problems through email. I'd ignore it too! It's like you're only saying something nice so that you can say something bad. The worst part is that you think you're not being a nag but you're being the worst kind of nag... you're not actaully nagging! If there's a problem (eating too much too late) bring up the problem NOT in an email! If you have an issue bring the issue up to him. Don't give him a nice compliment on his dinner just so you get to say something bad like a suggestion on how is SHOULD have been. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I remember you posted not too long ago that you suggested he get his dog liscensed ..you really need to stop nagging so much and let him live his life... he's a grown man. in my opinion you are the one that is wrong - this has nothing to do with communication- he is politely telling you by not saying anything about your suggestions to back off.... Link to comment
56mercgal Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Everyone is right on with their answers here, it IS me that needs to back off and look at the positive rather that the negative. It's a bad habit based on my own insecurity. I really do not mean to nag or "mother" the guy. And I agree, E-mailing a suggestion or cioncern is not the way to resolve or explain something. I realized that finally after the last one I sent off. I'm going to back off. Talking face to face is just the way to go. Body language works wonders in asking, explaining or showing someone a point you are trying to make. I appreciate everyone's input, it's been VERY helpful! Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Everyone is right on with their answers here, it IS me that needs to back off and look at the positive rather that the negative. It's a bad habit based on my own insecurity. I really do not mean to nag or "mother" the guy. And I agree, E-mailing a suggestion or cioncern is not the way to resolve or explain something. I realized that finally after the last one I sent off. I'm going to back off. Talking face to face is just the way to go. Body language works wonders in asking, explaining or showing someone a point you are trying to make. I appreciate everyone's input, it's been VERY helpful! But, you shouldn't express that point. It's rude. Link to comment
DN Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 But, you shouldn't express that point. It's rude. ditto. It's not just the medium - it's the message. Link to comment
56mercgal Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 Ok, now I feel like I'm the lowest form of life on this planet right now! Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Ok, now I feel like I'm the lowest form of life on this planet right now! I don't think anyone was trying to make you feel badly, I know I wasn't. You did ask us, however, and we were all honest with you. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Ok, now I feel like I'm the lowest form of life on this planet right now! Aww, don't feel that way. Just think if he had said the same thing to you. Would it make you feel good? How would you react? Do you think it'd make you eat better or just be upset? Your intentions were good but it's not your place to make comments about his eating habits. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Don't feel like we're belitting you in any way. We're just being honest so you don't make a mistake or do something you may regret. I'm sure all of us at one point have done the same, but when you're not in the person's shoes & you're able to look at things from a 3rd-person's perspective, you realize it's probably not the best thing to do. It's ok that you've suggested it up until now, but just don't keep doing it. Link to comment
56mercgal Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 He sent me an e-mail actually thanking me for being concerned about his health (well,improving it!) and I like to go on hikes during the week after work and he's going to join me. He said he should do more excersizing and with me around, he won't have to worry about getting fat,LOL! He's really a very understanding guy, so I am very lucky to have him and will be more careful with any advice I give him! And no more e-mail stuff! Thanks for all the advice and re[lies! It's been a big help to me! Link to comment
loulee Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 its almost like giving someone a back handed compliment. I would ignore your suggestions too!! Its sounds a little judgemental and a compliment and a criticism should never be put in the one sentence, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. And remember we always remember the last few words someone has spoken to us not often the first...Stick to the compliments, the observations will make you appear controlling in nature..and that is likely in a short time to make any man want to distance himself. his ignorance of your comments are already sending you a clear message...so take heed and listen to them//good luck Link to comment
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