rnmom13 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I am not sure if I posted before to this group or not. A little history....married May 2008. We did not have sex before marriage because my husband "wanted to do it right this time". On our wedding night I found out he had no sex drive( You would think you would discuss this with your soon-to-be spouse). Since our wedding day we have STILL not had sex. Yes....a little over 9 months and still nothing! I try to talk to him. I show him how much I love him but still nothing. He told me when we married that he would get help. I have seen him do nothing. The extent of our "intimacy" is a grope here and there and a kiss. That is all. He would rather go to bed watching TV until he falls asleep, eating some snacks then to spend even 5 minutes focusing on his wife. Yesterday we had this discussion again(and no I do not badger the man, it comes up maybe every 6-8 weeks). I was told "I don't know why I have no desire". Ugh. I have told him if he doesn't want to be with me to just tell me. Also, if he doesn't find me attractive to tell me. In some sick way I think it would be better to hear either of those things than to go through the mental crap I am going through now. I am left to feel unloved, unattractive, and unwanted even though he tells me every day how much I mean to him. The intimacy is lacking and that is a big part of the relationship. I am starting to resent him and his selfish ways and I don't want to feel that. I have had numerous people offer suggestions. But there is no way to help someone who doesn't want to change. I am at a loss...and don't know what to do. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If he told you he would get help, then make him get help, even if you have to arange couples cousnelling, and counselling for him. It is important, if he blatently refuses, (and nothing else is wrong in your marriage) ask if he would allow you to have sex with a friend with benefits or something, see what he says/does then. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Sometimes you have to act your way into a feeling... instead of the other way around... Offer him that idea, and if he still does not wish to be intimate... I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you. If he is un-willing, and un-desirable, and un-happy... then he needs help and to realize that he is in a marriage, and it's not always about all that he wants/needs. You two became one, and I wish you the best to help him realize that, but it will be hard because you will not be able to force it on him... guys are stubborn, we have to realize things on our own. Hopefully he realizes it before you leave him... I'll pray for you and him, please be strong. Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 he needs to get help.Viagra? I dont know...I am sorry for you because he should be satisfying you...it sounds like mental issues to me..get help or get a man..all the best Link to comment
n83 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hey may have a hormonal problem. Or, it may just be who he is. I'm sorry to say it, but there's a reason he was delaying sex until marriage. Now he got married though and he can't find a reason to delay it any longer. Most people probably wont agree with me, but I'm very practical when it comes to relationships. I would ask him, in all seriousness, if he'd mind if you took a lover. If you love him and don't want to end the marriage, maybe he won't be opposed to that as an alternative option. Link to comment
madmarten Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 If you still have consummated the marriage at this point, after all you have tried, and stll nothing from him I would consider an anullment. As far as ending marriage, I would say at this point you don't have a marriage. Link to comment
Circe Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 If you still have consummated the marriage at this point, after all you have tried, and stll nothing from him I would consider an anullment. As far as ending marriage, I would say at this point you don't have a marriage. WOaahh.. so do 80 yr olds who no longer have sex that have been married for 60 years, no longer have a marriage?? If the way he is has changed from the way he used to be there could be a host of explanations for it.. I Agree that you need to push him to talk to someone about it.. preferably joint therapy with both of you involved.. I think it extremely unlikely that this has anything to do with him not being attracted to you.. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 WOaahh.. so do 80 yr olds who no longer have sex that have been married for 60 years, no longer have a marriage?? If the way he is has changed from the way he used to be there could be a host of explanations for it.. I Agree that you need to push him to talk to someone about it.. preferably joint therapy with both of you involved.. I think it extremely unlikely that this has anything to do with him not being attracted to you.. It's different when you are 80 years old and have been married (and sexually active) for much of the 60 years prior, at that point both parties in the relationship may have slowed down and have decreased desire related to age and other health problems. We are not talking about 80 year olds who have been married for 60 years, we are talking about newlywed young people. Like it or not, sex is an important part of a marriage and a relationship, and unless both parties have agreed to a sexless marriage, it is completely unfair to deny the closeness and intimacy and pleasure that comes along with sex. Not to mention that he wasn't honest with her before they got married, and let her into a marriage believing they would be sexually active. At this point if he has no desire and isn't willing to work on it with you both with joint counseling and individual counseling, I would consider having an anullment also. This is not a a marriage. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Does he physically have a problem having sex? Does he easily get an erection? Do you know if he watches porn? Does he masturbate? Is he even attracted to women? (sorry) Link to comment
UrbanSasquatch Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 From a man's perspective, this is pretty strange and raises questions, some of which have been raised already herein. I can, at least in part, understand some (not all) of the "I want to do it right this time" sentiment; however, that's still fallacious to an extent because it's seldom the sex itself that has to do with "doing it right". Rather, it's the mental state of the participants. Anyone doing it right "this time" (I assume he's been married before?) would know that. I can also sympathize some with performance anxiety (or whatever is holding him back at this point, we may only speculate) or the simple act of performance. In my case we went at it like bunnies prior to marriage and for a year after; but when her attitude and actions became a real detriment to our financial stability and she began doing things I strongly disapproved of, she became less and less attractive to me -- with the result that now she occasionally asks for it and I feign whatever because I'm not interested in the here and now. (There's more to it than that, but for the sake of brevity, I'm not going into it just now.) However, you didn't have sex before marriage, and you haven't had sex after marriage. Something is NOT right here, and I say that as a very open-minded and understanding guy. PsychGirly has asked the most pertinent questions: - Does he have difficulty getting an erection? Does he get one at all? - Does he view pornography or masturbate? - Are there other physical inhibitions to having sex? - Is he even attracted to women in the first place? He's promised to have something done yet seems to avoid it. It's presumptious of me, but I suspect he's simply not interested in having sex at all, unless it's focal and he's not interested in having sex with you. I don't mean that cruelly; people say and do strange things. I'd love to have sex, and would do it at the drop of a hat IF I weren't having such horrible trust issues with my wife; ergo, I don't want to do it with HER because the intimacy has suffered significantly; and I'm not seeking sex elsewhere. I'm not saying this is the case for you; but something is, no matter which reason it may be, and you deserve an answer from him. Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 WOaahh.. so do 80 yr olds who no longer have sex that have been married for 60 years, no longer have a marriage?? . you know I recently heard that 1 in 3 eighty year olds DO still have sex if they have a partner still alive with them.... that's A LOT in my opinion. my husband are planning to keep going as long as we can LOL... sorry if this is off topic - just a common misconception that old people don't have sex when really.. THEY DO Link to comment
Hope75 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 you know I recently heard that 1 in 3 eighty year olds DO still have sex if they have a partner still alive with them.... that's A LOT in my opinion. my husband are planning to keep going as long as we can LOL... sorry if this is off topic - just a common misconception that old people don't have sex when really.. THEY DO Yes it's true, more seniors are sexually active then we'd like to believe, but it is off topic and the point is that the OP didn't agree to a sexless marriage and shouldn't have to suffer one, and if her husband isn't willing to address the issue or get help, her best option is to end it. Link to comment
rnmom13 Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 1. Does he get erections? I dunno...we are not intimate and he won't talk to me about it. 2. Does he like women? Absolutely. 3. Does he view porn or masturbate? I dunno...yet again I can't get him to communicate. 4. Physical inhibitions to sex? Dunno that either. He will not discuss this with me. He always changes the subject or says he just doesn't know why he has no drive. He does tell me that it bothers him that he can't be intimate. Maybe his ego is preventing him from getting help or discussing it. He does have chronic pain for which he takes medication. I know this can have an affect on sex drive. However it has been 1 excuse after the other. At first I was told he was in too much pain. But he can work in the garage/outside/on his truck ALL DAY LONG. I would think he could work on me for 30 minutes Now it is that he just doesn't have any desire. Who knows what it will be next week. I guess I am just frustrated! I feel like I get nothing but excuses. He is not getting any help like he promised. He refuses to talk about this with me. I love this man dearly but I deserve enough respect to tell me this before marriage and to discuss it now that we are married. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 If he does not communicate with you whatsoever, I think the only other option is to see a counselor & see if he may open up to her/him. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Your marriage has not been consummated. Frankly, that is grounds for annulment. You need to sit him down and tell him this is not a true marriage, it is more like living with your brother. He is depriving you of sex and you certainly can't have kids if he keeps up like this. There is obviously something deeply wrong. Either he wants a mommy/son situation without sex, or he is gay and doesn't want to admit it to himself, or he has a serious hormone problem, or some kind of trauma that has caused a mental distaste for sex. But the bottom line is he just isn't a husband if he refuses to have sex with you. Even if he had serious erectile dysfunction, there are ways around that and he could still try to please you sexually, but he's just blowing you off and hence depriving you of sex nor feeling the obligation to be a true husband to you. I'm sorry, but i think you need to insist on marriage counseling with him, and if he won't go, then tell him you are sorry but a sexless marriage really isn't a marriage, and you're going to pursue an annulment. Link to comment
d24 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Your marriage has not been consummated. Frankly, that is grounds for annulment. ... I'm sorry, but i think you need to insist on marriage counseling with him, and if he won't go, then tell him you are sorry but a sexless marriage really isn't a marriage, and you're going to pursue an annulment. i agree 110% Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 First please let me offer my sympathies... I cannot imagine what it must be like to have no sexual contact with my husband. :shocked!: (But then I tested the goods before buying, so I knew what I was getting into.) My heart goes out to you, because you probably thought you (and he) were doing something noble, and it turned into what you have now... In the bigger picture, is he affectionate in the least? Does he kiss, hug, caress, kind words, compliments, bring you coffee in bed, or any other intimate / considerate behavior? (Sounds like maybe not but I had to ask to be sure.) If he is neither affectionate, nor considerate, nor sexual, there is likely no intimacy at all in your marriage and I would be very worried about spending the next however many years trapped in it. I would also be worried about the love factor, because if you really love someone you don't want to deprive them of an important part of a marriage. If you really love someone it's painful to watch them suffer while you are helpless to meet their natural needs. If you really love someone you will move heaven and earth to do what's right for the greater good of the relationship. Sometimes that means sacrificing one's ego to ask for the help that is needed. Sometimes it means laying your whole soul bare and vulnerable to the other, even though it might mean they reject or humiliate you. But at the very base of the issue is truth. Anyhow, I think there is more at play here (no pun intended) then the sex issue. I think it's the whole larger issue of what is your marriage really about? Bless you and I hope you find the right answer for you, no matter what that looks like! w Link to comment
rawbery79 Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 This is why I would NEVER marry someone I had not had sex with. Why would you buy a car without taking it for a test drive? Link to comment
Older_Wiser Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 And be very aware of how you are approaching this question. You can't shame him about it. It's not his fault if nature gave him this. Talk about this topic sandwiched between telling him things you respect and like him for. Link to comment
TechResQ Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi, So sorry this is happening to you, it must be horrible. I do have questions...and I am sure you have probably tried this. What does he do if and when you initiate foreplay? Have you tired to perform oral sex or caress him to produce an erection? Does he just push you away? Does he get angry with you? What does he do when you strip naked in front of him? Just exactly how did he avoid you on your wedding night? sorry, just really curious. God Bless. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 A guy who can't cut the mustard or even lick the jar is useless in my mind. Get an anullment. Link to comment
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