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Help me out here. :(


Puma

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I'm a 20-year-old female and full-time student working two jobs. My current situation isn't conducive to meeting potential dates, so back in August of last year I figured I'd use online dating a try.

 

I met the first guy and we casually dated for a few months but it didn't end up working out since he wasn't seeking a relationship. The second guy remained a friend. I didn't like the dating service I was using so I deleted my profile on there, and decided to try for a different site that seemed [more] serious.

 

I ran a search and sifted through endless pages of profiles, but came to a screeching halt when I spotted a very handsome gentleman, who is 25, on his way towards graduating from university with a degree in aerospace engineering, shares a variety of my same hobbies and interests, and was able to write and construct a well-written profile. This was a rare sighting and I felt my heart jump in excitement. We exchanged lengthy messages and eventually set up a date. I was incredibly happy to have encountered someone who didn't mind taking the time to read the epic novels I wrote to him, and who did the same when replying.

 

During our date we briefly strolled along the boardwalk, and then explored the nearby farmer's market and trying several foods on the way, then stopped at a Starbucks to speak face-to-face for awhile. I was impressed with how much we shared in our values and viewpoints on many things. He made me laugh, was very sweet and lots of fun to talk to, and it certainly didn't hurt that he was extremely attractive. It was dark out when we were finished. He dropped me off at my car, and was nice enough to wait until I got inside before driving off.

 

Mushy details aside, I decided to text him tonight for a casual dinner this upcoming Saturday and insisted that I'd drive this time. His reply was, "I'm sorry _________ but I have to pull the just friends card, not because of your text... but because things are just not exactly what I am looking for. You are one cool chic though with your own little niche in the world. I'm not saying that to make you feel good and my day easier, it's true. Stay just the way you are." While I'm glad that he let me down so easy, so early, and so tactfully, I bawled my eyes out the entire night, non-stop. I was really crossing my fingers for this guy. I'm very picky in whom I date and decide to pursue, and because he met and exceeded everything I've been looking for, getting rejected was a punch to the stomach.

 

I know it happens to all of us, but I don't get it. I go to school, have my career plans mapped out, make good money, I'm well-behaved with a clean record, never slept around, I'm in excellent shape, and I'm nice. But I know being kind and being a genuine person just isn't enough.

 

If things turned out differently I would've been worried. He mentioned at one point that he'd prefer to settle down/get married/have kids sometime in his late 20's, and if things worked out long-term between him and I, I'd feel obligated to settle down with him when I'd only be in my early 20's still, which I feel is premature for me. So maybe I was too young for him and he's looking for someone a little more aged and at more of his level, I don't know. It's hard not to dwell on whatever his reasons may be since I felt like I was well-equipped for what seemed to be the makings of a great long-term relationship with him. (cue the "he's just not that into you" responses

 

What's REALLY getting me is the fact that he's pretty much exactly what I've been searching for. I feel like I'm going to have an incredibly difficult time finding someone of a similar quality, if at all. The reason I can't let go is because it's like I've found gold and I want to hold on to it. I know I'm still very young and I keep telling myself to be patient, but it's taking an awfully long time. Most of my friends seem to have someone; I don't feel pressured to have someone of my own to fit in. I know I should focus on working towards my career and whatnot, which is exactly what I'm doing. But, it'd be nice to share some good times with someone. I'm a giving person, and after awhile when it's all you and nothing back, you begin to wish you could be shown someone is thinking/caring about you behind the curtain too.

 

That's it for now, thanks for reading.

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If things turned out differently I would've been worried. He mentioned at one point that he'd prefer to settle down/get married/have kids sometime in his late 20's, and if things worked out long-term between him and I, I'd feel obligated to settle down with him when I'd only be in my early 20's still, which I feel is premature for me. So maybe I was too young for him and he's looking for someone a little more aged and at more of his level, I don't know.

 

Wow if everything you said is true the guy he must be crazy, you sound like a wonder fall catch but I feel as you said in your quot it might be the age, he might want someone closer to his age to settle down with, I found myself girls in their 20’s are still working out what they really want in life maybe not all girls but a fair few, so some guys tend to lean for the really serious stuff towards girls a little older nothing against you personally, so chin up and keep trying and I think you are doing well to find time for a guy in between Uni and two jobs do you sleep, I know people who go to Uni full time and work and they have got no time for anything else.

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If its the age gap thing, he is not as smart as you might have thought...

 

i mean he knew what he wanted, and your age was clearly listed on your profile. Was he to stupid to add it all up, or was it something else?

 

I honestly have to say i have no idea. He knew what u looked like before u guys went out, he knew your age before u went out, so my guess is he is hung up on someone else at the moment. Or he was attracted to you, could deal with the age thing, but for some unknown reason did not like you, even though he said your cool and a great person.

 

I mean, how can everything add up to = great, but u still say no thanks?

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It was ONE date. Just one. I know you had your fingers crossed hoping it would work out, but the truth is, you really don't even know him. Getting to know someone takes time and observation, not a lengthy dating profile, with lengthy emails and a lengthy conversation at Starbucks.

 

Maybe he wasn't attracted to you. Maybe you didn't click as well as you thought. Maybe he met someone else he liked better. Maybe he knew you were a great girl but he just wasn't feeling you and couldn't put his finger on exactly why. Haven't you ever met someone or went on a date with someone that wasn't necessarily a bad person or unattractive, you just didn't have any interest in pursuing anything serious with them?

 

You are taking this rejection way too personally. Lots of wonderful people get rejected all the time. Not every one is going to like you, no matter how beautiful, how smart, how funny, or how anything else you are. That's just life.

 

You just said yourself he is going to be looking to settle down in the next few years and get married and have kids, and you will not. So, you do recognize that's a major issue that will eventually cause a problem in this relationship, don't you? It's better that he told you early on that he's not interested, rather than the two of you hhit this roadblock a couple of years down the road. And if you happened to mention to him that you're NOT looking to settle down and get married in the next few years, well then you basically said, "We're not a good match".

 

You said yourself if things turned out differently, you'd be worried. So, I think your feelings are just hurt that he rejected you. You are in two different places in your lives right now, and you seem to recognize that.

 

You are only 20 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you are all these things and this great catch that you say you are, someone else that's great will recognize that. Don't take rejection from one guy so personally. It's great that he was honest and upfront and didn't d*** you around.

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"It was ONE date. Just one. I know you had your fingers crossed hoping it would work out, but the truth is, you really don't even know him. Getting to know someone takes time and observation, not a lengthy dating profile, with lengthy emails and a lengthy conversation at Starbucks."

 

That's what got me wondering, how could he be so sure he isn't interested after one date? I felt a little cheated that he came to that decision after just one encounter. It was the first date and I was a bit of a nervous wreck. I was hoping on the next few dates that I'd have the chance to shoot out some cute lines I had prepared, lol. But to avoid being one-sided, I can understand. I've been on a date before and felt like having a strictly platonic friendship with the guy and nothing more. Like myself, he was also pre-med, extremely sweet, laughed at all my stupid jokes and stories, but I didn't feel that fire that I would with someone I'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with.

 

I know I'm taking this personally; it's just that I'm so inexperienced in dating put myself out there and made myself vulnerable. I actually feel better after just waking up from a deep 8-hour slumber (I tend to be more emotional when I'm exhausted and sleep-deprived like last night). Rejection/unrequited feelings are nothing to me, it's just that I was so hopeful for this one more than any other guy I've dated. I anticipated lots of good times ahead with him.

 

This last part doesn't matter and is very silly, but I'm wondering why our dinner date was canceled. We could still go out as friends and I would have had a great time talking with him again, but maybe he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea or something.

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Hey Puma,

 

Reading your story was like reading about an experience I had last year. Similar sort of thing - long emails - great connection - met in person seemed to go well, then Monday morning and he emails saying 'he didn't feel a connection'... I too was shattered. In my case, the guy was not EXACTLY what I wanted, but I was willing to give it a go... and yet he had decided from one meeting that I was not even worth a few more dates... So just to let you know it happens to all of us, try not to let it get to you too much. I guess I think of it this way - I have rejected great guy sbefore, not because they were not "good enough" or because they were flawed, but just because I didn't think we were compatible in some way or other, it could have been maturity / age, religion, political or other views, anything at all that just didn't sit right but was not necessarily a negative in them - just an inconsistency with my values / needs etc... In your case age does seem to be something that was possibly an issue... Anyway no point analysing, it sucks, but just know it's nothing to do with you - you sound like a great person, with a lot of insight, intelligence and other favourable characteristics, so just get back up and keep trying - it's a numbers game they all say!

 

Ammy

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^^^ He put in his online dating profile that his age range was from 20-26; I figured if he wanted someone slightly older, he would've either upped the age or have told me before meeting me. Either way, I felt that he was just slightly older than what I was looking for (I prefer them only slightly older than myself just so that we're more on the same page). I still feel a little cheated by not being given a chance for another date, and it wasn't exactly fair since I was nervous during our meeting and thus wasn't given enough time to stand out from the rest (although I did manage to shoot out a few cute lines made up on the spot and got several laughs out of him). But, like you said, no point in analyzing, all chances with him are shot and I wouldn't want him to reconsider since everything's been said and done. I came to terms with it and am now at peace with keeping this strictly platonic. He's a great guy with lots to say and I would like keeping him in my life as a friend.

 

Thanks for your response Ammy, I felt much better after reading what you had to say.

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