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Well all my buddies on ENA,

 

Guess I have graduated to the next step in forgiveness and enlightenment.

 

As most of you on here already know my tales of woe I won't go into it again, but your more than welcome to read my older posts if you need some background on my story.

 

I have to say everyday is surely a new day to discover things about yourself.

 

Since my break up this month last year (yes it's been a year next week)..wow how time does fly. I have come to understand myself much better and truly I have grown, because your never to old to grow.

 

Anyway, I have had strict NC with my ex since November 08, and for a good while things were quite distressful.

 

There was a part of me that wanted to see him hurt, fail, die, suffer.:sad: But, recently I did something that made me feel good and brought my mental state to new heights.

 

Put it this way I could have made his life a living h*ll if I wanted to, got revenge on him and just totally destroyed him. I choose not to do this! Sometimes the bank sends me e-mail of his bank statements...I don't even open them...I delete them because I don't want to see how he is spending his money or invade his privacy....I send his mail back to the post office, but the other day I didn't do that I knew he is waiting on some very important documents and instead of throwing it in the garbage I lit an inscent and searched inside my soul to do the right thing. I took his mail and gave it to my roommate to give him when he comes by (he don't come when I am around).

 

You know I spent alot of time helping this poor fellow get himself off drugs, and to take care of his life and if I would have thrown away his mail then I would just be a total a**.

 

I never took revenge on him. I decided by me doing the right thing not tossing his important documents in the trash it would be a great step in me finally moving on. Another reason is all the time I spent trying to help him would have just been in vain for me to do something so mean...I believe it would cause me to also have bad karma, because two wrongs don't make a right! If by him getting these documents helps him then all my efforts over the past 5 years would not have been a waste.

 

It's a terrible feeling to hurt the person you loved for so long just because they couldn't love themselves enough to love you. Doing this good thing has set me free more than I ever realized.

 

I have to bid him a farewell and good luck....I will cherish the memories I had of him during the good times and not dwell on the bad.

 

I think there is a part of him that cannot forget me because my roommate said he stuck something underneath my door when he came to get his mail the other day...it's was a martial arts dragon patch for my jacket...my roommate also told me he was going to give me some gifts...and all the stuff he took from me was because his mother kept hassling him saying she wanted her things back.

 

Right now I am at peace with my world and just want to do my school work and spend time doing the things I like.

 

It's sad, but I can never take back my ex no matter what...funny thing is as I sit here typing this letter I don't even feel I love him anymore. I don't wish him any harm and I do still care for him, but the love I felt for him so long ago seems to has vanished into the abyss. I know for a fact I could never be happy with him or have the fairytale life we pretended to have, which never truly existed, just in our minds.

 

Perhaps in the next life we may cross paths again and then maybe we can be friends.

 

It's highly likely he may not outlive me since he has HIV and trust me it's not a pretty sight to see someone with this suffer the way he does. I will be very sad the day my roommate calls me to say he has died. For so long I pretended that he was okay and normal like me, but always that deep nagging knowledge if his serious condition would come into my head and send me straight back to reality and with it the pain I felt knowing his blood is poison.

 

Honestly folks he didn't touch me to often because he was deathly afraid of giving me a death sentence and for that I thank him.

 

I know the way he treated me wasn't right, but I am going to forgive him today, because, I want what life he has left to be filled with sunshine.

 

How can you hate or want to hurt someone who is so messed up in every possible way from a terrible family life, drug user, bipolar, low self-esteem, HIV Positive, Hep C, no job, no place to live...No! I cannot hate you Leo...all I can do is wish you the best and hope your doing well.

 

Farewell my dear friend and may the Great Spirit bless you for the rest of your days!

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Wow, that was deep. I'm so glad that you feel a sense of ease with everything and have no hard feelings for everything that he has done to you. You are a strong woman, and this is truly the step to living a full life. I'm happy for you.

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Sounds like you are coming to terms with everything. As for tossing the mail..I would think it is illegal to tamper with someone else's mail. Throwing out someone else's important documents could get you in a lot of hot water...so I am glad you didn't do that.

 

hehe...my brain thought that, but I couldn't do it my conscience didn't allow me to make the wrong choice...I used to send it back to the post office letting them know he was no longer at this address.

 

I would never do anything to jeopardize my perfect record with the exception of my 1 speeding ticket...hehehe and I didn't even get that until I was 39...lol

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