Jump to content

Advice/Get her thinking about me


hotchip

Recommended Posts

Wasn't sure where to post this but I guess here's most appropriate.

 

It's my housemates birthday tomorrow, we're having a few drinks here at our house and then going out to a club; my ex and a few of her housemates will be there among other people. I've seen her once or twice out over the last two or three weeks, we said hello at the time but didn't really speak otherwise. Other than that we haven't spoken for probably about three months.

 

I'm doing pretty well, I've excepted it all for the moment and I'm fine around her, it doesn't seem to bother me much anymore the times I have seen her over the last few weeks. If I follow wishful thinking I spotted her looking over at me a few times on one of the nights out last week, the looking, been spotted, give a smile then turn away look. I didn't really think she felt anything toward me anymore but she seemed to have that longing, I wander look in her eye - perhaps it was just curiosity more than anything else.

 

Anyway... So, she'll be here monday night and I'll be out with her and other people (rather than just seeing her out). I still love her and if it felt right I'd jump at the chance to be with her again but I'm not really sure how to act at this stage. I'm more than comfortable saying hey, how have you been etc, asking about the none relationship, none us type stuff but I haven't a clue how she feels, what she's been upto or whether she'd be remotely interested in a conversation. I guess that's something I'll have to get a feel for at the time. Just wandering if anyone has any advice/suggestions as perhaps how to 'be' when she arrives. I'm fine conversational wise and generally what/what not to say and as I said above I'm fairly 'comfortable' with it all at that moment, but anything I can do to perhaps get her thinking about me the day after or to at least jog some kind of positive in her mind would be a good thing.

 

I'm naturally quite talkative, I always seem to be slightly cocky but nice about it which she seemed to be attracted to for 18 months. I'm just not sure if it would be a good time/situation to be 'myself' in that sense, should I just be nice nice, don't give her too much attention, see how she's doing and just be myself around everyone else? I don't want to give her the impression I'm 'ignoring' her because I won't be, not just because I'd like her to feel something for me again but because I don't want her to think I'm being petty and ignoring her.

 

Addition: I would like to add, if she isn't interested or nothing changes it isn't going to bother me that much. As far as she goes I don't really have anything with her anymore so things can only get better. I leave in 3 months so won't be starting any other relationships before then so have nothing to lose in my eyes. I've done the whole growing part of it, I've had the lows and now I'm back on the highs, if part of her wants that back great, if not then I'll leave in 3 months having done my best for something/one I love and I'll be strong and ready for the future.

 

Cheers for reading

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey I know no-one replied but I thought I'd give an update anyway...

 

I chatted to her a little when she was at mine earlier, we had a little laugh etc. When we eventually went out it was a little strange, but most of her housemates went home and she ended up with only one of her housemates and spent an hour (perhaps more?) dancing literally next to me and my friends. I wasn't really affected by it, well at least I didn't show it, perhaps now I am but what could I do except be myself. I walked home wtih my two housemates and got some chips on the way. When I got home she text me saying "can we ever just be friends?". It might seem insignificant and silly to you guys, but this is the first time she has contafcted me (e.g. not having seen me on the street, not me texting ehr, me not emailing her etc) so it kind of threw me. I forgot about it all night and just acted like myself, perhaps that caused her to text me, perhaps not? I don't intend to take it as anything. Just wandered what anyone else thought? It's 3.39am right now and I've had a bit to drink so I don't intend to text now, should I text tomorrow? should I just ignore it altogether (baring in mind I would love to be with her again...), should I ask why she text me? Perhaps I'm just hoping but why would she ask can we be mates now ahving shut me out for so long? She shut me out, she cut me out of her life and she gave up on me. I don't blame her for it and I hold no resent for it but I don'teally understand why after doing that she would want to be 'friends', especially as she knows I could never be just her friend. As I said above I'd jump at the chance to be with her again (only if it felt right and I got the feeling it was a long term thing for her (not just a 'want what you cant have' thing)) and I would love the chance to chat to her but I've moved onto a stage where if I lose her for good I can deal with it, I have no intention of letting it bog me down and letting it be the fixation of my day to day life; however I do love her, and when I am around her like tonight I definitely get 'that' feeling still. Any suggestions? Cheers...

 

Sorry for the long sentence above and thank you for reading. I would appreciate the replies

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Me again (replying to my own message, twice! oh dear haha)... If anyone reads... baring in mind I've had a fair bit to drink.... My intentions for tomorrow, or perhaps make her wait a few days (immature maybe? not sure? I hate playing 'games'...), are to say something along the following (but obviously a little better worded and generally less to the point)....

 

You cut me out of your life and you decided to stop all contact, that was decision you made and I've done my best to respect it. I don't expect you to reply and I don't expect to this have any impact on you but in reply to your message last night... You kmow full well that anything between you and I will never be based around friendship, other than than those first two weeks together we have never been anything but lovers. If you want me as a friend then perhaps one day that is something I will can give you, but if - like your text suggests - you want me in your life, then you have to trust and believe that I have both changed and grown up and that I am not the person you seem to think I am. Until then then I hope you are well, I hope you're final year (for enotalone: of uni) is going well and I hope that you are happy wherever you are at nowadays.

 

I'll word it a little better when I'm less worse for where but thats generally what I'd say.

 

Scrap that rubbish above.... (some may not agree with it, a few months ago I probably wouldn't have either but I guess we are who we are (re: joint)...): You can come out for a drink or two and see what I'm all about, you can come around, relax and have a joint or two, have a laugh and see what I'm all about... or you can continue ingoring me like you have been, feeling awkward when we are out together and leave in three months having never known.... Whatever you chose will not affect me. (Petty?) It's on you now, I know you're stubborn and I know you're full or pride so you go with whatever you know. I love you but I'm not waiting around for you. There's so much more to my life than just you, and that's a choice you made when you cut me out.

 

Thanks again

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't bother contacting her. Wait until she contacts you and go NC for a bit. Make her think. Nothing better than making the other person unsure and leave a little mystery rather than blurbing a whole load of stuff out.

 

I bet she'll contact you. Be patient!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheers for replying. I decided not to bother replying, I'm happy where I am now and I'm not throwing it away just to satisfy what I can only presume is her need to know I still care about her. She made me sweat when she cut me off and I've dealt with it without bothering her, if she wants to contact me then I guess she'll make the effort, if not then oh well! She already knows the answer to whether I would want to be 'just friends' anyway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All my replies but nevermind!

 

I'm starting to think (perhaps hope is a better word) fate is intervening. I was just walking home from my housemates band gig, crossing the road passed a shop and my ex walked out. We said hello but she looked a little startled so I just smiled and continued. I'm guessing she was expecting me to mention her text (I know she'll be thinking that I view it as significant (perhaps I do but she doesn't need to know that) because it was the first time SHE spoke TO ME in over 3 months), the thought crossed my mind but I chose not to say anything and continued on home.

 

It's just getting to that frustrating part of a NC phase where everything is urging you to either break your own NC or to reply to her contact (are they the same thing?). Everythings telling me not to speak to her and I understand the idea that if she was that bothered or cared about me then she won't just leave it at the one drunken text she sent and she'll make the move but at the same time I just want to get the 'you hypocrite' jibe in there - but I guess that would just be a backwards step in so many ways. I won't though, it's actually relieving not being that bothered, especially as I know she expected me to reply immediately at the time and at least mention it if I saw her and I know that it'll have made her wander why.

 

I get the feeling I'm talking to myself but it's actually good to read back at the things that happened, it gives me motivation to forget and continue moving on in MY way, not the way she wants me to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the reply.

 

Having seen her on the Thursday (re: my reply above about seeing her outside the shop), two of her housemates came round to my house on the Saturday evening for drinks and a catch up with me and my housemates, we all seem to have drifted apart slightly since my ex and I broke up. They asked if my ex could come round as she'd asked to, I said yeh sure I don't have a problem with it. I didn't and it was nice to just relax socially with her, especially in the comfort of my own home; but the more we drunk the more I realised I love her (I don't mean I got stupid drunk and said anything).

 

I think I've gotten to the point where I know I don't need her, I guess I always knew that but I just want her really badly. It was difficult to sit there a metre or two away from her and not be able to touch her or speak to her properly, I didn't show it though and it was a fun night and was good to have catch up with them all. It got to about 2am when they left, we hadn't drunk anything since 11-12 so I decided to reply to her initial "are you sure we can't ever be just friends" text and replied along the lines of "I wasn't sure what to say to your text last monday but I think now I do. we get along great, we always have but deep down I think you know that right now we wouldn't work as friends. That's not to say that perhaps at some point in the future I wouldn't like that, some day I might but right now I'm happy, I'm doing better than I have for a long time and I think we both just need to move on". I'm still not sure whether I regret sending it, I guess I don't because I know I'd be wanting to send it now if I hadn't but part of me wishes I had the opportunity to say it in person because I don't really think I conveyed what I wanted through a text.

 

She hasn't replied, I didn't exactly expect her to but I guess I was secretly hoping she might. I've read Zorba's post in the "reverse pyshcology" thread and I guess I'm going along similar lines. I don't know how she feels, I guess her "are you sure we can't ever be just friends" text gave me a little hope, she was obviously thinking about me in some way, she chose to come around on Saturday night as well but I'm not reading anything into it. I have 4 months until I leave, perhaps at some point during that time I'll reach a point where I have to take it by the horns and give it one last shot but for now I think she deserves her freedom, she looks happy and I guess, for now, I'm happy as well.

 

Thanks for replying again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Thought I'd post a reply/update incase it's of any use to anyone down the line.

 

I contacted my ex on Thursday, basically saying that in three months time we were both leaving uni and that I'd rather leave having spoken, being able to smile when we remember each other and not leave it as it was (not really speaking). I asked if she'd like to catch up some time but that it was in her hands, I'd only ask this once (and I won't ask anymore) but for me, it was silly to let my pride and how well I'm doing now prevent at least some kind of friendship between us in the future. She replied (to my surprise) and said she was a bit busy at the moment with work (which I know is true, my housemate does the same uni course and has the same work) but perhaps after the Easter break. It may sound odd compared to my messages above (perhaps not?), especially as they werent that long ago but I seem to care less and less nowadays about the outcome of anything to do with her and I. Obviously I'd like some kind of friendly, civil conversation between us - I wouldn't have contacted her otherwise, but had she not replied I wouldn't have cared less. It'd have been her loss.

 

Anyway, she text me tonight asking to go for coffee tomorrow. Well actually she worded it as if it say we could go for a coffee if I wanted, as if it suggest it as I was asking this time. We exchanged a few texts and gradually they turned into her asking me to meet, as immature and pathetic as it may sound it feels like a mini victory inside I've said I'm a little busy (I am) but I'll contact her if I get the time.

 

I want to go, but I feel like I've got a foot up for the first time since we broke up 9 months ago. This is the first time she has shown any kind of weakness or sign of asking me for something, it might just end up that she's over me and wants to be friends, I'm prepared for that outcome but it may be the opposite. Would I be stupid not to go? I guess it'd show if she was 'fishing' or if she really was serious about whatever her intentions are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...