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How Can I Prove It?


BigPappa

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I don't really get into online forums, but I am so frustrated with my girl, and I need some help.

 

We've been together 2 1/2 years, but we broke up and got back together in November. We want to spend our lives together, and she wants to get engaged, but I'm just not ready. I told her we could get could get engaged in 2009, and even though I thought I would be ready, I really only told her that because I didn't want her to leave me. I know I messed up.

 

Now she says she doesn't think I'll ever want to marry her, but I know I will. Just not now. She's pretty much given up all hope of ever getting a proposal from me. How can I show her that I mean business without actually getting engaged?

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Hi, and welcome to ENA.

 

Can you talk to her and ask her why having the title of fiancee and having a ring is so important? If she's insecure then having that will give her a sense of security and a constant reminder that, yes, you do want to be with her. I know you know how you feel, but if she has self-doubt, that can eat away at her confidence in your feelings for her.

 

For a lot of people I think that they want to be settled in a job and financially secure first before they think about marriage (like in a career and that sort of thing), but also, you've only been back together for three months. Really, if you've broken up and gotten back together, it's like starting a new relationship. Is that another factor in your feeling of not being ready?

 

Just talk to her. Acknowledge her fears that maybe you won't want her, but also tell her about what your hesitations are. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready, but don't leave her hanging in limbo for too long. If you are open with her and really honest about how you feel, that will give her a bit more security without entering into an engagement. Because if you go into that without YOU being sure, then it is a lot more likely to fail. She'll be happy, but you'll feel pressured. Talk to her and find a compromise.

 

It sounds like all she wants is security. Assurance. Can give this to her with words and actions instead of with an engagement?

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You should probably sit her down and tell her you two really need to work this out. She can’t pressure and threaten engagement on you, or else she’ll leave you…That’s highly unfair to you and really shouldn’t be tolerated in a since. It’s a selfish thing to hold over someone…If you aren’t ready to be married, then you just aren’t. Everyone knows when they’re ready to have that commitment and title placed on them…it’s a lot of hard work and financial issues that go in place with marriage. She needs to be more respectful of your feelings and emotions…not playing these games and trying to get you to commit before you’re ready to take her down the aisle. If she loves you and respects you, and wants to be with you, what’s so wrong with waiting till you both are ready…a marriage isn’t just a one sided commitment…if she expects things to work between the two you, without causing stress and pressuring you into what you aren’t ready for…then really the marriage is doomed to fail.

 

I can understand that you would love and can see yourself with this women sometime in the future…but if she can’t even respect your feelings in this and trying to peer pressure you in a since towards getting engaged…how is this even slightly fair to you, and showing that she truly cares about your feelings?

 

I don’t know. In my opinion you have to sit down and tell her the truth from the bottom of your heart. And if she listens and understands what your saying…then great, if not…I’m sure you’ll be better off then letting yourself get pressured into marriage…that rather kills the moment and spark that getting engaged brings, in my opinion.

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Have you told her the reasons as to why you don't feel ready?

 

You both need to communicate your feelings a lot better. Simply telling someone you are not ready, without explaining why will obviously leave the other person wondering.

 

If you yourself are not sure as to why you don't feel ready, then perhaps you need to start looking deeper inside yourself to find an answer as to why and then be honest with your girlfriend and yourself.

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My guy and I are in the same situation-kind of. The problem is that he doesn't talk about his feelings. When I ask him how he feels, he responds, "I love you, and I want to marry you, but I'm not ready." I don't feel like that's enough. I want to know WHY he's not ready and when he thinks he might be. She's probably just looking for an explanation.

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