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I'm engaged....and I'm in love - but it's not him


Moonfall

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I have been with my fiance for 6 years, we have been engaged for about 2 months. We are getting married in August!!

 

Our relationship has never been one full of passion. Nor intense love. But we get along well, and have always been happy together. His proposal wasn't a surprise, I knew it was coming, especially since I'd basically given him a timeline. It was the next step I suppose.

 

Our wedding is mostly planned.

 

Then...

 

Something happened. I fell in love....with someone else. It is interesting how it happened. He is a friend of a friend, and we chatted one night at a pub - then, exchanged email addresses to he could send me a contact for a business opportunity.

 

From here, we started chatting on msn, constantly. We now can't go a day without talking, or chatting. He has made me feel more passion and love then I ever have in my current relationship. We haven't slept together yet, I am actually scared half to death of seeing him again, for fear that I won't be able to stay away from him after that. Also, he lives about 12 hours away from me. He was in town the first time we met, on business, and rarely comes here.

 

He is 14 years older then me. He is divorced, and has two kids. I am 25, he is 39.

 

I worry about our age difference a little, but only because of what other people will think. I am very mature for my age, and that helps. (Even if this post seems like i'm not, due to how horrid I feel).

 

God I don't know what to do. I am anxious when I'm not talking to this other man, It hurts to not be near him, My stomach hasn't been settled for months. I crave his voice whenever we can talk. I am head over heels in love with him.

 

Interesting addition - He's not that attractive physically. But I am attracted TO him physically. Does that make sense?

 

So....Here is what is going through my head for options:

 

1) Stop talking to him, ignore this, and marry my fiance.

 

2) Go see him...because perhaps I won't truly know until I see him again. Then, judge my decision after that as to what to do about my fiance/wedding.

 

3) Leave my fiance either way??

 

 

And IF, lets say, I leave my fiance, and decide to be with this other man?? Then what? I pick up my life? Because my life is fairly moveable, his is not. He has his kids, he has a very good position with a very important company. I don't really mind leaving, except - that I would miss my friends and family. I would also wonder what they would all think?? Why am I letting that aspect of this get to me? God - I would have to cancel a wedding, tell my family, my mother! - my friends, our friends, I would have to move out, leave my fiance. How on earth does someone do all that?

 

I'm in deep. HELP!

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What would make you the happiest?

 

I know you might be too confused to know that yet, but that's what you need to identify. If you think you would be settling for marrying your fiance, then by all means leave him. It isn't fair to him to stay with him if you don't really want to be with him.

 

You both deserve the opportunity to be happy.

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I think you should definitely call off the engagement and tell your fiancé the truth. He deserves someone who loves him and only him and won't cheat emotionally on him with another man.

 

As for the other man: I don't think you should make any decisions until you have ended your engagement and seen how things go after that.

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We talk on the phone and online. As we can't see eachother. But we have met.

 

We talk about 3 times a day....whenever we can.

 

We've known eachother 4 months.

 

You are in love with a guy you barely even have spent time with?

 

I think you are just kidding yourself with a fantasy that you are in love with because you are unhappy with your current relationship.

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Have you discussed with this new guy the possibility of you ending your relationship with your bf and of you moving closer to him to see if there is a chance of a relationship, and in time moving in or getting married, having children with him?

 

Does he know thats what you have in mind? Or is the plan just to meet up and 'be together' ?

 

If you havent discussed any of those things then its a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

And I agree with DN, if you feel anything for your fiance you should tell him the truth, he deserves it.

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"going around falling in love" -- this is not something that people just do by choice.

 

No, but choosing to engage in an emotional affair is a choice. There was a point when the emails went from friendly "business advice" to flirting/something more and you willingly participated. That was a conscious choice.

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I know this - I don't deny that I have done and am doing isn't an affair. I know what i've done is wrong.

 

And to other that say I should leave my fiance - I do agree, and I know I will. I need the courage to do it. This makes me a coward, I am aware of this.

 

I guess, interestingly enough, I had made up my mind already without realizing it.

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As someone who is engaged to be married, you really should never have put yourself in the sort of situation where you could develop romantic feelings for someone. Set up a business proposition? Please, we all know when we are approaching the area of conversation that goes from business friendly to intimate and if you are trying to keep it honest, you don't go there. It sounds like a highly typical case of stuck in a relationship that you are scared of and that you dont think is good enough so immediately latch onto the next closest thing. It is like getting a drop of water after wandering through the desert, doesn't matter if it tastes good.

 

Stop being dishonest to your fiance and cheating on him emotionally, break it off and give it a go with the new guy. It's not a pretty start, but at least you can stop the lying.

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Is getting married something you really want to do? It doesn't sound like you're doing it for the right reasons. People get married when they feel certain they found the ONE person they want to commit to. It is dedication on the highest level. You are obviously not there yet. It's very clear.

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You should be ashamed of yourself tagging along a man for so long and even giving him a time line to propose and accepting his proposal weeks before falling in love with someone else. Thats beyond me

 

That's kind of harsh, no? We can't help who we're attracted to sometimes. What we do have control over is how we act on that attraction, and she hasn't done anything yet. That's why she's seeking advice.

 

To the o.p.: This is really about your relationship with your current bf, not this new guy. Because let's say you marry your fiance and end it with the other guy- what happens if you meet someone else, later on, that sparks these feelings in you again? It will be too late then. I say cancel the wedding and take some time to really think about what you want.

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You are in love with a guy you barely even have spent time with?

 

I think you are just kidding yourself with a fantasy that you are in love with because you are unhappy with your current relationship.

 

I agree with this 100%. You have known this other guy for 4 months and hardly spent any time with him at all. I'm guessing what you are feeling is infatuation and a distraction from your current unhappy relationship and not love.

 

I also agree with DN that you should end the relationship with your fiance if you don't love him and aren't attracted to him. In fact, I am unsure why you ever accepted a proposal from him in the first place if this is how you felt.

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not to sideline your post but I was about halfway in thinking 'holy crap shes talking about me'

 

Ive been with my fiance for a while, getting married in august, she knew I was gonna propose.... just glad you werent her posting this

 

That said, you have no business getting married to guy a, if your heart still belongs to guy b, weather you have a chance of being with him or not....

you should be 110% commited to your fiance/ husband to have a functional marriage. Not be in love with someone else.

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you are probably just feeling this because you are getting cold feet a little.

i mean

you've been with this guy since you were 18/19

was he the only guy with whom you've had sex?

i feel like you're more into the adventure than into him. you want the drama, the thrill, the passion. you remind me of carrie when she is anxious because her relationship is too perfect.

 

ring a bell?

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this sounds heavier than "cold feet a little". if after 6 years you are not 100% committed to the relationship with your fiance, then you should definitely cut that loose. end it as fast as you can.

 

there's no telling whether this new infatuation is anything more than well, infatuation. it is possible that you subconsciously allowed yourself to fall for someone else, so that you'd have an 'out' from the engagement that deep down you seem to know isn't right.

 

then again, you may actually have potential with the new 'love'. word of serious caution: give yourself some time to heal after ending the engagement before jumping into a new relationship. keep the new 'love' as a friend, and take things slow. also,

be sensible, and be honest. it will benefit everyone involved, including you. you don't want to convolute things, or confuse issues.

 

in ending a relationship of 6 years (even if it's the right thing to do-- and it sounds like it is) there will be massive amounts of difficult feelings. your fiance sounds like a nice person, and is at the least, a friend.

 

if you are sloppy in your dealings, you will definitely lose the friendship of the fiance, and the guilt may come back and bite you.

 

if you jump in to something new too quickly after ending the engagement, you could very well ruin any chance at happiness with the new interest.

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I think that you should not get married. you don,t get married feeling this way, and it's not fair to your fiancé and he needs to know the truth...

 

once your engagement is broken and you are free you can explore this new relationship and see if it's really "love" but it sounds like the infactuatino beginnings.

 

once u know what u want it doesn't matter what others think, about your broken engagement and called-off wedding. don,t get marreid for appearances. it's your life, there are no children involved for you and your fiance which is a good thing, don,t get married have kids and then decide it as all a mistake, u willl hurt the kids. for no there are only adults involved and u can dp what is best for you. if you do it for appearances it will backfire and they will be even more idsappointed.

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