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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hi there,


New to this forum. I have a conundrum to which maybe you can provide some valuable advice.


I was together with my girlfriend for 9 years from 1996 to 2005 and really in love with her. Unfortunately the relationship deteriorated in 2003 when I cheated on her and she found out after a year. Let me precise that the relationship was long distance for the whole of that time. The rapport broke down for a number of reasons: 1) we were probably not mature enough to make common goals and objectives together (when to move in together, were and how…etc) 2) The long distance destroyed the relationship in the long run and hence my reprehensible act 3) we no longer communicated effectively about our issues towards the end…Suffice to say that in 2005 she went to work in a holiday camp and met a new man. In september of 2005 she told me our relationship was defintely over. You guessed it….I did all the wrong things to get her back, pleading, begging, calling, sms….you name it. This went on for two months and then we went our separate ways. Unsurprisingly her rebound relationship did not last and she soon split-up with the guy.


Slowly I started dating other girls and she met other men. Occasionally we would hear each other on the phone but nothing more nothing less. As time went by I did get involved in another important relationship which however did not work out.


In 2007 we started calling each other more regularly, until she decided to come and see me (remember this involves a plane ride for us both). Things went well and the friendship returned as well as some light hearted spirit. We saw each other probably 3 or 4 times in 2008, with one or the other having to travel to see the other. Whenever we saw each other we spent some very enjoyable and bonding moments together (doing different things), but never was there any sexual contact of any nature during those visits either from my side or hers. Analysing the situation I realised I still had strong feelings for her and am still attracted to her very much, although with the space of a number of years I can think with a cool head now.


Most recently we spent new years eve together in Italy in 2009 and St Valentines this year in Paris (where she was working), again we had some great bonding moments, closeness and light-hearted chats. She has now booked a ticket to come to London in April.


Before christmas she told me that she had been thinking a lot, she says that I have 95% of the qualities that she would be looking for in a man, greatly respects me and really misses me when I am not around however she has lost attraction for me (as she has changed) and can't explain why (Besides theres nothing worse than asking a girl why?). This may be due to the fact that I had an accident about a year ago which put me out of action for some months and I did put on weight, slowly losing it now with some exercise. She says I should not wait for her and that if I find someone else she will be happy for me although sad herself, she dosen't want to stop me.


The above message is however contradictory to a number of things: whenever we see each other there is a real bonding experience (although it has not ultimately led to sexual interaction), we cuddle and kiss each other fondly, we say stupidities and jokes, we sleep in the same bed, she says I am unique, she seeks close physical contact when outside, she says it would be nice to move somewhere together, she actively trys to set-up a new date when we can see each other (usually monthly), she says openly that she will never find someone like me again, she cooks for me, every other night she sends me a goodnight text message and sometimes in the day e-mails me especially if I do not e-mail her. These are short texts usually with not much info but just to see how I am doing, whats new and goodnight wishes…etc


Now my questions are as follows:


- What should I do to try and win her heart back, realizing she has a complex charcter? Is it worth trying in such a situation?

- Do you think there is still something there or am I just illuding myself? And if so why would she want to see me this often and have such contrasting attitudes

- Any ideas how I can approach this situation subconsciously when she comes to see me in April? Asking her directly is out of the question or I will get the same reply, they say you should try and get back the magic you used when you first started dating a person, acting on the emotional aspects rather than the logical sphere, is this right?



As you can see the above is quite complex, considering the time that has passed I can now think with a cool head. And I do still have strong sentiments towards this woman which I can't deny.



Any specific advice that you can provide based on the above info would be useful, thanks again

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a grand romantic gesture perhaps? how about a surprise trip to where she lives, flowers, jewelry (ring maybe?), the works, and just declare your undying love for her and see what she does, If she's swept off her feet, she loves you, but if not it might be time to move on.

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I'm of the dignity camp--especially when someone has specifically told you she's not attracted to you romantically. I believe grand gestures only work in chick flicks, but since you've already mentioned the word 'subliminal,' I doubt you're in danger of taking things over the top.


I don't see any harm in working out and using good skin care and visiting a hair stylist (rather than Pop's barber) and dressing well to support your own self esteem. You can use April as your dealbreaker--either she's into you, or she's not, and if she won't budge beyond mixed signals during that visit, then write her off.


Meanwhile, I'd work on minimizing the importance of that outcome rather than building it up with fantasy or expectations. I'd adopt meditation or some other relaxation technique and turn the whole thing over to whatever form of fate or power you believe in. Then let the thing decide itself. (That, in and of itself, is a decision.)


I tend to find that once I'm clear that I've done all I can to bring my personal best to any given issue, I can let it go to some back burner in the corner of my mind and stop feeding it my attention. That's when things seem to 'cook' and work out on their own. Meanwhile, I'm free to invest my focus on new things and bring those fully to life. There's nothing more attractive, subliminally or otherwise, than a balanced mind and healthy living.


In your corner.

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