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What are my chances? (long, sorry!)


moranna
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hi! Looking for some help and advice here. I've left out both our genders and wrote a novel to help give people some understanding.

 

I was friends with someone for awhile and we ended up falling in love, but the relationship did not last long. The reason was because, bluntly, I was not a very nice partner. I took my significant other for granted and basically acted like an immature brat a lot of the time! I've figured out three reasons why I acted in such a way; 1) I was on medication that made me irritable and heightened a lot of negative parts of my personality. 2) I had gotten out of a longer relationship and I did not mentally transition into a new one, I treated it as if it was older and more stable because that is what I had been use to. 3) I have insecurity issues from previous relationships and events in my life.

 

I had basically "changed" in the relationship.

 

Now, before you guys think of responding with "if they can't handle you at your worse maybe it isn't love". Well, I can't stress enough how ridiculous I would be. It wasn't a matter of simple disagreements.

 

It's 100% my fault!

 

Obviously, I want this person back. I feel as if I truly do love them. But I acted like such an idiot and a fool. I cut the medicine and I feel like I've become much more tolerant and little stupid things don't "get" to me anymore.

 

We broke up about a month and a half ago, but here is where it gets messy.

 

Mistakes were made after the relationship. I did not give this person space, and I constantly wanted to talk about what happened and why and I tried to force a reconciliation (when they weren't ready). I did everything; I got angry, I got upset, I got passive aggressive, but mostly I promised changes and begged for forgiveness. I made glaring mistakes -- I kept reopening wounds that had not healed, I did not give them space and worse of all I did/said things they didn't want to participate in. I wanted reassurance and answers they couldn't give me.

 

Throughout this time, they did confess they still loved me and wanted me and wish this never happened and still often thought about me, but it came down to my promises of change came too late. They did not believe I could change. I ruined what we had because of my actions. I hurt them, badly.

 

As time progressed, I did not relent. I got more sad and scared. This pushed them away. It went from hesitantly acting like we were still together, to a sort of cool detachment and disinterest. Now I'm told by this person that they only want friendship, no longer love me (but they admitted to still having feelings...), it isn't the same anymore and that they don't think they can ever be with me again. All they think about when thinking about our relationship is the bad stuff that had happened.

 

Argh! I screwed up again! I did EXACTLY what you're NOT suppose to do. I tried through the whole breakup to do what you're SUPPOSE to do, but it is very hard. Especially when you're often dealing with this person (it isn't a matter of no contact, due to circumstance we're often around one another and share the same friends). It doesn't help that I feel resentful and hurt and feel that I'm now the one being taken for granted.

 

I'm basically at 0. Sort of friends. What the heck do I do?

 

Is this salvageable at all? Can I regain the respect and trust and allow the opportunity for this person to fall in love with me again (Can they even?). At one point, this person felt VERY strongly for me, and this whole ordeal destroyed them. They were heartbroken. THEY couldn't eat or sleep. I've been told by them and by their friends. They still tell me they miss feeling "that way" and miss what we had (aside from the crap of course), and wished things were still good between us in that way.

 

I know you can't make someone fall in love with you, or make them fall in love with you again. I know none of you can read minds and even the person in question can't see the future. But if I completely cut all the bad negative crap (that causes tensions... you know bad memories, pleading, etc) and be the pleasant person they originally fell in love with, is there still hope in the future?

 

I've cut out the trivial immaturity that broke us up but now it has been replaced by a deeper, more real (and justified) pain. I *very much* want to be an ideal partner and I firmly believe that I can make changes for the better. We were best friends and we both wanted a lot more, but I took it for granted at the time.

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As someone who is currently in the same situation as you, except on the other end of things. If they still have feelings, there is no changing that, all you can do is be your best, and hope that they will open up to that. You need to find a way within yourself to prove that you can be that ideal partner. Everyone has their faults, but they wouldn't tell you that there was still feelings if they didn't have even the smallest amount of hope. Take things slow and prove to them what a wonderful person you can be and from there it should sort itself out. if you don't mind me asking htouhg, what did you do?

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Congrats on your self reflection. It's a big step, and it considers everything you need to recognize except for the two most important ingredients. T.i.m.e. and patience.

 

Your urgency killed your earlier attempts--so that is the thing to let go of. You already learned that attention-seeking doesn't get you what you want, but it's only been less than two months, and you haven't even given yourself the opportunity to test the power of invisibility and long-range thinking.

 

You say that NC is impossible, so you're already ruling out the chance of meeting up at a party in 6 months or so and sharing a laugh over all the water that's run under the bridge--you believe you must stay in the picture to keep stirring things up. That's not the way to cultivate the depth and peace of still waters.

 

I'd suggest going off on your own to make some new friends in addition to staying only in touch with some of your closest, most important current friends, and with as little exposure as possible to the ex. Talk with these people about everything under the sun EXCEPT for the ex--or else you'll discover too late that it's just manipulation, which tends to back fire, no matter what you say or intend for it to 'mean'. This also affords your ex the opportunity to hear that you seem to be doing fine, no mention of the ex, no keeping the drama alive.

 

You want answers now, and that urgency is still your biggest enemy. Quit the need for instant gratification, and trust that if it's meant to be, the only steps you can take to effectively aid repair are ones of keeping your eye on long-range instead of short-range, allowing the future to take you to higher ground on its own--and allowing the ex to miss you without your interference.

 

I'd 'hands off' this thing, and you could end up pleasantly surprised by how much peace and confidence this will bring you. If you find yourself trying to affect outcomes, then you'll know you're screwing it up. Let time heal. It does. And without any 'help'.

 

In your corner.

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catfeeder said pretty much everything I wanted to say.

 

I also wanted to add that you should try to forgive yourself. You are being pretty hard on yourself. You are human and you make mistakes. That's just a fact and everyone else makes them too. The only thing you have to be concerned with is doing the best you can. If you feel like you didn't or couldn't do your best, then figure out what that was and fix it. Not for this other person, but for yourself.

 

You say there is ongoing contact, so over time, this other person will start to notice the changes even when you're not trying to make him/her see. It's hard to say how, but people notice when someone they know has found inner peace. When they notice, you will become more attractive without doing anything other than just being yourself. They were attracted to you once and they can be again. But you have to find yourself first. Recognizing your issues is a good first step.

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