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Is it my fault?


misslorelei
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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I'm not really sure where to begin, or if this is even serious enough to bother you all with it.

 

My boyfriend has what I call Dark Moods. During these times he either:

-withdraws completely, becoming entirely unresponsive to my voice, touch, anything

-becomes self-blaming/self-harming where he rants about what a terrible person he is and either tries or threatens to do himself harm

-accuses me of infidelity, which can range from simply not loving him enough, to specific accusations with other men who I have merely talked to

-becomes sexually aggressive, where he presses himself on me for painful and usually humiliating sex acts. I don't think he has come without me crying in a long time

 

But he also has a Good Mood, where he pampers me, tells me how much he loves me, treats me like the best girlfriend in the world.

 

These moods occur erratically and with no apparent triggers or causes, and I never know when I pick up the phone or see him which one I will be facing, and they can shift from one to the next without warning. Sometimes his moods, good or bad, last for days; other times, they shift in a matter of minutes.

 

He also wants me to spend all of my free time with him, and gets jealous if I hang out with friends (in varying degrees according to his mood). According to him, all of my male friends are trying to steal me from him. He has even gotten jealous of his own best friend and some of my girl friends in this regard. His demands on my time have me getting almost no sleep, and the quality of my work is falling off. I don't see my friends except by chance encounters, which he says is my fault. He says that he doesn't keep me away from my friends, and if I wanted to hang out with them I would, but then whenever I say that I want to, he goes dark.

 

I admit that I am not the most sexually open person in the world, and I'm trying to work on that, but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him it HURTS, though he sometimes gets upset when I do, and he gets angry when I do something wrong, but he always pets me when he's finished and says that he's sorry and assures me that it wasn't my fault.

 

He's also a fairly antisocial person, but he does have friends, and when they are worried about one of his moods they come to me instead of him because they don't want to confront him. I usually end up placating him when he is in a Dark Mood.

 

He used to drink quite heavily, but quit after a fight about 6 months ago saying that it was the cause for all of the problems in our relationship. I thought that things would get better after that, but instead of drinking now, all he does is complain that he wishes he could drink, and not much else has changed.

 

He says that if I have any problem with him, like the drinking had been, I should tell him. But whenever I try to talk to him, I can never finish because he always ends up going into one of his moods and I end up being the one apologizing.

 

I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells to keep from doing or saying something that will set him off. However, there have only been three times when I have genuinely feared him, instead of just the usual worry:

 

-When a guy friend of mine came up to me and hugged me at a party my boyfriend and I had gone to.

-When I pushed him off of me while I was trying to get dressed.

-When I suggested that maybe we should get counseling.

 

He has never struck me, but I have never been so afraid that he would as in those moments. He just shook with rage and ended up hitting something else instead, like the wall. Then he shut down for several hours, and then he yelled at me.

 

 

And I know that this is going to sound pathetic, but when he is good, he is so good. All sweetness and thoughtful, and love and reassurance. And I end up questioning whether the bad mood that he was in was real at all. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry to inconvenience you all with my silly question, but I felt like I had to get it all out in print somewhere, and maybe I can get some advice in the process.

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NO!!! It is NOT your fault!!

 

this sounds like my son, who is 20 and has bipolar. Drinking turns him into Satan. There's no predictability to his moods and it's so anxiety producing to not know what you're going to find. Only people who have been thru this understand how harrowing it is. You have had a long hard day at work and look forward to some relief and mental relaxation and the place where you're supposed to get that is a hellhole.

 

I totally feel your pain. Walking on eggshells is NO WAY to live.

 

As much as it pains you, get out of this situation NOW. He will always blame you and drag you down-that's the nature of the Beast. Yes, it's sad, but you must save yourself.

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I'm sorry to inconvenience you all with my silly question, but I felt like I had to get it all out in print somewhere, and maybe I can get some advice in the process.

 

 

This really isn't a silly question. This is serious. Your bf sounds horrible. Maybe he has good moods, but these Dark moods are the ones that can do some very, very permanent damage.

 

Unfortunately, I have heard this happen to many people, including some of my female friends. This makes us Nice-Guys feel like crap, knowing some * * * * * * * is getting attention instead of us. Unfortunately, whatever they have seems to be working.

 

I would just advise you to think about long-term status. If you keep going at the rate you are now, things won't change. Sitting down and having a chat with him doesn't sound like much of an option. I think you need to get the point accross that you aren't willing to put up with these dark moods. I would just be VERY careful, as he does sound like a violent person. He might not hit you, but he sounds like he would go and get revenge in other ways, like property destruction, or emotionally.

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rereading your post, I could cry. it's the same with my son. When he is good, he is a wonderful person, sensitive, loving, intelligent, considerate. I hold onto those images I have of him when I'm in despair,but realistically, they keep me trapped. because more and more, the evil bastard in him comes out.

 

He is projecting all of his insecurities on to you and you will not grow as a person if you continue to humor him. You will lose your self and your soul.

 

There is no rational explanation for why he is like he is and why he does what he does. What remains is that you are afraid of him and his moods, you can't be yourself and you are fearful in his presense.

 

It's NO WAY TO LIVE.

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OMG!! I'm so sorry to be posting again in such a fragmented fashion!

 

I have allowed the verbal and emotional abuse. But at Thanksgiving, it got physical and that's one thing I VOWED I would never let happen to me. He hasn't done it since, but I figure it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

 

Don't allow ANYTHING else to escalate-no abuse of any kind! You think they're not capable of it, or that they would never do that to YOU....well, it happens, so again, take yourself out of that equation.

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Those dark moods are scary to say the least. Im sorry you are dealing with this & I would advice you to leave him asap. Im sorry, I dont usually say - break up, leave him or her but he is very very abusive & you dont deserve to be treated like this.

 

Remember the good moods & how he treats you during that time? - well that's how you should ALWAYS be treated, not just when he has a good day.

 

 

 

This certainly isn't a way to live, like someone else said

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No.. this doesn't sound like bipolar.. AT ALL. Could be Borderline Personality Disorder as his mood flips are rampant. He also seems terrified of abandonment, threatens self hurt, practices forms of self mutilation, and has quite a temper. But who knows. I certainly can't diagnose him and definitely not from a forum post.

 

He is being abusive of you and he has you wrapped around his finger.. Heck, so much so.. that you thought this was a silly question!! If I were you, I would pack your bags tonight and get out of there. These are not qualities you will ever be able to change in him and there is no reason to try and endure that sort of "marathon." Actually, I wouldn't even tell him you are leaving until you are physically removed and safe somewhere that he will not think to come find you.. Please be safe.

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I am mortified at how horrible this situation is. I'm going to give you my honest to god opinion.

 

Sweety, he has some things he needs to work out. It is GOING to harm you in the future. Notice I said it, meaning the situation. Although, he sounds aggressive too. I do agree that this sounds like Borderline Personality, but probably not. Borderline effects mostly females, thereforee, I kinda doubt it. I'm not going to say anyone has any disorder, but I 100% recommend you go to a doctor, preferably someone with a psychiatry degree, and tell you're situation. My honest opinion is that he might need an intervention to have him get help. I would worry about your safety if you did it alone. Get some help for your situation. Please, you sound like a nice girl that shouldn't be going through this at all. PM me if you want to talk about it more. Much hope!

 

And to everyone else,

People need to think what they are saying on these forums! She can't just honestly "pack her bags and leave", It's not rational advice! Although some could do it, she obviously loves him! She has made it thus far, she will make it until she can find someone who might be able to help.

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" I don't see my friends except by chance encounters, which he says is my fault. He says that he doesn't keep me away from my friends, and if I wanted to hang out with them I would, but then whenever I say that I want to, he goes dark."

 

None of this is your fault. he blames you because he has no insight into his issues and is projecting them onto you.

 

"I admit that I am not the most sexually open person in the world, and I'm trying to work on that, but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him it HURTS, though he sometimes gets upset when I do, and he gets angry when I do something wrong, but he always pets me when he's finished and says that he's sorry and assures me that it wasn't my fault. "

 

He is being sexually abusive to you and you need to ask yourself why you are allowing this and how long you will let it go on.

 

I would leave this relationship as he is not trying to gain insight and help himslef and you are being sexually abused.

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And to everyone else,

People need to think what they are saying on these forums! She can't just honestly "pack her bags and leave", It's not rational advice! Although some could do it, she obviously loves him! She has made it thus far, she will make it until she can find someone who might be able to help.

 

I was thinking about what I was saying. She CAN pack her bags and leave. She is in an abusive relationship. The minute it turns physically abusive you don't stick around and try to help him.. you remove yourself from the situation. I've known a number of woman who were in abusive marriages, with children, not just relationships and that is exactly what they did (and should have done).

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Thank you all for your advice. I keep making such long posts, but I think that it's important to get as much information to you as I can.

 

I'm actually currently seeing a counselor (he wasn't too pleased about this, but it is under the guise of getting over my sex issues), but she mostly says that she's not going to give me any advice and that I need to come to my own conclusions. She also recommended that if I'm worried about his behavior I should talk to people that he is close to.

 

He is still extremely close to his parents and goes to visit them frequently, often bringing me along (that's actually where he is this weekend, which is why I can be doing this now. He was in a good mood when he left, and has seemed to be every time he's called so far, so that's good). But he and his mother fight like mad. When I've been around, I usually just try to stay out of the way of their fights, as they really scare me and make me uncomfortable. When I ask him about them later, he usually just says that's the way things have always been with her since he was a little kid. I've tried to talk to her, but she just says how helpful I've been to him, and that he gets into moods, but he always gets himself right back out and I just need to be patient.

 

Friends of his that I've talked to say how good I've been for him too, how much calmer he seems now than before he started dating me. I've learned all about his last girlfriend, who did things like invent other guys that she was seeing with the express purpose of making him jealous, take the car and leave him stranded in the middle of nowhere if they had a fight away from home, and eventually attacked him with a knife (There were witnesses. He has a restraining order against her).

 

He personally also seems to alternate between being completely unaware of how his behavior is affecting me, to being hyperaware to the point that it sends him into the self-blaming phase of his Dark Moods if I seem anything less than ecstatic. The remorse makes me feel bad because I feel like my discomfort is being blown out of proportion, but at the same time there's a tiny bit of hope that because he's realized that something does hurts me, he won't do it again.

 

He says that he knows that he isn't a perfect guy, and that he as problems, but begs me not to leave him and not to take him to a counselor because if I do then I "will have killed him." He says that he's trying to work through his problems by himself and cites the fact that he's stopped drinking as one sign of his progress, along with his improved work performance, and testimonies from his friends.

 

 

I don't think that I could just pack my bags and leave. I'm not financially stable enough to just pick up and move, and anywhere I would go to be with other people, be it friends or my own parents, would be at most a couple hours away by car, and still entirely accessable to him. Also, as self-centered as it may sound, I'm afraid of leaving him without anyone to lean on, and that if I do leave, I will have killed him, as he says. Also, I'm not sure how much support I would be able to get from friends, because though a few agree that something seems wrong and I do seem unhappy, most can't believe that he's anything but a nice guy.

 

I have thought about leaving before, I admit it. I just don't know how to.

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Could you go to stay with your parents? If he is gone this weekend, it sounds like a good chance to get out there.

 

You are a strong woman. Realize how many people would not be able to handle what you have been through with this man. If you can handle that.. you do not need him to lean on. You have been carrying both his and your own weight.

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It will not kill him if you leave, but it might kill you eventually if you dont. Listen you are young & have much of your life ahead of you. You are not married to this man nor do you have children, it is NOT your job to change him. He is an emotional mess & he should not be in a relationship until he straightens himself out. Which he might never ever do.

 

Do you want to live like this forever? Heck you are even scared when he calls because you dont know what kind of mood he will be in. The kind of life you are living is not something anyone wants! Do your parents know of all this?

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He sounds like my ex's brother who's bi-polar... Exactly same thing is happening to him,especially when he drinks.. Be becomes totally different person-evil,nasty etc.

You gotta talk to his family if you can(I don't think you can explain him directly what's happening) you can try.. You know him better!

 

I wish you all the best in solving this situation. Btw,if you considering staying with him after he gets diagnosed and gets some treatment beware bi-polar ppl tend to get physically abusive and unfaithful(my ex's bi-polar brother cheated on his pregnant wife who has a year old daughter on top of that)

 

Good luck!!

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He sounds like my ex's brother who's bi-polar... Exactly same thing is happening to him,especially when he drinks.. Be becomes totally different person-evil,nasty etc.

You gotta talk to his family if you can(I don't think you can explain him directly what's happening) you can try.. You know him better!

 

I wish you all the best in solving this situation. Btw,if you considering staying with him after he gets diagnosed and gets some treatment beware bi-polar ppl tend to get physically abusive and unfaithful(my ex's bi-polar brother cheated on his pregnant wife who has a year old daughter on top of that)

 

Good luck!!

 

Your ex's brother may have been bipolar and happened to be abusive as well. I know a number of bipolar people who are just the sweetest people you will ever meet that struggle between horrible depression and mania driving them into debt from outrageous spending or pregnancy from overwhelming sex drives. NOWHERE is bipolar defined as being "physically abusive and unfaithful." If you go around making such gross generalizations about people who are in pain and in need of help, you will offend somebody. What's worse you will make people who are diagnosed with this disorder (AND SCARED) very self conscious.

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First of all, yes this is serious and don't let anyone discourage you from helping yourself because he seems like a nice guy to them. They aren't in the situation and seeing him in all his moods as you are.

 

Even if you won't consider leaving now, could you just make up a backup plan of where you would go/how/quick access to money in case you need to leave? I have seen situations where things start okay and continue to escalate... He may not become physically abusive but then again he may. And it's more important that you are safe than take that chance.

 

It is clear that he needs some kind of mental health evaluation and by refusing to even consider it, he is refusing the help/advice you are offering. So do not feel that you are leaving him high and dry if you leave him. You have tried. If the problem is in his mind, you can't fix that.

 

Good luck with whatever happens! Just know that there are people who I am sure will support if you choose to/need to leave.

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I left. I'm staying with a friend now.

 

We had a huge fight last night, but this time, there were witnesses: two of his best friends and another mutual friend of ours. Finally someone else actually saw the kinds of things he does... They wanted to talk to me today, help me figure out a way out, and he intercepted me on the way out to meet them. And I just left. I told him exactly what I thought for the first time in a long time. And he begged and pleaded and threatened and cried and ran after me, and asked me to give him one more chance and that he'd change and go to any kind of counseling I wanted. But I did it.

 

But even though I am confident that this was the right thing to do, I still feel like the biggest * * * * * in the world. Because even though I was so unhappy so much of the time, I do genuinely care and worry about him. I know that may sound stupid of me, but it's true.

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I am so proud of you! That had to take serious guts. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. He survived before you met him and isn't your business to take care of. His love doesn't seem as though it has been healthy for you thus far and I wouldn't count on that changing. It is great to know that your friends are there for you. Right now, I'd focus on yourself and what you do have (who has your back vs. those who do not).

 

So many women (and men) have been put into abusive relationships and weren't able to leave. I feel like you have set a strong example for all of us who have struggled with this and can't say "no."

 

I know it is hard now, but it will work itself out.

 

Seriously though, so impressed.

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I am so proud of you! That had to take serious guts. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. He survived before you met him and isn't your business to take care of. His love doesn't seem as though it has been healthy for you thus far and I wouldn't count on that changing. It is great to know that your friends are there for you. Right now, I'd focus on yourself and what you do have (who has your back vs. those who do not).

 

So many women (and men) have been put into abusive relationships and weren't able to leave. I feel like you have set a strong example for all of us who have struggled with this and can't say "no."

 

I know it is hard now, but it will work itself out.

 

Seriously though, so impressed.

 

I agree. Good luck!!

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" ... beware bi-polar ppl tend to get physically abusive and unfaithful(my ex's bi-polar brother cheated on his pregnant wife who has a year old daughter on top of that)."

 

That sounds more anecdotal than factual, I agree that it isn't a good idea to make such overgeneralising statements. I don,t believe there is evidenc eto back your testimony.

 

sorry about your own personal experience though.

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