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Inhereted a child, don't know what to do anymore


mgirl

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Hi,

 

This is a long story, so i will try to cut it short.

 

Five months ago, i started dating a girl with a 5 year-old child. At first, i did not know he was her biological child, i thought she'd been a co parent or step parent. The child was not with her at that stage, she'd left him with her former partner because she thought it was best for the child (other siblings etc.). The reason she left the former partner is because of infidality. Just the background.

 

Fast forward to 5 months. After several heated arguments between her and myself regarding what was best for this child, she decides to take off accross the country to retrieve him. She did this without consultation with me and with little thought about how it would affect our relationship.

 

Anyhow, she gets interstate and after a few days of thought, decides to bring him back.

 

Now, i have dealt with the fact that this has been done. But, my thoughts are:

 

1. I am not ready for motherhood. I had no time to think about this and a choice would have been good.

 

2. I am not sure that this is the best thing for the child as she has put no plans into place as to how she is going to look after him. She has him in a school, but he doesn't have his own bedroom and he is subjected to a whole variety of people who may not be a good influence on him (smoking cigarettes etc). Other problem - she has involved other people in this and he has bonded with them. What is the implication of this? Doesn't he need security and two reliable parents he can count on? (not sure, just asking). > Other point, because she didn't involve me in the process, friends and family will probably never respect me as the co-parent, i will always only be the girl dating their friend / sister etc. This thing is a mess.

 

3. I really regret that i forced her to 'make a decision' and stating that it is the 'best thing' for a child to be with his/her mother, as i am not sure this is the best thing. I just don't know. I thought i did, but i don't.

 

So, one thing for sure, i have met him and while he is a sweet kid, i don't know whether i can do it. He is hard work! He's not the hardest work he could be, but he demands a relatively large amount of energy as he is quite physically active.

 

So, now, the relationship between me and this girl has changed beyond recognition. Our weekends are different, we can't get as much time together, and quite frankly, my life has changed and i am not sure i wanted it to.

 

I have really messed up and if i had have given her more support over the long-term and encouraged her to go see him, and given her more support emotionally and really listened to what she had said, she nor i would be in this situation.

 

I am really at a loss... I know that the right thing is that a child is with it's mother, but i am having a hard time adjusting. I'm not sure whether to let this go (the girl), or persevere and hope that it might change (that i will adjust).

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For the record, the right place for a child isn't necessarily with the mother. It's just not true in every case.

 

You have only been dating her for 5 months. It sounds like this isn't the life you want. If that's true, then move on. You have no obligation to "coparent" her son as he already has two parents. If you are living with her, sometimes parenting does spill over and as the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child...you will experience that if you live with them.

 

You can't change the fact that she has a child. She has an obligation to him and that's not going to change. However if you don't want to date someone with kids, then don't. I doubt she would want you to stick around if she knew you felt this way anyways.

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From what you written here before and this post, I don't think you like this child very much. You can't force yourself to do something your not comfortable with. Your the only one who can make yourself happy, if you feel this is changing your life more than you expected or want it to, then talk to her. Maybe its not going to work out. You don't have to force yourself to.

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