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90 days NC--what I know is true

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Dear ENA friends,


I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love, support, and guidance that you've shown me. I really do know that I am not alone.


It has been five months since my breakup and 90 days since I have spoken to him. This was my goal and I am really proud to have achieved it. You all helped me get there and so if you are feeling sad, then feel good about this. You made a difference in my life. I hope that you will find the right people, on ENA or elsewhere, that make a difference in your life and help you to work through your grief.


After 90 days, what I feel is relief. Relief that I am not in a relationship that drained so much of who I was out of me. At the time that I was in my relationship, I thought it was perfect. I thought we could live the way we did forever, together. With perspective, time, and physical distance, I can now see that this was not true. He is not a bad person, but he was a bad person FOR ME. It was unhealthy for us to be together. I am glad that I have time for me now and that I can make decisions about what's best for myself without having to factor someone else in.


I joined ENA around the time I went NC, and I can tell you that in the 2 months post break up and pre NC/ENA, I was suicidal. I called him on the phone and begged him to break up with the new girl. I called her all sorts of nasty words that are not appropriate to post on ENA. I screamed at him. I went to his house (before I knew they were together) and I caught them in bed together. I tried to forgive him and be sweet to him, even though he didn't deserve it. I tried to convince him that my love was enough for the both of us (it wasn't). Prior to the breakup, I ate green salads three times a week for six months just because he wanted me to, I tried to fight with him just because he wanted me to have political debates, and I went to the gym for awhile because he wanted me to (even though he refused to go himself). I left my job so that I could stay near him.


I am telling you all this so that you will know I am a poster child for giving it all away. And because I had given it all away, when he left I thought I had nothing. Nothing.


And I want you to know that I was dead wrong. Because what I had, at the root of it, deep inside, was ME. I am enough. I am not the same person I was when I met him. I am better: I know myself better.


I want you to know that this is true of each and everyone of you. Whatever happened in your relationship, whatever you gave away, now you have a wonderful opportunity to rediscover it. Underneath all of the pain and the misery, You still have YOU and who you are RIGHT NOW is enough for you to live your life and be happy. You don't have to know all the answers to believe that things will turn out well for you.


Have faith in yourselves. You are not bad or weak people, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are just a person who trusted someone who let you down. This is completely human and a good thing because it means you are a trusting and loving person.


I believe in myself again and I believe in love. I believe that it will happen again for me and I believe it will happen again for you all too.


I am still sad sometimes, but I have faith and I know for sure that these days too will pass. I still miss my ex and what we had together, but after 90 days, I am choosing to let go of all of my feelings for him-- love, anger, resentment, longing, desire, need, heartbreak-- all of them. As part of my choice to let go, I have decided to stay away from ENA for awhile so today will be my last day on the site. It's hard for me to say goodbye to all of you, but I know it's the right choice for me right now at this point in my healing process.


I see and honor the good, loving person in all of you. Even though I won't be here, I'll still be rooting for you.

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