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I'm no longer attracted to the love of my life


umbraven

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Problem: been with my bf for 4 years, and I don't enjoy sex and I'm not attracted to him anymore. But I really love him and want things to work out. I don't want to be in a broken sexless relationship for the rest of my life, but I don't want to lose him.

 

 

Long version:

 

(I am a 19 yr old female, dating a 19 yr old male)

 

Here's the situation: I met my bf in grade 9. we became the best of friends, and after a little time it blossomed into love. We were the most mature couple in high school.The summer before senior year, I moved in with his family. I got pregnant, and we kept it a secret. we got an abortion, which I still believe was the best decision for both of us and the potential child. We really weren't ready, and we both wanted to stay in school for many years.

 

The stress of dealing with this crippled me. I only had him to lean on, I'm sure it was hard for him too. unfortunately his mother was suffering from thyroid problems, which made her clinically insane while untreated, and she and I fought over the state of the house (the house was incredibly disgusting, and I was the only person making any effort to clean up after themselves. I was practically a live in maid for them.) Eventually dealing with his mother drove me to leave, though it broke our hearts to live separately.

 

My mother has a lot of mental issues and I couldn't live with her anymore. So I asked my bf to move into an apartment with me for college. The prospect scared him a lot, but he conceded. We moved into our apt, the day after Prom (last summer).

 

Since then we've both been super busy with school and work. now, in 2nd semester he 's working full time because he wants to switch courses, and must wait for the spring. I've been struggling with an anxiety disorder, and I recently started medication, which has yet to kick in.

I've heard that many young couples grow apart with time. He's a programmer, and I'm an artist. Even without liking the same things, we still jive really well. I feel that we compliment each other rather then clash.

 

My bf, has gained some weight in the last 2 years. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I'm not sure if its the weight, or if I'm under a lot of stress, or if my passion for him fizzled because we've been together so long. It could be a combination of all of those factors.

We rarely ever have sex. We've tried vibrating toys, and watching porn together, massages,high sex etc.

He is still very much attracted to me as I'm pretty cute. He tries his best to turn me on, and I end up feeling embarrassed for the both of us. Sex with him has always been kind of sloppy, and fumbly. I tense up because I'm not into sex, and I don't get off a lot.

 

Sex fails. But I love him so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I want to be with someone I can't wait to jump into bed with. We've talked about or relationship issues extensively. He's not sure if he'd be happy in a relationship with no sex in 30 years, and neither am I. He assures me that he loves me, and that he doesn't blame me. We're both terrified of loosing each other. We said that no matter what we'd still be friends for the rest of our lives. And we're going to do whatever it takes to make things better again. He's exercising and eating better. I'm trying my hardest to loosen up. We plan to seek couple counseling when we have the money (we barely make our rent).

 

 

I really want to make this work. But I don't know if a six pack is going to bring back the fire. He's trying to be more romantic; we're trying to squeeze in time to go on dates again.

 

He's said that he'll probably love me for the rest of his life. It both comforts me and fills me with guilt.

 

He said that we could still live together if we break up. I'm almost tempted to do this if all our efforts fail to revive my attraction to him. I can't imagine not being with him. But for me to stay room mates with him, (and date other people,) while he's still in love with me is cruel.

 

SO I broke down my needs into this:

- I need to have my bf in my life (I still love him, only perhaps not romantically)

- I need to have the freedom to pursue a healthy relationship (Neither of us deserve to be trapped in a broken and sexless relationship for the rest of our lives)

 

I think he'd be very hurt if I suggested an open relationship. He is a strong believer in monogamy. I'm open to the concept that we both are free to date and love whomever we want and as many people as we want. Though I'm not sure how it would actually play out. I'm the possessive, jealous type I'll admit it. I think I'd feel dethroned if he brought home another girl. I want him to be happy, and I think with some time I could accept that he deserves to have a healthy relationship, but I really want to keep whatever weird relationship it is that I have with him. It would probably be hard for us both to find partners who are okay with the connection we have to each other.

 

As it stands our plan is to seek professional counseling, I'm now on daily chill pills to combat anxiety and slight depression, and he's going to try to tone up and take better care of himself.

 

 

In the meantime things are really strained. This is hurting both of us terribly.

Any advice, or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.

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If he is against an open relationship then you should not push for that - it would simply be wrong and unfair. I doubt it would work anyway but you would be 'cherry-picking' the parts of the relationship that worked for you and going outside for those that don't.

 

It seems to me that you are more scared of being alone than anything else. And that is not fair to him either - he deserves to find someone who loves, wants and desires him and you obviously don't. I think you are probably mistaking love for affection and companionship.

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If you are dealing with a lot of stress is can completely kill a sex life.

Who want's to have sex when they have a million things on there mind.

 

You might want to suggest he lose some weight that could as you have said make you less physically attractive to you there for no matter how hard he and you try you will never get turned on.

 

Try seeing other people for awhile if you two are ment to be you will get back together if not then you wont

 

But if you see other people and he isn't happy don't get back with him if you aren't ready

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You can't have your cake and eat it too. Like an open relationship, that will only ruin things.

 

Sex therapist? Have you talked to him about getting back in shape? Both of you eating healthy, exercising together?

 

Why would an open relationship ruin things? I'll admit, he's not the type to go for one. I can see it turning into an awkward situation, I'd date other boys, and he'd probably stay loyal.

 

He's trying to get in shape. He started eating better and going for jogs. And no, I don't exercise with him. I hate jogging, and I'm thin, so I don't need to either.

It doesn't bother him that I don't go jogging with him because I'd just slow him down anyways.

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If he is against an open relationship then you should not push for that - it would simply be wrong and unfair. I doubt it would work anyway but you would be 'cherry-picking' the parts of the relationship that worked for you and going outside for those that don't.

 

It seems to me that you are more scared of being alone than anything else. And that is not fair to him either - he deserves to find someone who loves, wants and desires him and you obviously don't. I think you are probably mistaking love for affection and companionship.

 

I see what you mean about cherry picking. I wouldn't push him about an open relationship, I haven't ever mentioned it to him. I'm trying to find a way to keep what I have with him, and to set us both free to find partners.

 

I might be scared of being alone, but I honestly want to make things work. I want to be with him.

I've been asking myself if it's still love, and I truly believe that it is. Just not the romantic love it once was, but it's still so much more then best friends. He is part of my life, and I never want to loose him. But I do want to have a healthy sex life too.

 

 

I'd love advice on how to bring back what we had.

I'd be much happier if I got things between us fixed, then to break up or open up the relationship.

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You're only 19... 19 year olds need to be out dating different people, discovering who you are and what you really want.

 

If you've both lost the urge to be boyfriend/girlfriend sexually, then perhaps you are just better off being friends. Sometimes you discover that along the way, that you're better as friends than lovers, or that the timing is all wrong and you need to be out getting some excitement and experimenting rather than trying to act like an old married couple at 19.

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You guys are way too young to even consider an open relationship. Being open takes an incredible amount of maturity, dedication, selflessness, and security in yourself and your relationship. You really have to be comfortable with who you are and able to deal with your insecurities without resorting to unhealthy behaviors. It is difficult for people who have ironed out most of their issues, it would be neigh impossible when you are still "growing up".

 

You are at a time in your life where so much is changing, you are experiencing new things, and you both are under an enormous amount of stress due to the circumstances you described. An open relationship is NOT a band-aid for a broken relationship. An open relationship is something that people in a very stable relationship embark on. There is a saying around the polyamory community that is used as a snarky criticism "Relationship Broken - Add More People" It just doesn't work like that. It isn't fair to anyone you'd bring into the relationship.

 

Your best answer here is counseling or breaking up and staying friends. Trust me on this one.

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