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Does friends with an ex ever work?..


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My situation started back in October, Me and a girl at University got on very well, We live in the same building at University, have the same friendship groups and hang out with all the same people..we were best mates and helped each other through all sorts of situations, went out partying together and just loved being in each others company, all sounds great... then we slept together.. and this became a regular occurrence, the sex was great.. and we agreed that as it was great and we trusted each other that its fine to carry on, which we did, we kept it quiet for a while, and then after a while it got out and people started to find out.. many weren't surprised, whilst others were.

 

 

After a while, feelings started to get involved and we both told each other this..and it became more than just sex, we wouldn't get with other people, and we would spend time just loving being in each others company, we went on a few dates and it came to that point where we were practically ' together' but without the label.

 

Now here comes the complications, exactly a year ago, she went through a horrible break up where her ex cheated on her and went off with another girl travelling on the trip they were supposed to go on together, we always spoke about it, and she would say how she's not over her ex fully, and how much he hurt her.

 

Me and her were at the stage where we were practically in a relationship but without the label, and she told me that she would love to be in a relationship with me, and would it be anyone else then she would have gone into it, but she didn't want to ruin something potentially special by going in and breaking up due to her ex,and maybe things might happen in the future.. so we decided to take a step back and cool things off over the vacation at uni. Stop talking everyday, and she lives far away so that would help, oh and she was going on holiday so perfect situation right?.

 

Well that didn't happen, she told me it was too hard to not speak, so we ended up speaking all the time whilst she was away and i went up and saw her when she got back.. we spent 3 days together, it was amazing, and came to the conclusion that when back at uni, why not carry on how it is as it's so good..

 

A few days back at Uni and she says its not fair that we can't spend as much time with each other as we would like and it's affected the time we spend with our friends, so we break it off again.. but again, it goes back to sleeping together again and spending time together, when we're drunk we usually get together, it came to the point where it was completely broken off due to her not being over her ex and not ready for a relationship and we said we'd go back to being friends.. easier said than done on my part..

 

Been back at university for a month now, and this is the situation.. I have been down and depressed for a month, my exams were affected by it, my friends say they haven't seen me as much as they used to , I see her everyday as we live in the same building, my friends are her friends, so we are all in the same room together when socialising and we all eat together at breakfast lunch and dinner, and it's just hard, she's started getting with someone else now, i know i'm better than this and ask myself why i let myself get so involved, but i really like this girl.. like alot... i guess i was really falling for her...

 

I've been through a bad break up before and NC worked brilliantly, but now.. i can't do that, and for my own sake i need to be friends with her, otherwise university life will be a misery, but i guess i'm just finding it hard... as i can't get away from it all.. She is still very messed up over her ex a year on and is in no state to go into anything, so it's the right decision, it's just i'm finding it harder than i thought and i feel i'm making excuses for why i seem a little down and keeping myself to myself..

 

Any Advice would be largely appreciated, i've tried to explain as best as i can, but it's hard to fit 4 months into here....

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Yeh i've been through a bad break up before and it took me some time to get over it, so i believe her for sure, however, she has told me that she feels we will never be together, and recently i just feel that even though it's been finished with for over a month, i have still been there for her too much and around her too much, it hurts to hear that she never wants to be with me, and i just want to move on and become friends again, but its not that easy as i see her everyday, the worst thing is she knows exactly how i feel and that i'm down in the dumps and hurting as not only can she see it but we've talked about it.. i see her everyday without fail, and i just want to be able to move on but am finding it difficult, i feel i've dealt with the break up badly, by just going into a shell and being depressed and i've let her see that and it's almost as if i'm wrapped around her finger because of it and i just want to get out of this down stage and back to my normal self..

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I think MissKitty is onto something there. If you can summon the strength, you might take a little longer-term perspective. She's probably just thinking this over so when she says you'll never be together, I wouldn't put much faith in it right now.

 

NC is going to be tough in this situation since you're both at the same school. Besides, she needs to have your friendship right now. I think you can be a positive, leading influence in her life right now and she'll likely follow soon.

 

I'm betting this one will unravel in your favor. Hang in there.

 

All the best.

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It seems to me that you were rebound guy because as she told you before, she wasn’t over her ex, and she probably even was left with trust issues. She sounds like she wasn’t ready for a “relationship”, that’s why you both kept it on the down low, but this just gave her the freedom to leave when she wanted. You said she is still messed up over her ex, she was with you and now she is getting with someone else? I don’t think she knows what she wants and I am sorry you are in this position. I feel that if you do want things to get better between you too, you need to focus on you and drop out of the picture for while. She needs to sort out her emotions, for her ex and you. She already seems attached to you because she wants to talk, but she probably is confused about her feelings for you and is pursuing an interest in other guys. By giving her that time, your absense will make her think of you. This is healthier for you because it will decrease your emotional investment in the whole thing. Don’t make her feel pressured because she will run the other way, NC is best but since you have the same friends, try to spend time else where…just the fact that she might be spending time with someone else shows that you meant something to her and she is running from that. Give her space, try LC, and in the meanwhile, work on yourself. Don’t doubt yourself…this is not something you did wrong. You guys met a wrong time. You are right, you are better than this….Stay strong!

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I genuinely don't believe that she wants to be with me at all, now or ever.. she's said that, i know that u cannot garantee what happens in the future but that is how i feel, i don't feel that going after her at the moment is the right thing to do , and yeh she's getting with this new guy now, and seeing it and hearing about the situation, kind of just reminds me of the situation that I went through with her, yeh she's messed up right now, and it's difficult for me as i have to be in contact with her so often...

 

However she knows how i feel , and she knows how crushed I am about the whole situation and how hurt it has made me feel, and i don't feel that has helped me at all, its all far to obvious, she knows what i'm like and can tell that i'm down about it all.. so she asks me, and i stupidly tell her that i feel like this and that, and am just like putty in her hands, now i feel she has no feelings for me whatsoever and has just shrugged me off and onto the next guy and she's always telling me how much she just wants for us to be friends and me go back to being her best mate, but it's hard when i want one thing and she wants another.. i guess i just need to get over her and move on..

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True, get over her and move on!

by being vulnerable to her you are giving her a type of strength.

It will be hard, come here and vent...you can be friends after you are in a better emotional state rather than right now.

I hope things do get better for you...

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