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Here's the quick version of my story: I'm in college, my ex of 4 years (and best friend of 6 years before that) left me in October. We had been having a lot of fights and I have to say towards the end I had temper control issues and treated her poorly and yelled at her a lot. Anyways, she left me for one of my best friends (ugh). After 6 weeks I went NC and she came back in 3 days. I took her back too soon, she wasn't over the other guy and she left again after a very confused period. She never broke it off with me totally (always in "the future" and "definitely by this summer" and this and that) but now they're living together on campus so I decided to go NC again.

 

The problem is that the last time she tried to get back with me (she had thought she would take the semester off and stay home so she would have been away from the new guy permanently) I told her she was not ready. Then she ended up coming to school and started to ignore me a lot for a bit over a week and we had very limited contact. I didn't know she was with the new guy again but I did know they were talking when she had said they were no longer in contact so I ended up writing her an e-mail telling her I wanted to go NC. I also told her it was either me or the new guy but not the both of us in any sense, not even as friends. She tried to contact me for a few days and she wasn't happy about my decision. I said not to talk to me until at least late March (this was right when Feb. started) and she was convinced we would talk by her birthday in late April.

 

Anyways, after our last talk, which was on AIM, I ran into her on a bus and I realized I needed closure to go full NC. Later that day I called her and she didn't answer. I went to her place (the one she pretended to live in but is empty) and then the guy's place to talk to her face to face. I knew she was at his place so I rang the doorbell and stayed there for like 10 minutes. She didn't answer and later that night IMed me making up a BS story about how I had scared the guy's roommate by banging on the door (I didn't). Anyways, we spoke on the phone and she refused to give me any closure (she said a breakup wasn't what she wanted, she still wanted the same things for us in the future but needed time to take care of herself etc. etc.). I did my best to try to get her to break up with me but she didn't and I didn't really get my closure. I also tried to make it clear that for us it was dating or nothing (and that she had to pick between me and him.) It was a clear ultimatum and I'm not sure if it was the best idea.

 

So then we stop talking. Two days later my ex posts that she is in a relationship with the other guy again on fb and I get a long e-mail from her mother telling me to stop harassing her and the guy or she would get the campus police involved. I got blamed for a phone call the guy's ex made and other such nonsense and I eventually called the mother, who apologized to me about the e-mail. I proposed a 3-way call between her, my ex, and me but supposedly my ex refused because she wasn't ready or whatnot. The last convo with her mom was friendly, she said she loved me (but had to "protect" her daughter, wth) and to keep in touch and "keep her in the loop" and that my ex would eventually call me. I asked if she hated me (since she apparently thinks of me as a violent and abusive guy although she has NO reason to) and she said no. She is still on good terms with my mother and they e-mailed about some plane tickets.

 

So that was it, I've not talked to my ex for 22 days and her mother for 20 days. We see each other in class twice a week and don't even look at each other. The one exception was when I saw her walking with the guy holding hands and she looked me in the eye with a really guilty/bothered look.

 

OK, so...I am open to reconciliation and that is what I hope for but I am not *expecting* it. I am 99% sure the guy is a rebound or mayyyybe GIGS. It fits: glaring incompatibilities, moving wayyy too fast (moving in after a week!), no time between relationships (same for him and his ex of three years) etc. etc. He goes to college with us but he lives accross the country from us and is graduating next year (so am I but she is not) so you can add upcoming long-distance to the list. Besides, she already left him once and she said herself she wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship right now.

 

With this in mind, I would like to know if this NC has any chance at helping a reconciliation. I am using the time to heal and do new stuff but I feel that since we ended on such odd terms and now totally ignore each other that the outlook isn't too good. Even though she was so, so upset every time I mentioned NC at this point I don't know that she will ever call. I realize that she has been acting selfishly and in an unstable way but I still want her in my life.

 

Our last "indirect" contact was when I was looking at her fb (I have since stopped). She kept posting happy statuses everrry day and then a pic of them together. Very few people look at her facebook and I think she did it at least in part to get to me.

 

Now I know some of you will say that maybe I should have not fought with her as much. However, I worked on this the first time she left and I have fixed those problems with myself. When she came back, she even admitted that they were "gone but that now there are new ones to deal with." Let me also point out that she came back to me once already despite the fighting because she saw the changes I was making.

 

I don't want to give even more details but suffice it to say there have been many, many times between october and february where she expressed her deep feelings for me and our supposed future together. She said herself she was confused and means everything she says "at the time she says it." I can't help but feel that if she dumps this guy there is a much better chance for her to contact me (and probably attempt to reconcile) but that may not happen until graduation in May.

 

I'm not looking for people to tell me "forget it, too much baggage, move on"....so please don't bother posting that. I am rather looking for opinions on the way NC was initiated and whether or not there is anything I can do to mitigate the tension that is undoubtedly present between us right now.

 

I do realize that, in the end, I need to move on and that if anything happens it will need to be a totally new relationship. However, I want to maximize the chances of having that option.

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Imo NC is for your own closure, not to get things to turn out the way you want them to.

 

You are both in a bad spot, and NC is the only way either of you are going to heal.

 

Time will be the only healer of the tension that exists right now, because words will not do it.

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I realize that about NC, I really do. However, I also realize that we spent every day of the past 4 years together and that NC should make her see what life is without me.

 

You say time will heal this, not words. For me, I see how that applies. For her, however...if she as for some reason convinced herself she hates me (she seems to have done this), how does that apply? Will she one day realize she convinced herself that I am a lot of things that I really am not?

 

I don't know if time, by itself, can do this...

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My gf of 5yrs 3 of witch she lived with me... left me... she was unhappy because "she always wanted to do things and i didn't"

 

Since then I have been changing and working on changing... I want so baddly to tell her and change her mind and make her not think the way she does.

 

But her mind is made up, nothing I can say to her will change her mind. If anything it will simply annoy her and push her away.

 

The same applies to your situation. By not saying anything to your ex, you avoid saying the wrong things.

 

When she is ready to talk to you... if ever she will. But if you try to not to make her feel a certain way about you... you will only push her into feeling that way.

 

You can't change a person's heart by force of words, it takes time for a person to unharden their heart.

 

TBH... it sounds to me like you are the one that needs the NC not her. You still have feelings for her and you still want her back desperately, you convince yourself you want closure and reconcilation... but she won't give it to you... so you tried to force it on her... she responded by avoiding you and police action was even mentioned.

 

You really should break ALL contact and work on getting the reconciliation you need through yourself and friends.

 

Time and NC man... I wish you the best of luck, and I wish I had a better answer for you and myself... But I'm afraid there isn't one.

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Hard to say man... she may, she may not.

 

The question is why do you need her to call... she left you for a good friend... Do you really need her to call?

 

Do you really really love her? Could you spend the rest of your life with her?

 

Would you be comfortable being with her again considering her track record?

 

Do you think there is someone else better out there for you?

 

I would ask yourself all these questions very seriously, it may help you move on.

 

Work on bettering yourself, make yourself a better person, let go of her.

 

It could be weeks, months, years or never. I would go NC for at least a month. If she ever calls and you still having feelings for her... stay in control, don't immediately fall back into her arms so she can hurt you again.

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Thanks...I am asking myself these questions and I'm still thinking over things. This all seems seems so unlike her....

 

If anything I definitely know not to take her back immediately if the opportunity comes up and it's still what I want. The last time I did that was a huge failure and probably led her to believe she could come back whenever she felt like it. I have already been in NC for almost a month and we ignored each other AGAIN today so I don't see anything happening right now, especially since she's in her honeymoon period. If anything does it will probably after the guy leaves and we go home for the summer.

 

It's just that this girl was such a big part of my life for 10 years, in every way, not just as a g/f. I know I was the same to her, that's not even a question. That's why I don't want to say we may never talk again. I mean, she has never said that that was what she wanted and I don't see why it could be (except for the new guy not wanting it). As far as I know, she could simply be respecting my wishes for NC. The first time I ignored her in class she got pissed off and IMed me about it and that was after my NC letter.

 

It's just that...after 3 weeks of NC she doesn't seem to have softened up even a little bit. Even her mother apologized for that police action, it was a really empty threat. You would think she would at least look in my general direction when we're in the same room. I mean STRANGERS do that to each other!

 

I know what NC is mainly for and I know what to do on my end. This post is really just about what the deal is with her right now.

 

Even if I stay in NC for now...did I act in a bad way at any point throughout all of this? I want to at least learn from my mistakes. Should I have implemented NC differently? I should add that I told her "I will never call you again but you can call me when you are ready." I have no intention of calling her but maybe that was a bad way to put it. She may also be thinking that I am being stubborn and will eventually get over this...

 

I don't know that she wants to avoid me forever... for example, we had spring break flight tickets together to go home and she kept hers. I ended up changing mine because of vacation plans with other friends. That's why our mothers were in contact and I think it may have upset her that I did this.

 

The thing is...the first time I went into NC was sooo different....so much more friendly, open....she cried, we hugged. THIS time...I mean I've been through the boards a bit and I can't find anyone having gone into NC in such a bad way and then having to deal with seeing and ignoring/being ignored by the ex because of work or a class (unless of course it was a "I hate you, you hate me" type thing where both reject reconciliation and friendship totally). A polite "hi" or a smile would make a world of difference in the apparent animosity between us...

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This is situation is making it really hard for me to maintain NC. I keep feeling like every day that goes by she will grow more and more resentful towards me... I would really feel better with additional input.

 

Why would she resent you for leaving her alone to get on with her life? If anything, she will respect you for it.

 

"Closure" is overrated.

 

Frankly, if a woman I was dating went straight to a friend of mine, that would be finito right there, and in case I self-lobotomized and took her back, if she waffled between me and the new guy, another heaping serving of finito.

 

Let her go completely, if she ends up wanting you back, nothing you can say or do will hasten or improve the chances of that. Have to ask you, though, can you see yourself with a flake like this girl long term?

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Why would she resent me? That's a really good question that I don't have the answer to. I'm just basing what I say on her recent behavior, especially since I implemented NC, and she definitely acts like there is resentment there and it doesn't look like it is decreasing. Can you honestly say she respects me after reading about her behavior and reactions in this thread? Does she not SEEM like she resents me?

 

On the other hand, I was thinking yesterday and realized she has no reason to call me right now at all. She knows I won't be friends (all or nothing) and she knows I said to choose between me and the rebound. I know she won't leave him yet, they're probably happy right now and if she were to leave him she would have to move out again. However, come summer, he's going back home and then some other city after graduation. I will also be going back home but that will be with her.

 

She told me when she came back to me the first time that he was just temporary and that she had thought it would last longer but didn't see it going past May (graduation). After that she did start to say she had maybe "come back too soon" and that she had no closure from him because "nothing bad had really happened between them" and she left him for me out of the blue. So yes, closure may be overrated but she seems to have wanted it too, if not with me then at least with him.

 

I don't know if I believe any of it because half of what she's been saying recently has been a lie. She always told me she saw us together in the long-term, that she wants a future with me. I know it's BS because she should also want to be with me now if that's true. However, she once asked me how many chances I was willing to give us and I stupidly said "as many as it takes but if it doesn't work out between us this time I'm going to need a few months before the next time." Ugh. At least she also said she was willing to give us an unlimited number of chances.

 

As far as getting back together, that's not coming any time soon so I'm not focusing on it. All I know right now is that I don't want resentment between us. If and when she breaks up with this guy (and if I am to believe her it's not a "serious, committed, long-term relationship" because she's "not ready" for one quite yet) I don't even know that she will call if there is resentment. That's why that part if what I am worried about right now and that's why I posted here.

 

If she DOES call down the road, I will be sure to post here and discuss the more specific circumstances to see what will happen then. In the meantime, barring comments on reconciliation, please advise me/ give me your opinions on the way we started NC and the negative way we seem to be interacting (from a distance) right now.

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I only want to say that I think you need to let go. If and when she is ready, she will come find you. this stuff about telling you she will be back with you in the future, ans being with another guy, sounds terrinly unhealthy and hurtful, and I wouldn't take her word for it. she is probably scared and confused.

 

another thing is, it sounds like there are some pretty serious issues. example, you say she sees you as a violent and abusive guy, but has NO reason to. But yet, she sees you that way. there's gotta be some reason. I think sometimes men don't realize how scary they are when they yell (you mentionned fighting a lot and yelling at her...), etc., and how it can be perceived by the woman partner. the other thing is, you are adults and I really think it is very unhealthy that her mother is involved, unless she is trying to protect her daughter which she will always do. I don't think she should be involved with you both trying to sove this relatinship.

 

sometimes you can only get closure from within.

take care.

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Thanks, I do agree with what you said and I am trying to let go. The thing I CAN'T seem to let go of is this opinion she seemingly has of me now. If anything she should be feeling like crap for all her actions and lies. It's been just over 30 days of NC and nothing new has happened. Yes, like I said, I would yell a lot but it never went beyond that so I don't see why she would be scared. Like the worst thing I ever did was to throw her jacket out of my apartment door and that was really an extreme thing. Besides, when we DID get back together there was no trace of that anywhere and she acknowledged that.

 

As far as I can tell, when I went to her to get closure and showed up at the guy's place she probably thought I had found out about the cheating (I hadn't). Then she totally made herself believe I went over there for some apparently violent confrontation, which was untrue. I had called her before even going over and we spoke on the phone afterwards about my "closure", which I did not get. There was no violence, no fighting, and no mention of the guy. The thing with her mother was TWO DAYS LATER, which is why I think it's total crap.

 

I can find closure from the relationship within, but not for the friendship. Not with these lies and this misrepresentation of who I am. We were best friends for half our lives... I do want us to eventually talk so that, at the very least, we don't cut off contact on such a sad, negative, horribly unnecessary note. It doesn't help that the new guy is apparently reinforcing all her beliefs and constantly tells her how badly I treated her.

 

That's why I worry about her not calling and that's mostly why I feel down these days. I know reconciliation will only have a shot of happening, even a tiny one, if she is no longer with the guy. Now she is so I'm not thinking reconciliation very much at all.

 

Do you guys think I can do anything to ease the tension? Like I said, it's been a bit over 30 days of NC and when we run into each other we generally ignore each other. I hate being in this situation, I hate feeling falsely resented by someone who did ME so much wrong.

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Oh yeah and her mother....well it's just sad. She's not just trying to protect her daughter, although she claims that she is. Among other things she has:

 

-Told her daughter that only having sex with someone else counts as cheating

-Told her daughter about her own romantic misadventures

-Lied to me about her daughter going to visit the guy for a week in January

-Repeatedly told me her daughter and I were soulmates and she hated the guy...

-Then, told the guy not to worry about me because she had moved all her daughter's stuff out

-Approves of her daughter living with a guy she just started dating (after living with me turned out oh-so-nicely)

 

The list goes on and on and ON...but there's nothing I can do about it. The same day as the "police threat" her mother told me to "keep her in the loop" to "keep in touch" that she "loved me but had to protect her daughter" and that "she hoped she and I would remain close no matter what." When I pointed out her daughter was acting as if she hated me she said "oh no, she doesn't hate you, she'll call you when she's ready" or something along those lines. Who knows what to think, the same day she sent the new guy's parents a valentine's day gift (no, they've never met). I don't have a nice word to describe her right now and she's not helping her daughter, which is really sad.

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I know it's hard. I'm not in your shoes, but I have had my share of heart break. now I have more info. It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. It doesn't. what matters is your opinon of yourself. because you sound like a good guy, who has owned his past mistakes and she sounds like she is in denial (cheating, leading you on,...) and just "not there" emotionally and with you (to talk, seek closure,...). if you are truthful to and happy with yourself, that is all that count. you say this new guy influences her thinking. To keep her with him? Then if so, he is weak (trying to control her perceptions to keep her) and she is weak (allowing herself to be controlled).

 

to me it sounds like she is trying to make you look like the bad guy (stalking, violent, harrassing,...) because she doens NOT want to resolve things, she does not want to bring you closure, etc... she wants to be in denial, avoid her own guilt, and have fun with the new guy. though it's probably doing her no good, it's her choice and if you do continue to go knocking over there, she soon will be right to call it harassement. then if occasionally she says, in the future you both will reconcile, etc., she is stringing you along and you deserve better than this. she is controlling you. you must regain control of yourself by disengaging and breaking the attachement. for now anyway. if she comes back wanting to talk sincerelly in a year or two, great. for now it doens't sound like she is sincere and ready for anything. I think what hurts is breaking the darn attachment. forme it is the worst. the bond, the friendship, the promises, the memories of joy and the desire to connect on such a genuine level.

 

as far as i understand, nothing can break the tension from such a mess of pain and expectations and denial, etc..... eventually you will only suffer more and needlessly. I believe the best reconciliation is within your own heart and mind.

 

I really wish you peace and happiness. Move on and let her deal with her stuff in her own time. please try to be happy.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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